Archive for May, 2012

The massage

We have become good friends since you moved in next door. You come round after long days at work and I massage your feet and we watch crap on the TV. You find my foot rubs a real turn on, and are developing quite a crush on me. You don’t realise that I am getting one on you too.

You tell me your back hurts and I offer to give it a rub. You smile shyly in agreement, and I sit back on the couch and beckon you to sit between my legs. You take off your top and I unfasten your bra and slip the straps off your shoulders. I pour lotion onto my hands and work it gently and slowly into your back and shoulders.

You relax and melt slightly under my touch and I tell you that you are beautiful and you giggle and tell me to stop it, that you used to be when you were young, and I say that I’ve seen pictures and think you are far more beautiful now, that you have a real woman’s body with shapes and curves and that your body has character, not like these young girls who all look like they’ve been pressed from exactly the same plastic mould, that you are gorgeous.

I slide my fingers up your neck and caress the base of your skull and you tell me that it turns you on and I say that its doing the same for me. You don’t believe me and just think I’m being nice, so I pull you back so you are resting against me. I am only wearing a long t-shirt and you shiver with excitement as you feel my erection pressing into your back.

I kiss the back of your neck and the sweet rose tattoo on your shoulder and dribble the thick white lotion over your belly, and you purr with pleasure as slowly rub it in to your soft flesh. Then I slip my thumb under your bra and gently remove it completely, your breath deepening as I pour lotion over your breasts and work it in with the tips of my fingers, teasing your erect nipples smothering your breast with wet, gentle strokes, drinking in your sighs of pleasure.

I pop open the button on your skirt and unzip it, and tell you to stand for a moment. Your skirt falls to the floor and I place a line of little kisses down your spine and run my hands up and and over your thighs and slowly remove your silken panties. As you sit back down, you see my t-shirt on the floor and realise that I too am naked, and you press yourself back into me thrilling at the feel and heat of my cock against your skin.

I run my hands and more lotion all over your body, teasing you by stopping each time I get close to your glowing pussy, your body rocking slightly with anticipation of what is to come. My hands roll up the insides of your thighs and stop again only a hair’s breadth from your dark inferno. You want to grab one of my hands and pull it onto you but you restrain yourself and wait.

You gasp when I finally run a finger down over your clit and lips and wet it inside you, and you moan as I moisten and stroke your clit, causing you to thrust your hips, gasp and grip the couch tightly. You get hotter and faster, your breathing deepens, you murmur and  writhe feeling my pleasure rising with yours as my fingers flick and rub your , bringing you slowly to the boil, kissing your neck as your orgasm rises up through you setting you ablaze with great shudders and screams.

Afterwards, you slide off me and sit next to me and we kiss and hold each other, you still shaking, like an autumn tree in a light breeze. You smile at my twitching member as it bounces on my belly, throbbing with desire for you. Part of you wants to grab it and make me come and part of you just wants to savour how much I want you.


contributed by a mystery, guest blogger – thank you

a thought for you to go to sleep with….you,

naked, in bed, take yourself in your hands, gently,
think of me, smile, and if you must…then do…
with my blessings. for me though, not for you….

say my name as you splatter your dreams…i will hear you


It was
the bullet holes
in his
chest and face.
that gave
the game away.
“Someone didn’t
like this cunt.”
you said
and we
all agreed.

We call
the cops,
what else
to do?
but Peter
is a cunt,
he takes
a photo
of the corpse
with his
new Samsung.

He is a dick,
we all agree,
bounce him
some walls.



Mountain top

High on a cold, stark, mountain top, lies a snow beaten research centre. It is so remote, that it can only be reached by helicopter. Inside instruments whirr and click, dials spin and needles dance. Its only two inhabitants, a professor and a research assistant grab hold of each other and kiss deeply and powerfully. They have both wanted this for a very long time and their long suppressed passions rise up in them. They tear at each others clothes madly almost devouring each other with their wet, hungry mouths.

Behind them, needles scratch zig-zag patterns across scrolling graph paper and around cylinders, but right now their work does not matter to them, they are consumed with each other.

Deep beneath them, miles below ground, a magma flow courses through the earth.

He lifts her onto a bench and, jerking her skirt upwards, he pushes against her, feeling the heat between her legs with his hardness, ripping open her top and kissing her neck greedily, as though he had only moments to live. With the desire of a starving tiger, she tugs at his belt and trousers until she has him freed. He shoves her further back and she pushes instruments and beakers, and piles of documents, roughly out of the way. Paper flutters around them and glass shatters on the floor, chemicals hiss and steam. She raises her hips to help him, as he lifts her skirt and pulls down her already sodden panties.

Behind them needles twitch in their dials, climbing jerkily upwards towards red, screens flashing with urgent data.

Below them the volcano is becoming aroused. Little jets of steam gasp and sigh from its surface. and boiling lava gushes through its veins.

A pen on a graph starts drawing faster, more frantic zigs and zags.

He pushes her over onto her back, sending more paper flying and a computer monitor crashing to floor as he bends forward and kisses her glistening pussy. “Oh yes!” she she half moans, half whispers; it has been so long since a man had done that to her. He continues; little kisses at first and tiny little tickles with the tip of his tongue but he is so crazy for her, and so wants to pleasure her that he is soon flicking hard and fast at her clit, responding to her every gasp and sigh, his engorged cock brushing against the cold hard steel of the bench, sending shivers up and down its length. He revels in her, filling his mouth with her erotic tastes and his nostrils with her inflaming smells. ‘Now!’ she shudders, “Fuck me now! Before I come! Fuck me!”

