The seven deadly things

I said long ago, that I would no longer be accepting blogger awards, and it wasn’t because I thought that they were a pointless (but very imaginative and caring) form of chain letter, but because  being nominated gives me such an almighty erection that,  I would fear for my mortal safety, were I to be nominated more than once in quick succession. It is only thanks to the swift action, and early arrival, of my cleaning lady, Mrs Go’onanonanonagan (87 but with the tits of an 85 year old), that I was not later discovered drowned in a pool of my own semen, after having received three such awards within the space of a single afternoon.

As I lay here in my hospital bed, recovering from an ego overdose, I think it only fair that I respond to Rhonda from Help Me Rhonda (The Seven Things About Me Award), Maureen from Magnolia Beginnings (The Five Best Books Ever Award) and Mad Gay Man from Diary of a Mad Gay Man (Bitches Love Awards Award), for their flattering and honouring nominations.

As per my doctor’s orders, I will respond to each nomination with a post of its own and start with Rhonda’a ‘Seven Things About Me Award’.

The rules of this award require me to first thank the nominee, then to reveal seven embarrassing facts about myself and finally to nominate 463 other bloggers.

Thank you Rhonda:

Rhonda’s blog, Help Me Rhonda, is a witty, sweet and charming, daily dose of life-affirming wisdom and side-splitting humour, beautifully taken photographs and cleverly observed anecdotes. If you have not yet discovered her, then do so now, or I will have you cruelly murdered.

Seven things:

  1. I could read by the age of three. I kinda taught myself but was encouraged and helped by my family, who seemed to think I was possibly some kind of prodigy. Sadly it was my only trick, I simply had to learn “how to do words”, and after that I was, academically, something of a disappointment.
  2. I know 30 different ways to kiss – 31, if you include ‘on the mouth.’
  3. I think its wrong to use poetry or art to get into a woman’s head. It’s much better to use them to get into a woman’s pants.
  4. I  once was a cartoonist, for a chain of pot-selling coffee shops in the Netherlands. I used to get paid in pot and only got the job because the previous incumbent had been tied to his push-bike, by the Dutch Mafia , and thrown into a canal. A very Dutch way to die, their bikes are very heavy.
  5. I had a girlfriend who ran off with my best friend, and I still miss him.
  6. I have a notepad and pen in every room in the house. It’s because I never know when I will have an idea. I even have a notepad in the lavatory. Once, after taking a large amount of magic mushrooms, I discovered the secret to life there and, obviously, wrote it down. The following morning, upon realising  that I had run out of toilet paper, I had to use it to wipe my arse. Well? What would you have done?
  7. I have no idea what the pre-wash function on my washing machine is for.

Nominations:

Normally I claim to be unable to nominate anyone because I never bother reading any of the shite you all write. This is not actually true. I do, I avidly, read every word of all your blogs. The reason I can’t nominate anyone is because I am simply too lazy and way too busy masturbating over your gravatar images.

71 responses

  1. Butterfly

    “way too busy masturbating over your gravatar images.”
    Mmmm I am flattered…and you are forgiven for not nominating me, Kyle 😛

    12.08.28 at 21.36

    • if i was going to nominate anybody, it would be you

      12.08.30 at 07.54

      • Butterfly

        I’m dancing on tiptoes right now

        12.08.30 at 12.33

        • that’s a great image, thank you

          12.08.30 at 14.00

  2. I know that’s not exactly the personalised interview we were talking about, but I’m wondering if you’d like to answer the questions here:

    http://storyofalice.wordpress.com/2012/08/28/sex-is-fun-five-questions/

    xoxo

    12.08.28 at 10.14

  3. Pingback: I’VE BEEN OUTED! « Help Me Rhonda

  4. I’m interested in the 30 ways of kissing. Could you tell me about it?

    12.08.27 at 04.34

    • coming up in a future post my friend 🙂

      12.08.27 at 05.41

  5. Pingback: The Supreme Ass Cake Award « 1800ukillme

  6. I’d give a crap about the whole awards thing…I want to know about this 30 ways of kissing. …and since I don’t listen well…I’m more of a hands on kinda girl…just so you know.

    12.08.26 at 21.31

    • Ha..I meant..I don’t give a crap…sorry ..I was distracted

      12.08.26 at 21.46

    • i figured that from you blog isabella hehe 😉

      12.08.27 at 05.40

  7. Oh you are SO witty! I love that list. 30 ways of kissing..it almost makes me wish I could try them out. I am 49, by the way, but have the tits of an 85 year old..interested?

    12.08.26 at 20.20

    • thank you and how could i not be 😉

      12.08.27 at 05.39

  8. I love how you do these awards :)!!! I am with you on #7…

    12.08.26 at 19.37

    • thank you – according to the comment above, its some kind of laundry based foreplay 😉

      12.08.27 at 05.38

  9. workspousestory

    Elaborate on the 30 ways of kissing, please.

    12.08.26 at 19.15

    • that’s a whole new post lol

      12.08.26 at 19.17

      • workspousestory

        One then? 😉 Just a teaser, really.

        12.08.26 at 19.18

        • bend over and grab your ankles and i might divulge

          12.08.26 at 19.19

          • hmmmm

            12.08.26 at 19.21

          • workspousestory

            Done. Divulge away, although I’m predicting a show-and-tell session rather than written explanation by now.

