Poppy seeds

You know what it says on my old man’s gravestone? It a Keats quote, well, part of one, it says, “There is nothing stable in the world; uproar’s your only music.”  It was him all over.

I never met him. All I have is that quote from his grave and his writing, and I have quite a collection of that. Oh, and a half sister that I only discovered a few years ago. He wrote a lot, it was what he did, he was a writer. A lot of it was crap,  a lot of angry rantings about not being black and a semi-decent novel that only got, and only deserved, one pressing. He wrote it when he was 25 and I never put pen to paper until I was in my forties, so I guess I shouldn’t be too harsh on him for that.

He was a fantastic bullshitter. As was his father and his father before him and as am I, I come from a long line of great bullshitters. He told everyone that his old man was the editor of the Gleaner (Jamaica’s biggest newspaper). I tell everybody that too – complete crap of course.

Even though I never met him, I can feel him in me, his genes, his personality, pump through my veins. A lot of people didn’t like my dad, and I don’t blame them. He could be a real dick and was a cunt to women at times.

I try to be liked and say things and do things that will make people like me. He didn’t. He didn’t give a flying fuck what people thought about him and I so envy him. I think about the freedom that must come with that, to say what you really feel and not care what anyone says or feels.

I only visited his grave once. It needed cleaning, so I did, and I said “I guess this is as close as we’ll ever get then?” Then I sprinkled some poppy seeds, not just on his grave but all over the cemetery and left.

28 responses

  1. eroticexploration

    Hey Kyle,
    What a moving post. It is amazing how huge an influence our parents are on our lives, even if it is by their absence. I think it is great to admire qualities in others, and I also find I wish I could care less about what others think sometimes; however, I have also been getting better at appreciating what it is that I bring to the world. We can’t be everything, and the world is a better, more interesting place for our differences. You are wonderful as you are… and the poppy seeds are such a wonderful idea.

    12.06.09 at 05.45

    • hey you
      thank you for that, its really appreciated – i’m certainly grateful for what you have brought to my world

      12.06.09 at 05.56

  2. I wouldn’t wanna be someone who doesn’t care about others, in fact, i think it’s a very admirable quality. I’m glad you’re not more like him, if that’s the case.
    Balance between pleasing yourself and caring for others is most desirable.
    ‘….the humility to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.’ Old and worn now (not to mention hijacked by the Xtians!), but still very poignant.
    I love the poppy seeds. Do you know what kind of poppies? x

    12.05.31 at 15.51

    • thank you – and yeah you are right, very poignant – just ordinary red poppies – my gran had them in a big jar for sprinkling on home made bread and i used to just carry a load in my pocket and sprinkle them into peoples gardens when they looked drab – they can come up years and years later

      12.05.31 at 15.56

      • How lovely! Come put some in my garden! You’re like the Alan Titchmarch Faerie! 😉
        I ❤ poppies, so vibrant yet delicate. Used to have a massive pale pink Indian poppy that blooms in septembery-time, the heads were the size of a decent dinner plate, and they only lasted a day each, far too fragile for longer, then the next day new ones would take their place.
        And honey and poppy seed loaf! 😀 The humble poppy, not appreciated enough! x

        12.05.31 at 16.02

  3. As someone who is not a fan of my father either, I have a lot of questions…maybe a follow up post? How did he die? Why did you never met him? Did he make his living from writing? How do you know about his gravestone? Other family?

    12.05.31 at 13.28

    • he disappeared – i looked for him all my life but only found him when it was too late – yeah he was a professional writer – he died of life’s excesses when he was 44 – i found some of the other offspring he’d left scattered around, he liked to get women pregnant then fuck off

      12.05.31 at 13.31

  4. RFL

    I liked this post a lot. I’m sorry that you never met him, but I think it’s cool that you have his writing. Love the poppy seeds.

    12.05.31 at 03.24

    • thanks – having someone’s writing is kinda like meeting them in a way

      12.05.31 at 11.12

  5. I’m one of those folks that couldn’t care less what people think of me and am not afraid of speaking my mind. It’s gotten me in a lot of trouble but at least everyone knows where they stand with me.

    I love the poppy seed idea, reminds me of… me 😛 Wild and one never knows where or when I’ll pop up!

    12.05.31 at 02.20

    • good for you – wish i could be more like you

      12.05.31 at 03.02

  6. I like this very much. Not sure how I would have felt in your place. Inner strength my friend. you have it!

    12.05.31 at 02.07

  7. Your dad sounds like a really interesting person.

    12.05.31 at 01.22

    • he was – i wish i’d met him

      12.05.31 at 02.00

  8. Kyle you never cease to amaze me.

    12.05.31 at 00.48

    • that’s so nice – i will keep on trying forever

      12.05.31 at 02.00

  9. TheOthers1

    I enjoy you, Kyle. You write things with such depth that it amazes me, then something sizzling that makes me come undone. Impressive really. Enjoyable. 🙂

    12.05.31 at 00.36

    • thank you so much angel

      12.05.31 at 01.59

  10. Really like the Keats quote, kinda says it all. Enjoyed reading this.

    12.05.30 at 23.56

  11. I admire his not caring about what people thought of him… In my opinion, it’s one of the best ways to truly live…unfortunately for me, I care too much bout what people have to say. Great post!!! Why poppy seeds though if I may ask?

    12.05.30 at 23.27

    • thank you – they are wild and you never know when they will grow

      12.05.31 at 01.58

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