The Cunnilympics

The entire city of London, it would seem, has become obsessed by the Olympics. Now, while I’m delighted by team GB’s successes, I gotta admit that I have been more absorbed by an alternative sporting event, the Cunnilympics, which is held every four years in the Twat and Merkin pub, down the Old Bent Road. Like the original Ancient Greek version, Cunnilympic events are performed naked, although, unlike the originals, they consist mostly of contestants performing athletic, and sometimes dangerous, sexual acts. There are parallel bar events and ring events and several kinds of marathon. There are sprints and shooting and a very interesting variation on weight lifting, and this year synchronised masturbation was included in this venerable (venereal surely: ED) sporting line up. The Cunnilympic version of the pole vault is probably the most dangerous event and, after table tennis, was always my favourite, until this year that is, when I was able to get tickets to the men’s relay final and the heavyweight cock wrestling.

Four teams of strapping, naked and erect young men, from America, Russia, Great Britain and China, stand in the centre of the arena, in front of an audience of mostly women and gay men and wait for the starting gun, all of them stiff and twitching in anticipation. The idea of the competition is for each athlete to grasp their neighbour’s ‘baton’ and bring them to orgasm, at which point the neighbour grabs his neighbour’s cock and so on until all four contestants have come, the first team to have all their athletes blow their loads, being declared the winners.

The instant the starting pistol fires, four powerful hands grasp four pulsing pricks and start furiously pumping them up and down. The Chinese get off to a flying start with How Hee Cum squirting a thick streak of jiz over the back of the Russian reigning champion, Boris Jerkov in just under 20 seconds. Next to come is the American Mark Spurtz, who, despite his nine inch member has been training hard for up to eight hours a day, and as he comes into his partners face he shouts “God bless America!” and turns expertly to grab Joe Spunks twitching prick. The British are in a close third place and catching up fast as Bradley Cummings lighting fast fist coaxes several hot, thick squirts of cum from Robin Bellend’s tiny but potent shaft. Then disaster strikes as Paul Bollokov slips in a puddle of Karl Kumova’s semen and drops his baton, earning the Russians instant disqualification. After one minute forty-eight seconds the Americans and Chinese are neck, and neck and Cum So Fa and Dick Seaman start to shoot their goo together. Its going to take a careful examination of the slo-motion replay to decide this one, and as they both grunt and jerk their way to conclusion and glory, the crowd cheer “Come on Britian!” and they do.

Still sticky with sweat and each other’s juces, the team captains mount the podium, erect with pride, as the queen herself hangs their medals on their throbbing members. The crowd go wild and get ready for the heavyweight cock wrestling, where two amazingly well endowed athletes will clash cocks until one of them becomes flaccid.

57 responses

  1. Still throbbing and erect after all that? Where are these men!

    12.08.30 at 05.59

  2. Reblogged:- with permission @

    12.08.26 at 14.02

  3. Porkchop

    I would definitely like to watch this jizzfest on a large screened television.

    12.08.13 at 16.40

  4. F-ing brilliant. I adore you.

    12.08.10 at 20.11

    • thanks marian – i adore you too

      12.08.11 at 06.36

  5. Reblogged this on Infernal Deity of a Psychotic Mind and commented:
    I was rooting for the Russians I mean men like Paul Bollokov and Karl Kumova are hard to cum by. I’m so bummed they were disqualified I guess I’m gonna have to train them myself

    12.08.10 at 01.52

  6. I was rooting for the Russians I mean men like Paul Bollokov and Karl Kumova are hard to cum by. I’m so bummed they were disqualified 😦 I guess I’m gonna have to train them myself

    12.08.10 at 01.51

    • sounds like a good idea – they’re bound to win if you do 😉

      12.08.10 at 04.48

      • I think so too, I’m a good “inspirational source” for aspiring new talents 😉

        12.08.10 at 06.25

  7. deviantdiaries

    OMG tears running down my cheeks from laughing….wish this was an event I could record and play back. Holy hell!

    12.08.09 at 22.30

    • its at its best in hd slo-motion 🙂

      12.08.10 at 04.46

  8. Uzoma

    This should be a special event! Lol. Great writing. Well-coined title!

    12.08.09 at 15.55

  9. I’m speechless… Only you could come up with something like this…

    12.08.09 at 04.28

    • thank you princess

      12.08.09 at 05.36

  10. Ack! I totally just laughed and gagged in a coffee shop. Thanks, Kyle!!

    12.08.08 at 17.03

    • i have warned you about that lol

      12.08.08 at 17.30

  11. gypsy116

    lol, not everyday that a man can celebrate having the most premature ejaculation.