            12.08.26 at 20.14

  10. You’re masturbating?

    12.08.26 at 17.13

  11. Thanks for the plug of my blog mew…good to know you’d whack someone for me…or is that wank? I get your british euphemisms mixed up. either way, i’m sure you’d enjoy it. Glad you indulged me and played along. Ta

    12.08.26 at 16.13

    • i’d do both for you rhonda – just say who and when and how and what

      12.08.26 at 17.24

      • Not even a how much? Awww, I feel special indeed! Thanks for having me on my back mew…er…having my back. That’s what I meant to say, really, it is.
        (Freud…shut the fuck up)

        12.08.26 at 17.29

        • so what are you suggesting? a threesome with you and me and this freud fella?

          12.08.26 at 17.32

          • Ha! well you and me and him and your id and my id and his…shit…is it getting hot in here or is it me?

            12.08.26 at 17.37

            • you were always hot but if we are inviting ids and egos and super egos that makes it a twelvesome – now i’m wondering if its hot or just me 😉

              12.08.26 at 17.40

              • It’s fucking hot…sweating like pigs…need a bigger bed…fuck this floor is hard….damn ids all over the place…egos gettin in the way…freud’s an ass…get rid of him mew….but let that cute little super ego stay…kind of like the twinkle in his id…makes me feel ‘jung’

                12.08.26 at 17.45

                • ids are easy enough to satisfy, you just have to stroke their egos (and i have a super-ego) but once you bring jung into the mix, well then we’re entering a whole new dream world – just cut to the chase and show us your ink blots rhonda

                  12.08.26 at 17.50

                  • Ink blots? you want to waste time on ink blots? shit, i’m going back for the mad gay man! the least you could have asked me to show was a cum blot. damn mew…leggo your ego!

                    12.08.26 at 18.02

  12. Love 2 and 5 – sorry you lost your friend

    12.08.26 at 16.02

    • thanks for your feedback – 2 and 5 were the two that most needed sharing – or did i mean 3 and 7?
      thank you anyway

      12.08.26 at 17.25

  13. happy nomination for you, when is your acceptance speech on the telly?

    12.08.26 at 15.06

    • oh, god, never i hope, that would ruin any hopes i ever had for fame and fortune

      12.08.26 at 17.26

  14. I can’t help thinking you should have at least bought me dinner, but so happy to have given you such a happy ending. You are a gem.

    12.08.26 at 14.58

    • Gee Mo…thanks for thinking that dinner of yours should have been a mangia-tois. But hey…you two go ahead, mangia away…me and the mad gay man will be over here in the corner waiting for the scraps. (he’s gay…i’m not..shit)

      12.08.26 at 15.59

      • Oh the more the merrier! Come one, come all…I need to stop now : )

        12.08.26 at 16.01

        • Oh hell, we could just have a food fight instead!

          12.08.26 at 16.03

          • Sadly, I think I’d pefer that.

            12.08.26 at 16.04

            • Awww Mo…you need to get out more. Meet me on the porch…we’ll egg mew’s house, grab the mad gay man, and go decorate something. 😉

              12.08.26 at 16.07

              • God, I haven’t done something like that in years, certainly not on the same day. Let’s go…

                12.08.26 at 16.11

                • can we somehow combine all of this into one glorious evening? including dinner and house egging?

                  12.08.26 at 17.28

  15. You know, you sound like you could be a lot of fun over some drinks.

    12.08.26 at 14.25

    • that’s funny trent, i was reading your blog and thinking exactly the same thing

      12.08.26 at 14.27

      • Well, one day we shall have to make it so. This blogging thing is funny, still new to it, but there seem to be people out there that appear more vibrant and interesting than the people I see at work/on the road/etc. Maybe it’s just perspective, I don’t know. Anyway, should we meet, my drink of choice is Crown Royal, but I like scotch and never say no to red wine.

        12.08.26 at 14.34

        • canada or england then?

          12.08.26 at 15.46

          • Live in Canada, from England. Go back and forth now and then.

            12.08.26 at 17.02

            • lemme know next time you are in town (town being london (not the ontario one)) 🙂

              12.08.26 at 17.29

  16. Little Miss

    Surely, if you use pre-wash, it is still washing it just a little?

    12.08.26 at 13.33

    • yeah, but why does it need to wash my stuff twice?

      12.08.26 at 13.58

      • that’s a question better answered by your Go’onanonanonagan don’t ya think? She may be old, but bet HER panties aren’t crusty. ewwwww, then again, bet they are. ewwwwww

        12.08.26 at 16.05

  17. Oh Kyle! You always amuse me with your ways!!!

    12.08.26 at 11.05

    • but i still don’t know what the pre-wash cycle is for – will no one tell me?

      12.08.26 at 13.01

      • Pre-wash is like the foreplay of washing your clothes. I’d like to believe it is necessary before the actual washing occurs.It has the intent of increasing the level of excitement of doing laundry.

        12.08.27 at 00.04

        • ah now i get it – thanks

          12.08.27 at 05.44

  18. Mrs Go’onanonanonagan sounds perfect for my “outer-limits” porno project — congratulations on your award Kyle!

    12.08.26 at 10.25

    • she says that she would be delighted to participate – she works for minimum wage and will leave your apartment (amongst other things) sparkling

      12.08.26 at 12.53

  19. Hahaha Kyle–oh, love how you do awards!

    12.08.26 at 10.22

    • thank you susan – but please don’t nominate me for any as it may have unfortunate physical consequences

      12.08.26 at 12.51

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