That enough?

Customer service is not really something we do well in Britain, its not something we do at all, if I’m honest. Often you can purchase items from a store without a single word being shared with the cashier. The girl in my local store is permanently on her phone and the only contact we share is the angry glare she will shoot at me for having attempted to interrupt her.

I imagine that this is something that would infuriate a lot of Americans, it infuriates a lot of Brits too but not me. I think its funny and very British. I hear that outside of London things are different (I try to avoid leaving London, if I can at all help it), but here, that’s how we do things: I buy my shit, you sell me it, there’s no need to suck each other’s dicks on the way.

Sometimes, on the rare occasions that some chirpy little dicksplash behind a till, grins at me and says “Good morning Sir! How are you today?” I like to fuck with his, or her, head and respond with something like,
“Well, my dog died and my wife left me and I’ve been diagnosed with bollock cancer, and I lost my job and am on my way to my best friend’s funeral. How are you?”

The other day I was smoking a joint with a friend on the canal tow path when a tourist laden barge chugged past us. Two beaming children were waving at everybody from their window seats. My friend and I didn’t even have to look at each other to know what to do, and with what must have looked like choreographed  synchronisity, we flipped them off.

Sometimes though, we do have our moments, times when customer and cashier connect and share a little something. I experienced two such moments today. The air vent in my living room window was broken. I had no idea what I should ask for or what size I needed, so I unscrewed it and took it to the hardware store with me. “Do you sell these?” I asked the old guy behind the counter, plonking it down.
“Dirty, broken ones?” he replied, “I’m afraid not Sir.”

After purchasing my shiny new window vent, I popped into the pub on the way home and ordered a Virgin Mary. The barmaid wanted to know if I wanted Worcester sauce with it. I did, and as she held this gigantic bottle of sauce over my glass and shook it, to tease a drop or two into my drink, the top popped off and Worcester sauce flooded my glass and gushed all over the bar, pouring over the edge and onto the sawdust coated floor. She looked at me, smiled and asked “That enough?”

60 responses

  1. “I buy my shit, you sell me it, there’s no need to suck each other’s dicks on the way.”
    hysterical that was. I was hoping you and your friend were going to MOON the kids AND the tug ship of tourists!!

    12.08.06 at 12.49

    • thanks jayne – i guess we should have – i’m not sure she would have agreed though 🙂

      12.08.06 at 12.52

  2. Just wanted to say ……HIYA !!!!!!!!!
    it’s been a while xx
    Hope all is good over the ocean with You 🙂

    12.08.05 at 18.30

    • hey! hiya cat!!! welcome back – you’ve been missed

      12.08.06 at 07.12

      • I missed You Too – You have been quiet …….
        what’s going on mister Kyle ,,,,,, ? Good stuff i hope ……..:) xx

        12.08.06 at 09.08

        • aww – been sidetracked by having to make a living but i’ll be back soon xx

          12.08.06 at 09.18

          • i know it sucks …………
            i am there too ………
            it’s reality right …:)
            but remember how talented you are ………….
            and i was reading your bio or about you before and all the stuff you do – apps and stuff ? computer stuff ………… ? was i reading right ?
            Go for it mister …….. xx
            i totally believe in you

            12.08.06 at 09.30

            • hey thanks sweetheart, you’re very kind to say that – yeah that page pretty much sums me up xx
              ~ k )

              12.08.06 at 09.35

              • It’s True …You are one talented man ….
                Go Gettem Tiger …………. ROAR !!!!!!!!!!
                and smile will ya 🙂 xx

                12.08.06 at 09.37

                • thanks for making me 😆 xx

                  12.08.06 at 09.38

                  • !!!!!!! HA ………….. 🙂

                    12.08.06 at 09.50

                  • Wait wait !!!!!!!!!!!!!
                    i just saw and heard you on Youtube
                    THIS MUST BE YOU ? 🙂 LOL XOXOXOXOXOXO

                    12.08.06 at 09.53

                    • oh cat, that’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me ROOAAAARRRR!!!
                      xx 😆

                      12.08.06 at 10.09

                    • i just ran down the street to get a coffee – thinking ROAR ROAR ROAR ……… Xo
                      People look at you funny when your roar down the street …lol 🙂
                      This is YOU
                      without the cage !!!!!!!!!!!


                      12.08.06 at 10.33

                    • lol
                      thank you

                      12.08.06 at 11.23

                    • anything to make you smile 🙂 xo

                      12.08.06 at 11.31

  3. Customer service is a prehistoric phenomena. I don’t mind, or actually, I prefer they shut up. Most of them haven’t got a clue what they’re selling anyway. Once, I interrupted a girl filing away on her plastic nails behind the counter. I just wanted to pay okay. She got upset, got rough with the file and ended up popping one of her nails off. Then she started blaming me. So I left and found a shop with a cashier chatting on her mobile phone.

