i seem to have acquired a cat. it just turned up at the back door, in the rain, looking like it needed something. i don’t know how operate a cat, so i gave it some food, some tuna and some milk and some carrots. cats don’t like carrots.

now it seems to have moved in and is asleep on the bed. i have decided to call it “fuck off” as that seems to be what it answers to. its full name is “fuck off i’m trying to masturbate.” that will make for an interesting trip to the vet’s.

45 responses

  1. deviantdiaries

    I’d love to be at the vet when you make that first appointment…my brother owns a dog he named “Little Bastard” and could shorten it to LB in front of company. I was trying to figure out if that would work….FOITTM….not so much lol.

    12.07.14 at 11.40

    • lol, i nearly called him “fuck off i’m trying to masturbate and no there isn’t any tuna left you ate it all you greedy shit” FOITTMANTIATLYAIAYGS?

      12.07.14 at 12.57

      • deviantdiaries


        12.07.17 at 22.08

  2. this reads like a children’s book. illustrate and publish. please.

    12.07.14 at 01.56

    • that could be fun, thanks.

      12.07.14 at 08.05

  3. *AN* not *and*!

    What-the-fuck-ever. This just gets worse and worse. I’ll stop trying now.


    12.07.14 at 00.11

  4. *They* not *the*

    Fuckity fuckfuckfuck! Aaaaarrrrgh! I got denied and orgasm (or four) this morning and now I can’t spell. Grrrr!

    12.07.13 at 16.59

    • denial of orgasm nevre hepls with my splleing eihter

      12.07.13 at 17.02

  5. Um, that TO was supposed to be TWO.


    12.07.13 at 16.58

    • fek – lol – yes, cats are very entertaining but make poor dance partners

      12.07.13 at 17.00

  6. I have to cats. They interrupt more than just masturbation. (Insert put-upon sigh here.) But they’re cuddly and lovey and the purr. Plus they’re highly entertaining. So I consider them mini-me’s. 😉

    12.07.13 at 16.56

  7. Lol!!!

    12.07.13 at 16.32

  8. TemptingSweets99

    LOL! I’ve got a name for your cat — Kylie. 😉 That sounds MUCH better! 😛

    12.07.13 at 15.01

    • i agree but the cat doesn’t respond to that – to be fair the cat doesn’t respond to anything lol

      12.07.13 at 16.59

  9. That’s sweet Kyle, taking in a stray like that.

    12.07.13 at 11.44

    • it has decided to repay me for my sweetness by digging its claws into all my furniture lol

      12.07.13 at 11.53

  10. LOL, love the name! No, cats do not like carrots, but I had one who adored watermelon, and one now who has a passion for peanut butter…you never know. Quirky little things, cats, as they were worshiped once and never got over it.

    12.07.13 at 10.09

    • yeah arrogant little fucks aren’t they – that must be it

      12.07.13 at 10.12

      • I think that’s it–we own dogs–cats allow us to live with them.

        12.07.13 at 10.14

  11. there once was a puss prowling your street
    looking for somewhere to eat meat
    and what should he find
    but a man of same mind
    now they both use your bed to eat fish


    12.07.13 at 10.09

    • ha – i love your poetic replies – keep ’em comeing

      12.07.13 at 10.10

      • i think you spelled comeing wrong. but it’s the thought that counts. 😉

        12.07.13 at 10.11

        • its the coming that counts – lost me glasses lol

          12.07.13 at 10.13

          • lol. yes, i stand corrected. and, did you check your head?

            12.07.13 at 12.33

  12. I had a male cat called Baby and a female cat called Mommy, not blood relatives. When they they grew up a bit you can imagine what happened between them, it was fun to say that Baby is the father of Mommy’s children. 🙂

    12.07.13 at 07.47

    • confusing for the children tho 😀

      12.07.13 at 07.50

  13. La La

    I think it’s sweet considering you aren’t much of an animal person haha.

    12.07.13 at 07.43

    • thank you – its ok though, because the cat is not much of a human person haha

      12.07.13 at 07.46

  14. clownonfire

    I read out loud, it’s a habit. When I read “Fuck off”, both my kids replied “What, Clown Dad?”…

    12.07.13 at 07.42

    • haha – how funny

      12.07.13 at 07.45

      • clownonfire

        My 8-yr old asked me if you were a rock star, based on your photo. What should I tell him?
        Le Clown

        12.07.13 at 07.47

        • tell him the truth, i’m just a guy who scribbles stuff at the internet

          12.07.13 at 07.51

          • clownonfire

            He asked me what “scribbles” means…

            Ok, I’ll stop.
            Le Clown

            12.07.13 at 07.52

  15. Rob

    You should be aware that you are no longer in charge in your own home: cats are always boss.

    12.07.13 at 06.31

    • that certainly seems to be the way lol

      12.07.13 at 06.32

  16. Hey! There’s a pussy on your bed!

    12.07.13 at 06.30

    • yeah, i must admit that i prefer a pussy in my bed, but there you go 🙂

      12.07.13 at 06.32

      • You know what to give a stray pussy to make it stay, honey. 🙂

        12.07.13 at 06.58

    • Ah man!!! That’s what I was gonna say!

      12.07.13 at 13.44

      • i don’t know which kind of pussy i want most in my bed any more – hang on, let me ask my cock – ok yes, now i do

        12.07.13 at 14.23

        • glad you’ve gotten that clear with yourself. 🙂

          12.07.13 at 14.29

  17. eroticexploration

    Haha, interesting trip indeed! Enjoy the feline company 🙂

    12.07.13 at 06.29

    • yes, thanks, i will

      12.07.13 at 06.30

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