I wake up this morning to discover that I am single. She’s left me. In the middle of the night. For another guy.

Its a lovely little note, full of sweet comments about how much better he is in bed than I am and how fulfilled he makes her feel. I file it with all the others and then do what anyone else would do in such a situation, I change my Faecbook relationship status back to ‘single’. Next, I pop round to some friends and get myself lots of hugs, have a little rant, a little cry and a cup of tea. Then I have to get back to work.

I’m self employed, see, and my boss is a real wanker – although sometimes he’ll give me the afternoon off if I give him a hand job, (thankfully, he’s never asked me to suck his dick, I don’t think my back could take it). Once at my desk, I do what any self-respecting writer does, I go onto Farcebook, and its amazing, its like it can read my mind.

Within two hours of my declaration of singledom, Fartbook has filled my sidebar with adverts for women. The variety is astounding. I can find Christian girlfriends or date black women, I can even have a girlfriend in a uniform if I want. One says “Women over 40.” although there is no way the woman in the picture is even halfway to 40. I can date a ‘pretty Chinese girl’ or ‘1,000s of Japanese women’ and I wonder if that means you have to date them all at the same time. I’m even offered a choice of vegetarian women – why would I care what someone does or doesn’t eat?

I click on one and it takes me to a site called serioussingles.co.uk and I start to fill out my profile. There are some obvious questions, like gender and age and location. They want to know my ethnicity, which I guess is important for a lot of people, although it isn’t for me, and they want to know how much I earn, which is fair enough I guess, but I’m a writer and there isn’t a box marked ‘zero’. Next they ask me what religion I am. I scan the list for atheist or antitheist but they’re not there, and all I can click on is ‘none’, which is wrong because I believe in plenty of shit, just not any of the shit with the tick boxes on their page. Then, they start to piss me off.

The next page is about my interests, what kind of music I like, that kind of thing. I don’t get to type in genres or my favourite bands or anything, oh no. I have to pick from a list. Well, guess what? Rastabilly Skank and Bulgarian Hip-Hop weren’t even there. I get a list of bands I might like. Now sure, I like the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Primal scream, but where on that list are Bad Sin and The Tofu Love Frogs? Anyway, I click on  ‘rock’ and ‘blues’ and ‘new wave’. New wave! Really? The next screen loses me completely.

The next page of my profile is all about what ‘hairstyle’ I have, and again, I don’t get to choose. I mean, why the fuck would anyone select a partner on the basis of hairstyle? I want a woman who is beautiful, its not about how “hot” she is. I don’t care if she’s bald as long as her heart shines. I look down the list and… surprise surprise, mohawk isn’t there. This is the point where I click ‘cancel’ and would have clicked ‘fuck you’ too if they had such a button.

Tonight my friends are gonna take me out and get me laid. Gonna cheer me up. I’ll go along with it, in the belief that it will work, I just hope the poor girl doesn’t mind me crying while I fuck her.

Good night, sweetheart
It’s time to go now
au revoir,
You’ve been so wonderful,
I don’t wish to go
But this
my show.

Goodnight sweetheart – I will always love you x

26 responses

  1. eroticexploration

    Very belated *hugs* sweetheart

    12.06.13 at 15.49

    • hugs always welcomed from you sweetheart – very welcomed

      12.06.13 at 16.08

  2. TheOthers1

    Ah, I love that song, but it is soo sad. I often wonder how much of your humor is peppered with truth. Your a puzzle, Kyle Mew.

    12.05.25 at 14.23

    • i try to be – that was pretty much how it happened tho – although i don’t give myself the afternoon off for a hand job 😉

      12.05.25 at 14.33

  3. hilarious. I’m so glad I don’t waste my time on fb anymore…:)

    12.05.25 at 11.59

    • glad i made you smile chrissy

      12.05.25 at 12.01

  4. Anonymous


    12.05.25 at 04.06

  5. Bulgarian Hip Hop? Friggin really? hehe

    12.05.25 at 04.00

  6. Chin up Kyle…you’re too fucking great not to find ‘the one’ or ‘the two’ or whatever! Hope you have fun tonight!

    12.05.25 at 01.50

    • or three – thanks rhonda

      12.05.25 at 08.42

      • go for it…who says you cannot have a ‘menage a quatre’ !

        12.05.25 at 15.53

  7. Kyle..

    12.05.25 at 01.49

  8. TemptingSweets99

    you mean this post isn’t fiction? awww! so sorry. i liked what you wrote: “I don’t care if she’s bald as long as her heart shines.” you’ll get your heart’s delight in due time.

    12.05.25 at 00.24

    • that’s sweet of you thanks

      12.05.25 at 08.43

  9. gypsy116


    12.05.25 at 00.03

  10. Seems to me babes she did you a favour… Her loss is someone else’s gain 😉

    12.05.24 at 22.39

    • eventually we all win – losses just feel like that at the time – thank you for being so sweet

      12.05.24 at 22.56

  11. Don’t cry honey. I didn’t mean it. Really… I’ll be back tonight. Bringing a toothbrush and everything!

    12.05.24 at 22.16

    • i am british and have no idea what a “toothbrush” is but “everything” sounds good – hurry back

      12.05.24 at 22.24

  12. You And I Are Strange Bed-Fellows.
    We Should Do Tea Sometime And Commiserate.
    Have I Mentioned How Much I Love Your “Matter-Of-Fact” Style.
    Love It.
    And I Have “Good Night Sweetheart” on My MP3Player, btw.

    12.05.24 at 22.09

    • the chuck berry version is my favourite

      12.05.24 at 22.10

      • What About The Almost Version From “Three Men And And A Baby”
        Ahh Tom Seleck.
        (*gets instant boner*)

        12.05.24 at 22.13

  13. Gillian Colbert

    hugs, babe

    12.05.24 at 22.06

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