Make friends with your demons

I don’t do the blogger award thing as a rule, I worry about the exponential growth inherent in such systems. Do the math; if every blogger given an award nominates seven other bloggers, and they each nominate seven more and so on, then within two weeks, every WordPress blogger on the planet will have received that award (there are over 72 million WordPress blogs). Within a month, we will have all been nominated over a 100 times.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love being nominated, I love having my ego stroked, (although I prefer to have it sucked,) and I get so flattered that I have to jack off every time I get a nomination, and that’s the problem, too many awards and my ego would just collapse under the weight of all that love and I would most likely be discovered dead by my cleaning lady, having drowned in my own semen. Not a pleasant clean up job for anybody, as I’m sure you can imagine.

However, today I am making an exception and not because I think I am worthy of the award but because of who has nominated me: the wonderful Gypsy, author of the outstanding Through my eyes: Adventures in Borderline land. Her blog truly is outstanding, unlike my trivial and masturbatory attempts at entertaining you, her blog is a powerful, poignant, heartfelt and heart-warming journal of her struggles and victories over Borderline Personality Disorder.

Gypsy nominated me for the “Outstanding Blogger Award”, the rules are as follows:

  • Thank the nominee.
  • Share something important about yourself.
  • Nominate other bloggers.

Thank you Gypsy: your blog is just awesome. It is straightforward and honest and bursting with emotion and you have helped far more people than you realise by documenting your life so bravely. Thank you.

Thank you also for encouraging me to write this next bit. Its about something I’ve never written about before (well not publicly) and if it weren’t for you, I may never have.

Something important: I was an addict. For years, I threw a large chunk of my adult life down a big dark hole. I have never written about it before because I still carry a lot of shame for having wasted so much of a life who’s every second should be savoured and not squandered.

Addiction nearly killed me, it turned me into a liar and a thief and a cheat and a rascal. I lied and stole mostly to and from the people that loved me the most, well, who tried to love me anyway, its not easy to love someone when they hate themselves. In the end I drove everyone away with my snivelling self-pity and misdirected anger.

Every day I would wake and promise myself, ‘no more’ and every day, before noon, I would have failed. The failure sapped me dry Every day, month after month, year after year, failure after failure. I lost all faith in myself. My soul nearly disappeared, I nearly extinguished my own humanity. In the end there was just this tiny, flickering spark of it left, cowering deep inside me.

One day, I decided to face my demons head on. It was that or die. seriously. I tossed a coin: heads, I go seek help (again), tails, I end it all. You can guess how it landed, and I re-entered that mill of detox and rehab and therapy and those fucking rooms. Somehow it clicked, and is still clicking five years down the road. Maybe it was because I had driven everyone away and had to do it on my own. Maybe it was because I knew the alternative was to die, but actually I think it was because I discovered the true nature of my demons. They were not the fearsome devils of my nightmares. They were not powerful angry, ugly monsters. They were me, me when I was young, and hurt and sad, the neglected me and the scared me. They were little me and they hurt. They didn’t need battling, they needed  loving and accepting.

I didn’t really change, and I’m still a complete shit-bag – just ask any woman I’ve ever dated – I just learned to accept me and enjoy being me, love me even. Life hasn’t really changed that much either, there is still as much sadness and pain as there ever was, but there is laughter and love too.

Nominate other bloggers: I’m not going to nominate anyone else for this award, and its not because I don’t want to, its just that I don’t know who to nominate, because I never actually bother to read any of the shit you all write.

Thanks again to Gypsy for the honour. Everyone please visit, like, comment and follow her wonderful blog, or I will have you brutally killed and your corpse fed to your pets in front of your children.

65 responses

  1. Cheers to many more years of mental and physical freedom…and cheers to your honesty. And guess what? By virtue of that alone, I’d say you’re anything but a shit-bag 🙂

    12.08.07 at 09.17

    • cheers – i’m working on it 😆

      12.08.07 at 09.20

  2. LOL… I love your honesty, Kyle. And I appreciate your sick sense of humor. And you are right, accepting a nomination properly in here just eats up the time you would have had otherwise for other things… one of many would be – writing an actual interesting post… But hey, I enjoy being nominated once in a very long, very long while;)

    12.07.01 at 12.18

  3. Five years in Recovery is a milestone to acknowledge. Thank you for sharing this piece of yourself.

    12.06.20 at 16.06

    • thank you for acknowledging it

      12.06.20 at 16.08

  4. Congratulations Kyle.I can see why u like this Award,it speaks for itself . Keep blogging.

    12.06.20 at 08.58

    • thank you audrina – i hate awards but i will always keep blogging, even if it is only for you

      12.06.20 at 09.17

  5. well done Kyle. See what you mean about awards – however there are women who’d probably like to find you drowned in a pile of semen (so I read).

