A total dick

I am honoured and delighted to have nominated myself for ‘The Total Dick Award’

The rules are simple:

  • Thank the nominee and tell them why you think they deserve The Total Dick Award.
  • Share ten things about yourself that demonstrate what a Total Dick you are.
  • Nominate other Total Dicks.

Thank you Kyle:

You deserve this award as much as I do, and I could never have done it without you. It is your ridiculously over-inflated ego, that has, so justifiably, earned you this award. The way that, when you make love to a beautiful woman, you close your eyes and imagine you are masturbating, the way you award yourself awards, it all adds up to make you the perfect recipient of The Total Dick Award. Congratulations!

Ten things:

  • I get a semi every time I get a new follower. Once I got four new followers in five minutes and almost came.
  • I once had sext with two women at once, without either of them knowing about the other. I’d given them both the same nicknames so I could cut and paste a lot of what I wrote. We all came at the same time and it was pretty cool, but its not something I guess I should be proud of.
  • When I was in the army, I went out with this barmaid called Pamela. She had one leg longer than the other (although it might have been that one leg was shorter, I can’t remember). It didn’t bother me one bit, but all my mates laughed and took the piss and I finished with her because I was too weak to take the peer pressure – I feel bad about that, to this day.
  • I was an internet sex slave. For two weeks. To this incredible woman from Florida or Virginia or one of those states. She had me write her sado-masochistic tales like this one and this one and one about castration that was too frightful to ever publish. She also had me take photo’s of me doing painful and humiliating  things to myself. It was all a lot of fun but two weeks in I got bored, met someone nice and decided to end it.
  • I’m not actually ashamed of that last one. I am, however, ashamed that I am not ashamed of it.
  • I once wrote some erotica for a fellow blogger to post on her blog as her own, and she repaid me by sending me some really naughty pictures of herself. Not ashamed of that one either, if I’m honest.
  • I once sucked someone’s cock for a gram of coke.
  • I volunteer at a homeless shelter for one week a year. People say that its because I’m a nice guy but that’s bullshit. The fact is that there are three times as many female volunteers as there are male volunteers. I might enjoy volunteering and I might think it worthwhile, but I do it primarily to meet pussy.
  • I once accepted money to pretend to be someone’s boyfriend.
  • When I was about 17, I let this girl bully me. I didn’t have to, but she was hot and being beaten up by her turned me on.
  • I am a terrible liar, and two of these things are not true.

Nominations:

I’m not going to nominate anyone for this award, I don’t think any of you deserve it. If anyone wants to nominate themselves though, I’d love to see that…

42 responses

  1. I believe two things;
    1) you did suck a dick for coke
    2) you did accept money to be someone’s boyfriend
    the rest is speculation on anyone’s part
    Congrats on your award, but I never saw it as an insult I would totally nominate myself for it, if I weren’t so damn lazy right about now.
    Any idea how you can cheer me up Kyle? 😉

    13.01.08 at 23.11

    • you could be right – er, try reading lots of wp blogs under humour, it always does the trick for me 🙂

      13.01.09 at 07.00

      • I was hoping for a quick fix, but thanks for the advice. Hope I get to read more stories like this one, you always crack me up 🙂

        13.01.09 at 21.22

        • thanks luc 🙂

          13.01.10 at 03.34

  2. Well, I’m not a total dick. Considering what I have in my pants and where my brain is located I’m probably 87% dick. Is there an award for that?

    12.10.23 at 12.59

    • there should be daan

      12.10.23 at 18.15

  3. But Kyle, I’m still not convinced you’re a dick…

    12.06.28 at 03.18

    • i guess i will have to try harder then. lol

      12.06.28 at 05.14

  4. I think the first and the last are lies.

    12.06.25 at 23.04

    • and you are dead right

      12.06.26 at 04.43

      • I know.

        12.06.26 at 09.32

        • by the last, do you mean that you think only two of them are lies?

