A right filthy fucker, that God!

Okay, so I’m in this hotel last night and for some reason the cable’s not working. Now, I’ve got a boner that you could hammer nails with, and I need to find something to bust my load to. I rummage around a bit to see if someone’s left a magazine or photo of their wife behind or something, and all I can find is this book called ‘The Bible’. Now, I’ve heard of it before and was kind of thinking that it wouldn’t be much cop as jerk off material, but fuck, I was wrong.

This whole book is full of the raunchiest, most depraved shit I’ve ever read. There’s incest and virgin raping and all sorts. Really, they should put a warning on the cover, what if some kid were to get hold of a copy? Doesn’t bare thinking about.

This God fella, I tell you, he’s a right filthy fucker. Clearly gay, but I don’t mind a bit of that and any port in a storm, eh? He moons this guy Moses (Exodus 33:17-23) and fondles this other guy Jacob’s balls (Genesis 32:25). And the things some of his buddies get up to, its fucking debauched, I tell you. This one bloke, right, Lot, his name is, has drunken sex, in a cave, with two of his own daughters (Genesis 19:30-36) and this other geezer, Jacob, fucks his own sisters and his handmaid in this awesome MFFF foursome (Genesis 29: 21-28).

My favourite bit though was when this guy, Judah, fucks his own daughter-in-law thinking she is a whore (Genesis 38:15-16).

Its not all depravity mind, some of it is quite educational, and has some handy tips on masturbation (Judah 38:8-10).

I tell you, this book is fucking hot and I’m gonna take a copy with me whenever I’m away from home. My only criticism would be that this God bloke clearly doesn’t like women and I don’t like all that misogynistic stuff: no place for it these days, and I skipped all the virgin raping and the bit where he cuts off this chick’s hand for touching some guy’s cock.

All in all though, The Bible has gotta be some of the best porn who’s pages I have gotten all sticky. Seriously, get a copy. Just make sure your children don’t find it.

17 responses

  1. I just love “a boner you could hammer nails with.” You always make me smile.


    12.03.24 at 20.37

    • its not as easy to do as it sounds – often it is best just to buy a hammer

      12.03.24 at 20.41

      • I suppose you’re right. Hélàs!

        12.03.24 at 20.45

        • i had a boner once that i changed a light bulb with but i guess that’s not the same

          12.03.24 at 20.47

  2. Fucking Great!

    12.03.24 at 15.10

  3. Gillian Colbert

    Amen and testify, my brother!

    12.03.24 at 00.50

  4. HAHA! Oh dear, oh dear… Don’t go outside in any electrical storms in the near future m’boy! Hehe… brilliant bit of writing though… nice work.

    12.03.23 at 18.02

    • ha! i dare him. i double dare him! he’s too much of a pussy to take me on.

      12.03.23 at 18.04

  5. I like you that much more!

    12.03.23 at 15.14

    • and your comment thrills me to the core

      12.03.23 at 15.26

  6. this is right in line with my most recent thoughts

    12.03.23 at 13.54

    • thanks man
      had to be said
      thinking of doing the koran next
      maybe not though

      12.03.23 at 14.03

  7. Lol! My grandads a preacher. I daren’t bring up your valid points with him

    12.03.23 at 13.20

    • i will surely burn in hell. lol

      12.03.23 at 13.26

      • see you there!

        12.03.23 at 13.32

        • if you’re there, it won’t be hell

          12.03.23 at 13.33

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