    12.06.19 at 22.59

    • haha – its been close a couple of times

      12.06.20 at 05.04

  6. This is truly moving. And makes me realize how very blessed/lucky/fortunate I am. Thank you.

    12.06.18 at 00.45

    • thank you, i’m so glad M x

      12.06.18 at 05.57

  7. You should be proud of how far you have come and what you have accomplished. I really loved your honest portrayal. It amazes me how you have figured it all out! I think that even if a person hasn’t been down your particular path, everyone can relate on some level to feeling hurt when younger.
    Excellent post.
    By the way you are still a big liar since you had to read Grypsy’s post. HA!
    Don’t worry. I won’t think any less of you…. 🙂

    12.06.17 at 21.31

    • thank you susie and thanks for exposing my shameless lies 😉

      12.06.18 at 05.56

  8. Pingback: 30 Day Challenge: Day 13/Thank You | Through my eyes: Adventures in Borderline land

  9. Brlliant, really enjoyed reading your blog, your satirical humour amuses me greatly, and your honesty. Takes alot to be that honest with people. Alas I’m not wet just yet, but a read of your other posts I’m sure I sure will be… sextails.

    12.06.17 at 07.58

    • well i hope not, that was never intended to make you feel like that but please read back thru my nonsense and feel free to leave a link to any of your pieces anywhere you like

      12.06.17 at 10.13

  10. PAZ

    Kyle, thank you for sharing this. It nearly made me cry, but alas, you failed at getting me wet this one time. hehe.

    Seriously though, this is beautifully written and the raw emotion makes it a wonderful read. My Monkey Man L was an addict–a full-blown addict, unlike my half-assed abuser self. He died three months ago in March. I’m glad you’re still with “the living”. Blogging has helped me accept my pretty little demons. As you know, I’ve been struggling with them and again, thank you for sharing this. It takes a lot of courage.

    hugs xo

    12.06.16 at 17.16

    • as long as i have you dribbling from one end or the other, my job is done – i’m so sorry for your loss that words fail me – blogging can help, can’t it? keep battling my love

      12.06.16 at 17.54

      • PAZ

        *smiles*

        Blogging has helped some. It’s the only place where I’ve let it all bleed out.

        12.06.16 at 19.08

        • letting it out s’gotta help

          12.06.16 at 19.40

      • PAZ

        Well, not ALL of course. 😉

        12.06.16 at 19.08

        • yet…

          12.06.16 at 19.40

          • PAZ

            Oh no, somethings must remain within.

            12.06.16 at 19.41

      • PAZ

        The bit about you drowning in semen is pretty funny. Damn! I need to get my funny juices back!

        12.06.16 at 19.36

        • i certainly conjures up a ridiculous image 🙂
          good luck with your funny juices

          12.06.16 at 19.39

  11. RFL

    Most powerful blog award post I’ve seen.

    12.06.16 at 16.50

  12. biologically speaking, we are all shit-bags, simple shit making machines we just have each our own way of doing it…blatant, this piece (and your readers responses) exemplifies what i find so intriguing about your blog. your tongue in cheek (and so many other places) way. your self-effacing ego. your ability to make people (me?) want to hug-slap-kiss-hug-slap-kiss you…which of course, exemplifies why i have never been an addict of substances, only to addicts. so glad you shared this real story, your honesty is appreciated, and helps me understand the flip side of my experiences just a bit more…gracious (slap!). kiss.

    12.06.16 at 15.20

    • hey, i’m glad it helped.
      you won’t believe this but hug-slap-kiss-hug-slap-kiss is my all time favourite sexual activity

      12.06.16 at 15.29

      • do you think i should i feign surprise? 😉

        12.06.16 at 15.52

        • hug-slap-kiss-feigned surprise-hug-slap-kiss-feigned surprise gets me even hotter 😉

          12.06.16 at 15.54

          • fingertip-to-lips, eyes wide, she gasps!

