Time to confess

when i was at school i was a bit of a bully. i didn’t mean to be, i didn’t think i was, but i was. it took a really good friend to show this to me. she was called gabriela and she showed me that i bullied other kids because i was scared. she showed me how weak and pathetic bullies are and she was right.

i would shake in my boots, with fear that i might be like them, that my peers might see my weaknesses. i used admire the people that i tortured, on a daily basis, i punched them in awe of how brave they were. i could never have turned up at school if i had thought i was going to be treated like that. they did though, they never failed to show up. what balls that must have taken. on occasion i would do the decent thing and return the stolen lunch money and feel good about myself. generally though i played along with my own fear and gave into it. i was good academically  too. i was even good on the sports field. never naturally athletic but i was a demon on the soccer field. not a goal scorer but a defender. i couldn’t really play but i could stop you playing. the other teams would look at me and just pass the ball, not because i was good or talented but because they were scared of me. i feel so ashamed of myself today for the way i behaved as a youngster. i’m not talking about childhood, i was 16 and 17 when i behaved like that.

i am really lucky. i have had the chance to say sorry and to feel sorry. it still hurts though, to know that i was such a little shit as a kid. i met one of my victims a couple of years ago. he was so cool about it. he is doing really well and has a lovely wife and family. i felt so bad but he was so cool about it.

it has taken me a long time to grow up. after school i became a nasty little hooligan and did some awful things. i discovered politics and used that as an excuse to be a thug. i broke a police woman’s nose once during the poll tax riots once and spent time in jail for it.

today i am still not a pacifist but i hate violence, i understand the damage it does. i mean, fuck with me, or, worse, someone i love, and you can consider your self in deep trouble but i have learnt that violent people are cowards, that violence is a sign of mental weakness, that people who express themselves through their fists and feet are pathetic and puny examples of masculinity. that is all i have to say today.

17 responses

  1. Gillian Colbert

    Kyle – If I have a male counterpart in the world, it is you. If you’ve read my blog at all before the Bare Your Soul posts you know what I mean. I’m one of the worst people I know and I am struggling to forgive myself for the crimes I’ve committed against those who never meant to hurt me.

    We can only control our present. The past is done, there is no tomorrow, there is only today. Make each moment count. It’s all you can do.

    Much love and peace …

    12.03.16 at 02.51

    • thank you my love – your words mean more to me than you can know

      12.03.16 at 10.58

  2. I’m glad you’re this now. I like you even MORE (if that’s possible)!

    12.03.15 at 22.56

    • like this*

      12.03.15 at 23.00

    • life takes us on some funny journeys – how can you like a bully and a thug – even an ex bully and an ex thug – it makes no sense

      12.03.15 at 23.02

      • See. I don’t have any issues with anyone being anything, as long as they’re aware of it. I don’t mind pretentious assholes, if they’re ready to ADMIT to the fact that they’re pretentious assholes.

        Hence, the fact that you can admit it is awesome in itself. Even better, you saw the wrong of your ways and made the decision to change.

        You are AMAZING.

        12.03.15 at 23.15

        • being self aware is just the first step, surely . i’m self aware. i’m aware that i am selfish and i’m aware that i let my dick make all my major decisions for me. and slowly, perhaps i am beginning to get my head round what a struggle it is to be a man and… i am also starting to see what a struggle it is to be a woman too. the one thing i’m probably not is pretentious but that’ll be because i’ve never really wanted to pretend to be anything – i am an asshole tho and io excel at the position. i’ve told awful lies and been a real dick at times – i have loved every moment of my life, even the shitty bits because it is all i have, all any of us have – i need to shut up and say thank you vargas – you have made a big difference to my life – i guess that is part of the beauty of what we have here on wp eh?

          12.03.15 at 23.33

          • Self awareness is all you need to be a better person at any point in life.

            I know you’re not pretentious at all, which is why you’re so amazing. I just used them as an example because they’re one breed of people I find very hard to accept.

            Everyone lies. I’ve done some pretty shitty things as well that, even though I don’t regret any of them, something I do look back and ask myself why I didn’t take the other path.

            What did I JUST tell you about saying thank you? Lol.

            12.03.15 at 23.52

  3. Sounds like you’ve really matured. Well done for recognizing the weaknesses that held you back.

    12.03.15 at 22.37

    • thank you for seeing that

      12.03.15 at 23.34

  4. Heh! I love this in part because it is so honest and shows your personal evolution, but also because I know exactly what prompted you to write it… which for some reason tickles me. I am amused by strange things. x

    12.03.15 at 22.35

    • thanks you – i have never cried so much whilst writing something – you know where it comes from – today those words forced their way out of me my friend – if i had not wanted to say them, mu fingers would have just ignored my mind and typed them anyway
      x

      12.03.15 at 22.46

      • Aye… sometimes that’s the best stuff in the world to write – that stuff that tears at our guts and gnaws our delicate little hearts. It always hurts while it’s coming out, but it almost always feels better later on. Kudos my friend! x

        12.03.15 at 22.50

        • its why we are writers, i guess
          sometimes i just wish otherwise
          but only sometimes

          12.03.15 at 22.55

          • remember when I did that one challenge last week about something I hoped I’d never have to do? That fucked me up for the entire day. The next day though, I felt amazing! It’s good to purge things… we writers are lucky!

            12.03.15 at 23.01

            • i hear that – ta my love

              12.03.15 at 23.06

            • you have your finger on the pulse i reckon

              12.03.15 at 23.14

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