Sulphur spits from the volcano’s sweating flank and huge clouds burst in gasps from its gaping mouth. the ground trembles and a flock of birds take to the air.

Climbing onto the bench, he kisses her belly and breasts as he rises up her, until they are face to face, eye to eye, and his shaft hovering over her pussy, tickling it. She tastes herself as they kiss and she guides him into her. He fucks her fiercely and deeply, pulling back each time until he is almost out of her before plunging back into her with a strength that shakes her whole body, filling her, taking her breath away and drawing light screams of joy from her. The bench rocks under their frenzy and she digs her fingers deep into his buttocks pulling him as deep into her as she can.

The Magma rises faster now, deep below them, flowing thickly through the body of the mountain. Until it can take no more. Until it must find its release.

He rears up as he comes and bursts into her and she clings to him, their bodies in unison with his eruption, their orgasms shooting through every muscle in their bodies, their bodies pulsating in time with each other’s.

The molten lava rises and bursts from the volcano, shooting high into the air, a thick gushing hot liquid. It splatters the landscape around, in steaming great pools and it flows in great rivulets down the mountain’s sides. Over and over the volcano erupts in hot sticky squirts, covering everything before it, seemingly never ending.

After a long while, the professor gets up off the bench and looks around her, something is not quite right. She looks at a screen. “Fuck!”, she screams. her assistant looks at her,
“What?”, he asks. She looks back at the screen and his eyes follow hers “Oh holy fuck!” he murmurs. They both turn round, to the window and are just in time to see the pyrocastic flow before it engulfs them and turns them into dust.

I am

i am deeply superficial
i get low when i am high
i am a devout atheist
and i giggle when i cry

i am a cowardly warrior
i feel caged in when i fly
i am a gentle hooligan
and i will live after i die

i am pretty ugly
i am honestly quite sly
i’m obesely  skinny
and i wish that i knew why

The sun has got his hat on?

The sun has got his hat on.
Now that’s a fucking stupid idea,
What would the sun need a hat for?
To avoid sunstroke?
Or in case it rained?

Who let the cat out of the bag?
Well who bloody put it there?
You shouldn’t put cats in bags
In the first place,
That’s just not nice.

nifty noets society


“the main things which seem to me important on their own account, and not merely as means to other things, are knowledge, art, instinctive happiness, and relations of friendship or affection”
~ bertrand russell

“the effort to understand the universe is one of the very few things that lifts human life above the level of farce, and gives it some of the grace of tragedy”
~ steven weinberg

~ anon

“be free my friends. one for all and all for me, and me for you, and three for five, and six for a quarter”
~ groucho marx

“all human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why”
~ james thurber

“do not go gentle into that goodnight. rage, rage against the dying of the light”
~ dylan wassisname

“it is only the great men who are truly obscene. if they had not dared to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great”
~ henry ellis

~ anon

“eat, fuck kill, its all the same, right?”
~ pfc trombley

“it is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers”
~ james thurber

“come the fuck in or fuck the fuck off ”
~ malcolm tucker

“god loves you, except when you’re a cunt”
~ tourettes hero

“i said a glass of juice, not gas the jews”
~ adolf hitler

“never trust a fucking hippie”
~ johnny rotten


i rediscovered
my guitar tonight
i realised
what its for

its not that i’m any
good at it
but i play
til my fingers are raw

its ’cause
it lets me express myself
and sing and
dance and roar

Hang on

i don’t just want
someone to sleep with,
i want
someone to wake to.

i don’t just want
to eat you out,
i want
to eat out with you.

i don’t just want
you to suck my dick,
oh, hang on,
yes i do.

Tomato fucking bollocks

We go to Costa Brava every year, know what I mean? Me ‘n’ Micky ‘n’ the girls and the kids. Fuckin’ love it, we do. The food is fuckin’ out of this world. ‘cept for this one place we tried once, the Montón de Mierda or some shit. Anyway, it was a fuckin’ disgrace, I mean you couldn’t call that pile of shit a fuckin’ restaurant. Any’ow Mickey decides its time to complain.  “Whatchya mean there ain’t no fuckin’ chips?” ‘e says to the waiter,  “I come ‘ere on a fuckin’ plane ya cunt!” ‘e goes, “I got fuckin’ kids ‘ere! What am I supposed to do with this tomato fucking bollocks?”

So, Mickey gets up like, an’ I grab ‘is beer, so’s not to spill none, in case it kicks off, and ‘e takes this pan of tomato shit and shoves it in this cunt’s face. Its like somethin’ out of  Laurel and fuckin’ ‘ardy, except its scaldin’ ‘ot and this cunt is rollin’ round on the floor, clutchin’ at ‘is face an’ screamin’ like ‘e’d just shat a ton of fucking pineapples. Its hilarious, and me and the kids are pissin’ ourselves. The girls don’t even notice, they’re doin’ some shit on their iPhones, know what I mean?

Any’ow, we decide we’ve ‘ad enough of this shit and decide to go to our favourite caff, the El Inglés Son Gilipollas, they fuckin’ love us there, an’ get some proper grub. On the way out I pay the bill, an’ leave a tip. I mean, we ain’t rude, and we don’t wanna give us English a bad name or nuffin’. Know what I mean?

More in this series.