100 metres

Now, I’ve voted Labour all me life, jus’ like my old man did. I mean, its the party of the workin’ class, ain’t it? Can’t stand them Tory cunts, all posh an’ that. So, you can imagine my fucking ‘orror then, when this posh cunt turns up at my fuckin’ door, tellin’ me ‘e’s my Labour member of fuckin’ parliamnent. I mean, this cunt’s more middle-classed than the fuckin’ queen, the cunt. Know what I mean?

An’ ‘e’s all bangin’ on about them air-to-surface missiles the army got up on our roof for the ‘lympics an’ that, an’ ‘ow that makes us a target for terrorist attacks, an’ ‘ow that violates our ‘uman rights and shit. Now Mickey’s on the Wii an’ everyfin’, but ‘e knows that if ‘e ‘ears me screamin’ the word ‘cunt’ for more than a coupla minutes at some mother-fucker, then ‘is attendance is required. ‘e ‘splains to this little wank stain just ‘ow much ‘e loves ‘avin’ our brave boys on the roof, an’ ‘ow ‘e loves to take ‘is youngest up there to look at all them uniforms and guns and stuff, ‘ow proud ‘e feels. I keep me mouf shut about ‘ow we’ve been floggin’ them boys with the S-to-A crack and ice and acid and let Mickey just tell ‘im that no tree-huggin’, bi-fuckin-sexual like ‘im can ever represent the workin’ man. Know what I mean?

Any’ow this ‘omo Cambridge cunt comes out with all this “…but even if we did intercept a genuine terrorist threat, the plane those chaps shot down would still, nevertheless, crash into a residential area, killing hundreds, perhaps thousands of innocent people.”
“Yeah,” I point out, “poor people though, not dignitaries or celebrities, but people what don’t matter!” and while I’m wondering just what it is they teach these cunts at uni-fuckin-versity, i catch Mickey, out of the corner of me eye, searchin’ ‘is pockets for a blade. Now, I don’t wanna see some politician sliced up on me own doorway, that just ain’t democratic, if you know what I mean. So I send Mickey back to the console and deal with the situation meself.

I coulda been a good politician, I reckon. I only had to dangle that cunt over the balcony, by his ankles for 8.5 seconds before ‘e done what politicians call a U-turn. That’s faster than what Usain Bolt run the 100 metres. Know what I mean?

more from this series

26 responses

  1. Isabella

    As always….loved reading this : )

    12.08.07 at 19.23

  2. TheOthers1

    I was wondering where you’d gotten off to. I love these stories. Very entertaining.

    12.08.07 at 15.22

    • been having to earn money, writing shit i don’t even like – how i long for the days when i kissed ass for a living… hang on… that’s still what i do. damn!
      thanks for liking my tale – more to come 🙂

      12.08.07 at 15.25

  3. I could say.. I knew you when, tell all my friends, ” I know that guy…sort of.” Then fly to London and stand in line waiting for your pen to touch my pages. Amongst the masses you would be like, “get in line.. get in line.” : )

    12.08.07 at 14.07

    • you, jenni, will never ever have to stand in line for me – this i promise

      12.08.07 at 14.16

    • I will be right behind Jenni!

      12.08.07 at 14.23

      • not that its ever gonna happen, but you guys will never have to stand in any line on my account – the moment i see you, i will have security sling you both out 😉

        12.08.07 at 15.12

  4. Love the dialect. I agree with Susie… Publish!

    12.08.07 at 14.04

    • you are very sweet – maybe when i’ve amassed more material – but he’d chop my nuts off if he knew i was blogging about him – worse… he’d send his missus to do it – yikes!

      12.08.07 at 14.15

  5. I love the dialect. It is not easy to write. When will we get a book from you?

    12.08.07 at 13.05

    • not sure its worthy of a book, but there will be more x

      12.08.07 at 13.18

      • I just think that you could write the British equivalent of the memoir by Frank McCourt. With all of your stories, it would be a best seller!

        12.08.07 at 13.30

        • I agree. Just do it!

          12.08.07 at 14.05

          • if rhonda says – then i guess its gotta be a great idea – ty

            12.08.07 at 14.15

            • ahhh, gwan wit’ya….but it’s true.

              12.08.07 at 15.28

        • i’d love to thinks so susie, but i doubt it. i don’t have the talent, or the experience or the number of anecdotes that frank did – thank you though – i love ya x

          12.08.07 at 15.23

          • Think about it anyway….everyone has a story..

            12.08.07 at 15.49

            • ok susie – i’ll think about it – and thank you, you are a star

              12.08.07 at 18.22

  6. not only faster…but more fun to watch! love it when people come ’round just cause you ask nicely. 😉

    12.08.07 at 12.59

    • its all about being diplomtic 😉

      12.08.07 at 13.00

  7. workspousestory

    Aww…..what a pleasure to read. Missed you!

    12.08.07 at 12.53

    • aww thanks – good to be back india

      12.08.07 at 12.54

  8. I loved this. I could hear the guy talking, too. Probably in a pub, while smoking.

    12.08.07 at 12.47

    • thanks – its how i met him

      12.08.07 at 12.49

  9. TemptingSweets99

    Loved the ending. 🙂

    12.08.07 at 12.33

    • thank you my friend
      🙂

      12.08.07 at 12.35

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