          12.06.26 at 09.36

          • You are a terrible liar right? it could all be lies… But I do believe you sucked cock for coke 🙂

            12.06.26 at 09.43

            • and you’re right – i don’t get a semi when i get a new follower and i don’t do voluntary work to meet women – the rest, i am afraid, are more or less true 😉

              12.06.26 at 11.21

              • …more or less 😉

                12.06.26 at 11.33

                • i’m a writer my love, and sometimes its worth adding a little extra spice, just to make the work a little more readable.

                  12.06.26 at 11.38

  5. TemptingSweets99

    Thanks for letting me know. I wouldn’t have rested until I found out. 🙂

    12.06.24 at 18.57

  6. TemptingSweets99

    Lies:
    1- “I’m not actually ashamed of that last one. I am, however, ashamed that I am not ashamed of it.”

    2- “I volunteer at a homeless shelter for one week a year. People say that its because I’m a nice guy but that’s bullshit. The fact is that there are three times as many female volunteers as there are male volunteers. I might enjoy volunteering and I might think it worthwhile, but I do it primarily to meet pussy.”

    *I have two other guesses.

    12.06.24 at 17.46

    • you’re right with number 2, i don’t volunteer to meet women – good guess

      12.06.24 at 18.37

      • TemptingSweets99

        How about:

        “When I was about 17, I let this girl bully me. I didn’t have to, but she was hot and being beaten up by her turned me on.”

        or

        “I once wrote some erotica for a fellow blogger to post on her blog as her own, and she repaid me by sending me some really naughty pictures of herself. Not ashamed of that one either, if I’m honest.”

        If these are incorrect, please give me a hint. 🙂

        12.06.24 at 18.44

        • sorry, both those are sadly true haha

          12.06.24 at 18.49

          • TemptingSweets99

            LOL! Where is my clue? Okay. How about:
            “When I was in the army, I went out with this barmaid called Pamela. She had one leg longer than the other (although it might have been that one leg was shorter, I can’t remember). It didn’t bother me one bit, but all my mates laughed and took the piss and I finished with her because I was too weak to take the peer pressure – I feel bad about that, to this day.”

            12.06.24 at 18.51

            • i’m afraid that’s true too and i still feel awful about it – its the first one, i don’t really get a semi every time i get a new reader, i get a full blown erection 😉

              12.06.24 at 18.53

              • TemptingSweets99

                Ahh! full blown/semi. 🙂

                12.06.24 at 18.55

                • thanks for being so interested my love – i now feel fully exposed 😆

                  12.06.24 at 18.56

                  • TemptingSweets99

                    LOL! Expose some more. There’s still some more room to expose. Heh heh heh!

                    12.06.24 at 18.58

                    • seeing as you enjoy that so much, i’ll see what else i can dig up heh heh heh

                      12.06.24 at 19.00

                    • TemptingSweets99

                      LOL! Thanks! 😀

                      12.06.24 at 19.01

  7. Brilliant and funny! Who knew 😉

    12.06.24 at 14.34

    • thanks – everyone now 😉

      12.06.24 at 15.57

  8. TemptingSweets99

    still trying to figure out which one is untrue. hmm…

    12.06.24 at 12.55

    • two of them are not true – take a guess, and i’ll tell you which ones

      12.06.24 at 13.26

  9. Ahahahahaa! ‘She had one leg longer than the other (although it might have been that one leg was shorter, I can’t remember)…’ Ahahahaha!

    12.06.24 at 10.24

    • glad i made you laugh sandee

      12.06.24 at 10.27

  10. David Eric Cummins

    LOL! Brilliant. I had to stifle my laughing as I read this so I wouldn’t wake up my son!

    12.06.24 at 08.39

    • glad i raised a smile david, thank you

      12.06.24 at 08.43

  11. I could nominate a few total dicks for this award. If I was a man I would nominate myself too.

    12.06.24 at 08.31

    • haha – we’ll have to come up with an equivalent award

      12.06.24 at 08.32

  12. After this morning, I’m thinking my hubby would nominate me for this award. I won’t accept it though. He’s the dick, not me. lol….

    12.06.24 at 06.33

    • you’re a star my love, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise 🙂

      12.06.24 at 07.07

      • 🙂 I think you’re a star, too, Love Bug!

        12.06.24 at 07.09

ask me anything

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s