I am honoured and delighted to have nominated myself for ‘The Total Dick Award’
The rules are simple:
- Thank the nominee and tell them why you think they deserve The Total Dick Award.
- Share ten things about yourself that demonstrate what a Total Dick you are.
- Nominate other Total Dicks.
Thank you Kyle:
You deserve this award as much as I do, and I could never have done it without you. It is your ridiculously over-inflated ego, that has, so justifiably, earned you this award. The way that, when you make love to a beautiful woman, you close your eyes and imagine you are masturbating, the way you award yourself awards, it all adds up to make you the perfect recipient of The Total Dick Award. Congratulations!
- I get a semi every time I get a new follower. Once I got four new followers in five minutes and almost came.
- I once had sext with two women at once, without either of them knowing about the other. I’d given them both the same nicknames so I could cut and paste a lot of what I wrote. We all came at the same time and it was pretty cool, but its not something I guess I should be proud of.
- When I was in the army, I went out with this barmaid called Pamela. She had one leg longer than the other (although it might have been that one leg was shorter, I can’t remember). It didn’t bother me one bit, but all my mates laughed and took the piss and I finished with her because I was too weak to take the peer pressure – I feel bad about that, to this day.
- I was an internet sex slave. For two weeks. To this incredible woman from Florida or Virginia or one of those states. She had me write her sado-masochistic tales like this one and this one and one about castration that was too frightful to ever publish. She also had me take photo’s of me doing painful and humiliating things to myself. It was all a lot of fun but two weeks in I got bored, met someone nice and decided to end it.
- I’m not actually ashamed of that last one. I am, however, ashamed that I am not ashamed of it.
- I once wrote some erotica for a fellow blogger to post on her blog as her own, and she repaid me by sending me some really naughty pictures of herself. Not ashamed of that one either, if I’m honest.
- I once sucked someone’s cock for a gram of coke.
- I volunteer at a homeless shelter for one week a year. People say that its because I’m a nice guy but that’s bullshit. The fact is that there are three times as many female volunteers as there are male volunteers. I might enjoy volunteering and I might think it worthwhile, but I do it primarily to meet pussy.
- I once accepted money to pretend to be someone’s boyfriend.
- When I was about 17, I let this girl bully me. I didn’t have to, but she was hot and being beaten up by her turned me on.
- I am a terrible liar, and two of these things are not true.
I’m not going to nominate anyone for this award, I don’t think any of you deserve it. If anyone wants to nominate themselves though, I’d love to see that…
my words dribble stickily – over your soul – like my thick cum on your tits
my words drown you – making you wet – like your dripping cunt in my face
my words plunge fiercely – making you gag – like my hard prick down your throat
my words shoot thickly – into your mind – like my hot cum deep inside you
words are your lover
words are hot
words turn you on –
throb and fill you up
words get you wet –
make you come at night
words hold you close
words have you beg –
make you their whore
So Mickey’s boy, Brad, ‘as come ‘ome all pissed off and upset and cryin’ and shit, know what I mean. ‘parently ‘im an’ ‘is mates was pissing on some homeless cunt while ‘e was asleep, when the cunt gets up an’ smacks one of Brad’s mates right in the kisser an’ scares the shit out of ’em all. Little cunt’s only fuckin’ nine, know what I mean?
Any’ow, they’ve torn up his cardboard fucking castle an’ chucked some bricks at ‘im an’ shit, but Brad’s mate’s proper shook up an’ that.
Nah, don’t get me wrong, I love the fuckin’ ‘omeless, I always buy the Big Issue off that cunt that moves our rock down the Elephant, an’ I’ll chuck a dollar or two at any cunt what begs ‘ard enough. But this shit’s different, its on our own street and I ain’t puttin’ up wiv that, know what I mean?