    12.08.05 at 07.25

    • just as it should be – thanks 🙂

      12.08.05 at 07.28

      • Evolution is fucking brilliant. Things does get better and better.

        12.08.05 at 07.32

        • they sure does 🙂

          12.08.05 at 07.45

  4. I hope you had a huge hissy fit and made her day! Not really. Of course, you could have just drunk it up.

    12.08.05 at 00.54

    • i should have asked for a little more

      12.08.05 at 05.31

  5. oh my gosh i laughed so many times during this post…i very much look forward to reading more of your blog

    12.08.03 at 23.53

    • thank you – i’m glad i made you smile – please do come back anytime

      12.08.04 at 06.02

  6. Rob

    Kyle, you’re a disgrace. I loved it!

    12.08.03 at 10.22

  7. To be honest, I’d prefer a little less syrupy, bullshit from shop-workers. I’m positive the customer is NOT always freaking right, and I don’t want to be bothered when I’m looking for the whatchamacallit I need but haven’t found yet. Leave me the hell alone, and find someone else’s ass to blow smoke up!

    Sure feels good to get that off my chest. ;0)

    For what it’s worth, I’m Canadian, but I’m pretty sure I should have been born in the UK… or somewhere else in Europe… perhaps sparsely populated? YES! That place will do.

    Veggiewitch ♥

    12.08.02 at 01.28

    • i think you’d fit right in but europe, and the uk in particular, are very far from sparsely populated and you might find it a little crowded ♥

      12.08.02 at 05.50

  8. I thought you were going to say that you and your mates dropped your drawers and showed the tourist children your behinds.

    12.08.01 at 22.13

    • haha – way too much effort to expend on a tourist lol

      12.08.02 at 05.44

  9. That was just right

    12.08.01 at 14.47

  10. Perfect–and here we complain of slowness and “bad attitude” from our service people. They could learn a thing or two from you Brits 🙂

    12.08.01 at 14.11

    • and vice versa lo

      12.08.01 at 14.32

  11. hahaha You Brits are ridiculously funny. It’s the understatement mentioned above. You all are bored, fat cats to our slobbering, happy, petmepetmepet me dogs.

    12.08.01 at 11.45

    • thanks. we have our moments, i guess. as do you guys xo

      12.08.01 at 11.52

  12. God help me, this is why I miss living in London so much.

    12.08.01 at 10.38

    • we know how to buy our shit

      12.08.01 at 10.46

      • That, and the unbearably perfect understatement.

        12.08.01 at 10.47

        • that’s not so bad either, i suppose

          12.08.01 at 10.49

        • workspousestory


          12.08.01 at 14.36

  13. TemptingSweets99


    12.08.01 at 10.28

  14. Perfect!

    12.08.01 at 10.19

  15. sooo….was it enough? Too funny!

    12.08.01 at 10.09

    • i should have replied with “just a drop more, please.”

      12.08.01 at 10.10

  16. OMG you cracked me up, thanks for making my morning. I’m a Brit (Londoner) living in the states and let me tell you customer service… SUCKS! I think it might be worse here, believe me. I Look forward to reading whatever craziness you decide to post next. Have a good one darling!

    12.08.01 at 10.08

    • hey thank you maylana, i sure will. make sure you do too!

      12.08.01 at 10.13

  17. Thanks for making me smile Kyle : )

    12.08.01 at 09.21

    • any time bella

      12.08.01 at 09.22

  18. Why do I get the feeling “That enough?” will be making more appearances here?

    12.08.01 at 08.38

    • haha – yeah, i should make it a category lol

      12.08.01 at 08.38

      • deviantdiaries

        *clapping hands like a moron* oh yes..please do!

        12.08.01 at 13.38

  19. hmph…you are right, we americans do like our customer service.

    but shit, if i’d have thought of it as you do, sucking each other’s dicks, i might have become a customer service teacher instead of what i did become…

    a Worcestershire Sauce bottle cap screw-er on-er

    12.08.01 at 08.31

    • i knew you had something to do with it

      12.08.01 at 08.32

  20. TheOthers1

    Lol! Best responses ever.

    12.08.01 at 08.27

    • yeah, who needs customer service when you have wit like that?

      12.08.01 at 08.29

      • deviantdiaries

        *whip crack* break it up lol

        12.08.01 at 13.39

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