A total dick

I am honoured and delighted to have nominated myself for ‘The Total Dick Award’

The rules are simple:

• Thank the nominee and tell them why you think they deserve The Total Dick Award.
• Share ten things about yourself that demonstrate what a Total Dick you are.
• Nominate other Total Dicks.

Thank you Kyle:

You deserve this award as much as I do, and I could never have done it without you. It is your ridiculously over-inflated ego, that has, so justifiably, earned you this award. The way that, when you make love to a beautiful woman, you close your eyes and imagine you are masturbating, the way you award yourself awards, it all adds up to make you the perfect recipient of The Total Dick Award. Congratulations!

Ten things:

• I get a semi every time I get a new follower. Once I got four new followers in five minutes and almost came.
• I once had sext with two women at once, without either of them knowing about the other. I’d given them both the same nicknames so I could cut and paste a lot of what I wrote. We all came at the same time and it was pretty cool, but its not something I guess I should be proud of.
• When I was in the army, I went out with this barmaid called Pamela. She had one leg longer than the other (although it might have been that one leg was shorter, I can’t remember). It didn’t bother me one bit, but all my mates laughed and took the piss and I finished with her because I was too weak to take the peer pressure – I feel bad about that, to this day.
• I was an internet sex slave. For two weeks. To this incredible woman from Florida or Virginia or one of those states. She had me write her sado-masochistic tales like this one and this one and one about castration that was too frightful to ever publish. She also had me take photo’s of me doing painful and humiliating  things to myself. It was all a lot of fun but two weeks in I got bored, met someone nice and decided to end it.
• I’m not actually ashamed of that last one. I am, however, ashamed that I am not ashamed of it.
• I once wrote some erotica for a fellow blogger to post on her blog as her own, and she repaid me by sending me some really naughty pictures of herself. Not ashamed of that one either, if I’m honest.
• I once sucked someone’s cock for a gram of coke.
• I volunteer at a homeless shelter for one week a year. People say that its because I’m a nice guy but that’s bullshit. The fact is that there are three times as many female volunteers as there are male volunteers. I might enjoy volunteering and I might think it worthwhile, but I do it primarily to meet pussy.
• I once accepted money to pretend to be someone’s boyfriend.
• When I was about 17, I let this girl bully me. I didn’t have to, but she was hot and being beaten up by her turned me on.
• I am a terrible liar, and two of these things are not true.

Nominations:

I’m not going to nominate anyone for this award, I don’t think any of you deserve it. If anyone wants to nominate themselves though, I’d love to see that…