So, we grab the kids and pay this fuckin’ toilet a visit an ‘teach the cunt a lesson. I learn sumffin’ too. I learn sumffin about ‘omeless people. I learn that they are ‘arder to set on fire than you might fink. Know what I mean?
the thermometer is reading ninety-fucking-mental and slow, lazy lines of sweat trickle down your body, tracing the curves of your breasts and belly and thighs in long, slow lines. i follow them with my mouth, saline dribbles wet against my lips. i chase a little rivulet down your spine to its tip with my tongue.
i kneel and pull your cheeks apart and watch as the tiny droplet of sweat slides slowly down between them. you start to touch yourself as the tip of my tongue meets the bead of sweat and i feel you quiver at the feather-light touch of my lips on your ass. i kiss you like i would kiss your mouth, luxuriously and wet. your hips thrust and delirious moans explode from your chest and, as your orgasm builds, i feel you twitch and relent and i push my tongue into you as you come. sweat pours down you, in the heat of your passion and the day, as my hands clasp your butt cheeks greedily as my tongue plunges deep into you and you shudder and scream as you orgasm blasts through your whole body like a thousand tiny firecrackers dancing through your every nerve.
after, we collapse in a hot and sticky heap, we grin and hug and remind each other just how much we love each other.
Everybody is beautiful today.
Everything just shines.
A builder’s butt crack
Grins at me
Cheekily from the top of his slacks
i turn up at your workplace, no flowers or chocolates, just a grin on my face. i want to know if you have a stationery cupboard. you giggle and blush, but you lead me there anyway.
inside, i push you roughly against the steel shelving and the foolscap foldering and drop to my knees. i lift your skirt and pull down your already dripping panties and start to kiss your waiting pussy. my tongue laps at you hungrily and your lust grows inside you and your hands grip tighter at the shaky steel scaffolding of our metal and cardboard love nest. paper clips begin to rattle in their boxes, soft, shiny leaf holders quiver in their coloured cases. staples shudder and hole punchers grind as your orgasm rises and your knees tremble in time with the thrusting of your pussy, and the rattling of the loose, grey shelving, as you fuck my face, folder holders and post its fall and flutter around your face mirroring the vivid tingling of your orgasm as you grit your teeth and savour the rushes of your pussy as your whole soul is washed with wave after wave of hot, bursting shudders. you bite your lip hard to stop yourself calling my name, so hard that you leave the only tell-tale sign of our liason, a tiny drop of love red blood on my shaven head.
your workmate doesn’t notice it when he knocks on the door and all he sees when he comes in is me, on all fours, helping you find your contact lens.
i ask you if i can get a stamp for my parking permit. with a giggle and a wink, you tell me, “not a fucking chance.”
Everybody is beautiful today.
Everything just shines.
A candy wrapper
With a condom in the gutter.
i guess i’m a bit of an exhibitionist. i’ve always been turned on by the idea of being watched whilst performing a sexual act, particularly masturbation. so, i’m thrilled when i see that you’ve installed a hidden video camera in my room and decide to put on a real show for you.
i kneel naked in the middle of the bed, making sure that i am in the camera’s field of view, and start stroking myself gently. I am already erect and use just my finger and thumb so you can see its full, twitching length. i look away from the camera, i don’t want you to think that i know you are watching me. i pour lotion over my chest and belly. it is creamy and white and suggestive as i work it into my body, before drizzling more in thick rivulets over the tip of my bulging cock, rubbing it in with long slow pumps of my fist, letting it dribble over and through my fingers.
i take my time and lean back, my chest rising and falling rapidly as my breath quickens. i hold my hand still and let my hips do the work and my orgasm rises suddenly and explosively, shaking the bed and drawing a long satisfied moan from my lips as cum shoots in long thick streaks from my thrashing cock. i mouth your name as i come, not wanting to be too obvious and hope that you’re recording this in good enough quality to see my cum squirt and dribble over and down my shuddering chest and belly, running stickily through my fingers. my orgasm fades in long eye-watering gasps and i lift my head and slip three cum covered fingers into my mouth, tasting them and letting a little drip over my lip and down my chin before collapsing back onto the bed, a quivering, panting mess.
the next day you explain that you suspect the cleaner of stealing and have put hidden cameras around the place in the hope of catching him out. you smile and wink, before heading off to work.
i can tell by the way your friends giggle and whisper that they have all seen it. i should be mortified by this but i am, in fact, thrilled. i guess i’m a bit of an exhibitionist.