            12.06.16 at 15.58

  13. Thank you for being so candid Kyle. Thank you. I too am an addict. In recovery for over a year. It’s hard to admit that we hate ourselves. That we don’t want to live. That we don’t feel adequate. That we can’t deal with the pain anymore. I’m glad the coin toss went the right way. That you got help. That you healed. I don’t believe what you say about how you are with women. Maybe they were the ones that sucked. Not you. I’m glad you’re here Kyle. I’m glad I am too. Much love my sweet.

    12.06.16 at 14.24

    • and much love back renee and thank you, i’m glad we are both here

      12.06.16 at 14.26

  14. Gillian Colbert

    Glad that coin toss went the way it did!

    12.06.16 at 14.16

    • me too… now
      thank you my love ♥

      12.06.16 at 14.17

  15. gypsy116

    reblogged and commented, No words, just love this man 🙂

    12.06.16 at 14.01

  16. gypsy116

    Reblogged this on Through my eyes: Adventures in Borderline land and commented:
    No words, just love this man 🙂

    12.06.16 at 14.01

  17. gypsy116

    Wow, now Im even more lost for words than yesterday. That made me cry, and smile. Like Im so happy right now, Im just a giant smile. Proud of you for sharing 🙂

    12.06.16 at 14.00

    • thank you gypsy for encouraging me to do it

      12.06.16 at 14.03

      • gypsy116

        Welcome 🙂

        12.06.16 at 14.11

  18. Thanks for sharing about this Kyle — oh I know to well this — that’s all I’ll say. Congratulations on your award. I had to re-follow you — I’d been knocked off maybe when you changed your graphics? But I’m back — yay!! 🙂 I don’t want to miss a thing…

    12.06.16 at 13.46

    • thanks you – i’m sorry i lost you and am glad you are back – yay indeed!! ♥

      12.06.16 at 13.49

  19. I really like your acceptance of the award -truly do. I LOVE the way you bare your soul
    and then you flip me off! It’s endearing and I kiss you if you were near. Love, Jayne

    12.06.16 at 13.23

    • i never meant to flip you off my love, but if its going to get me a kiss, then i’m glad i did ♥

      12.06.16 at 13.43

      • I lam referring to the part when you said cuz I never read any of the shit you guys write – I’m a sarcastic and antagonistic one also… especially at the tender moments. I’m just too sensitive sometimes

        12.06.16 at 13.55

        • good, i like a woman with an edge
          now… where’s that kiss?

          12.06.16 at 14.02

          • I’ve got you in my hands – moving in, brushing my bottom lip on yours as I slide slowly to the right as my mouth opens a little more as my tongue lightly greets yours and then has my way with it. kiss kiss Kyle

            12.06.16 at 14.07

            • and now you have steamed up my glasses

              12.06.16 at 14.14

  20. If I haven’t told you…you are beautiful…and that’s for sure!!!

    12.06.16 at 11.59

    • you too isabella, you too ♥

      12.06.16 at 13.02

  21. leaking for the shit-bag who was
    celebrating the shit-bag you are
    wondering what shit-bag you’ll be down the road
    hoping you’ll find your shit-baguette who’ll put up with all of you
    and hoping more you’ll recognize her when you do

    12.06.16 at 10.34

    • thanks rhonda – never has being called a shit-bag felt so good

      12.06.16 at 10.37

      • hey, as terms of endearment go…i’ve heard worse. and i’m sure you have to!

        12.06.16 at 10.40

  22. Wow Kyle, this is very honest…thanks for sharing.

    12.06.16 at 10.15

    • you’re more than welcome 🙂

      12.06.16 at 10.36

  23. This was beautiful and heartbreaking all at the same time. I am a recovered drug abuser, never staying with anything long enough to become addicted, but part of my husband’s midlife crisis is that he has relapsed from getting clean 20 years ago. And he is a full on addict.
    I don’t share that to embarrass him, only to say that you have no idea how much hope you just gave me with those words. I’m kind of feeling overwhelmed with all the things you said you did when you were high, because that is what I am dealing with now from someone who never lied to me about anything, and it is just so painful to deal with. I don’t know if the drugs or I will win in the end…

    Thank you, Kyle. I do love you, and I’m so happy you came out of your dark places… 🙂

    12.06.16 at 09.25

    • i really feel for your pain my love – i can only imagine what people who love a practising addict must go through – i’d say surround yourself with people that love you, but i suspect you already know that – if i believed i’d pray for ya ♥

      12.06.16 at 09.32

      • 🙂 Thanks, Kyle.

        12.06.16 at 09.33

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