    12.08.08 at 17.01

  12. TemptingSweets99

    ROFLOL! This is just too good! I’d really LOVE to observe this cunnilympics. THIS is my kind of spectator event. 😀

    12.08.08 at 14.54

    • haha – i had you down as more of a participant or maybe a referee 😉

      12.08.08 at 15.08

      • TemptingSweets99

        *laughing some more!* You mean I could be a part of it or be a referee!? Oh! I love it even more! 😀

        12.08.08 at 15.10

        • so which would you prefer? athlete, ref or judge? 😀

          12.08.08 at 15.17

          • TemptingSweets99

            Oh! All so desirable. Let me think…

            12.08.08 at 15.18

  13. TheOthers1

    Ahahahahaha. The names are the best part.

    12.08.08 at 14.28

  14. So what you’re saying is, the most premature ejaculators…


    Well, I s’pose that’s *one* way to represent your cunt-ry… 😉

    12.08.08 at 13.21

    • its only one event – i guess you would probably enjoy the endurance events and the dickathon – i almost qualified for one of the distance events 😉

      12.08.08 at 13.23

  15. PAZ

    haha. Hilarious Kyle! I want to know what this commentary SOUNDED like. 😉

    12.08.08 at 12.12

    • noisy paz, noisy

      12.08.08 at 12.15

      • PAZ

        I bet! Nearly unintelligible I imagine.

        12.08.08 at 12.20

        • a lot of grunting – you disappeared from fb, everything all right?

          12.08.08 at 12.30

          • PAZ

            Kyle not everything. But a lot of things are alright, so I guess I’ll focus on those. 😉 Thank you. I was just having a “fuck it all” day. heheh. I decided to out myself from Facecrack for a few days, maybe a week. Also to avoid stalking Big Drummer Bear and feeling guilty afterward. lol.

            12.08.09 at 11.23

          • PAZ

            By the way, I’m still on Facecrack. Well… the other half of me is. 😉 ‘Cause you know we can’t ever get too over saturated with this shits. xo


            12.08.10 at 06.04

  16. The play by play’s so palpable.

    12.08.08 at 11.06

    • i’m not gonna get front row seats next time jenni, the dry cleaning bill alone was a nightmare 😉

      12.08.08 at 12.14

  17. God Kyle! You are HYSTERICAL! You’ve given me the hiccups.

    Cunnylypic Bisous,

    PS: Was the queen wearing a hat? I suppose she was.

    12.08.08 at 11.04

    • i think i meant ‘a queen’ sorry 😉

      12.08.08 at 12.14

  18. Mark Spurtz 🙂

    12.08.08 at 10.38

    • a true athlete 😉

      12.08.08 at 10.59

  19. Clearly I need to pay more attention to the Olympics!

    12.08.08 at 10.16

    • haha – they ain’t what they used to be

      12.08.08 at 10.59

  20. All that cum going to waste ;-( doesn’t make me happy bunny but I love the idea so much. Where can I buy the front row tickets please.

    12.08.08 at 09.51

    • i was hoping you’d like to judge some of the events

      12.08.08 at 09.58

      • Hell yeah – consider it done. Does that include taste -ability?

        12.08.08 at 10.00

        • perhaps you could enter the blow-jobathon and win gold for team gb 🙂

          12.08.08 at 10.02

          • YES YES

            12.08.08 at 11.20

            • i’ll start polishing my medal straight away – and, yes, that is a euphemism

              12.08.08 at 12.19

              • Putting in a week of intensive training now so I in with at good chance ;-p

                12.08.08 at 12.25

                • you know what they say… “practice makes pervert”
                  lemme know if you need a sparring partner 😉

                  12.08.08 at 12.33

                  • Unfortunately you are too far from my location this week but never say never 😉

                    12.08.08 at 12.46

  21. You may have missed your calling Mew! ROFL…Your play by play ( pull by pull ) commentary is very exciting. I am imagining the participatory oooohs and ahhhhhs of the crowd. Quite be-cumming!

    (One thing…you didn’t mention where we can get tickets to the wrestling match! the Ultimate Cock Fight…can I hear a cock a doodle do?)

    12.08.08 at 09.02

    • well i do put a lot of time in training 😉
      sadly rhonda, you’ve missed the cock fight – shame, it was an epic hour-and-a-half battle of the bell-ends 😆

      12.08.08 at 09.06

      • DAMN! Who won???? Name not required…just the address thanks. 😉

        12.08.08 at 09.08

        • 6969 Shaft Street
          X69 WTF

          12.08.08 at 09.50

          • Oh hell friending him on Facebook

            12.08.08 at 09.52

          • Inserted! In my GPS that is. No, really!

            12.08.08 at 09.52

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