Archive for December, 2011

the true spirit of xmas

yesterday was inspiring – i laughed, i mopped up sick, i cried, i met old friends, made new ones, i mopped more sick and emptied some dustbins, i made lots of tea and smoked too many cigarettes and i saw the true meaning of xmas and was part of it

today i will do the same – and tomorrow – and for the rest of the week

if you are in london this xmas week come and join us
http://www.crisis.org.uk/christmasvolunteering


its only monopoly, don’t look at me stroppily

this is by the amazing helen arney

how is it possible that less than 200 people have watched this but the entire world seems to have watched ‘kitten playing with ball of string’? what is wrong with this species?


The Girl at ‘Make everything OK’

The girl at make-everything-ok.com was worn out.Everytime someone pressed that bloody button she had to get up and make everything OK for them. Sometimes it took ages; some of these people were real fuck-ups. “They could at least get in a temp to help.” she thought. And it was nearly Xmas too! You’d think people would be happier, but no. Click, click click went the world, make everything OK, and she did, make everything OK, for everybody, until she had had enough.

The girl at make-everthing-ok.com picked up her heavy office chair and smashed it, with all her might, into the ‘Make everything OK’ button. It burst into a million pieces and sparked and crackled as its wires fused. “Make that fucking OK!” she spat into the security guard’s face as she stormed from the tall glass and steel building.

Without the ‘Make everything OK’ button, the world went to pieces very quickly: within days world war three was in full swing, and starvation and disease had reached all time highs.

Everyone was very pleased to see the the girl at make-everthing-ok.com when she came back.


date 1000s of pretty chinese girls?

I always thought that 1000 is rather a lot for one date – think of the bill?

and think about poor little ‘Pretty Chinese Girl’ and how bored she must be…

‘Pretty Chinese Girl’ has had enough.

‘Tall, Dark and Handsome’ was boring, ‘Good Sense of Humour’ was a racist and ‘Likes Long Walks’ was bullshitting.

‘Likes Theatre’ was full of shit and ‘Enjoys Country Pubs and Good Food’ an alcoholic.

She thinks about calling ‘Seeking Friendship and Maybe More’ but decides she’ll go back to ‘Doesn’t Give a Shit’. At least she knows where she stands with him.


The Sky Today

The sky is clear blue today, but the cold makes it seem more grey than blue I think- then i realise its just that my windows need a damn good clean.


Ten thousand mile stiffie

the internet is a wonderful monument to human spirit – it says so much more about who we are than what it is. i think it shows that we are more mental than we are physical, that thoughts and words prevail over actions and deeds, in defining us

women get men stiff, and men get women wet, on the internet, over thousands and thousands of miles. without ever having even met, without ever having even touched each other. isn’t that wonderful? we are what we are, regardless of medium or technology. we are an ape and we are glorious for it

the universe existed for billions of years before humankind did, and it will continue to exist for trillions of years after we are gone. we are just a blip, like a faint, almost invisible, star in an otherwise black sky. doesn’t that make us even more beautiful?


If I was the devil

If I was the devil, I would be really good at it, I would know exactly how to construct the worst possible Hell for any individual. Its simple: give them what they most want, what they desire most in their hearts, their loves, their dreams, their ambitions and longings. Give them this every day… and then rip it from them … every day.

Making someone miserable all the time is not Hell, people can get used to any amount of pain. What really hurts them is to raise their hopes and then dash them. Make them as happy as they possibly can be and then steal that from them and do it over and over and over. Nothing can make them hurt more. Pain is at its most awful when it follows directly in the footsteps of happiness.

This is my biggest fear.

Unfortunately this does not work on everybody, only those that are brave enough to love to a great extent or long beyond reason for what they want can be destroyed by such a plan Рbut for those people, such a Hell would be so much worse than any eternal burning pit.

Burning? In a fire? For all eternity? How boring, the devil it seems has no imagination.

PS. Satan, if you are in need of an assistant, I am available on Tuesdays and Fridays, my rates are available on my website wwww.losingyoureallyscaresme.com and are very reasonable.