A great wave

the last few weeks and days of my life have transformed me, like very few periods in my life ever have. maybe when my son died, or maybe when he was born, but little else in my life has caused me to define and redefine myself as much as the last few days and weeks have. i have lost friends and gained friends. i have had a punch up on the street with one of my best mates, and i have not had a punch up in decades. i have learned a lot about myself and a lot of it i wish i hadn’t. i have had to look at myself hard and admit things i don’t like. i am shallow and fickle and very selfish. i am proud and arrogant and stupid. i have had to look at myself very hard, in a way that made me realise that i am deep and serious and not what i just said. i am as stupid as i am clever. i am a walking contradiction. i can feel real and deep hurt, but i have a capacity to hurt others that exceeds that, and i do not like that about me. i’ve made new friends but lost old ones.  i have had to redefine some friendships and redefine how i see myself. i have reconnected with some and disconnected with others. i have seen people change and i have changed. ‘life is like a great wave,’ a one legged surfer’s ex once said to me, ‘try to control the wave and it will crush you, all you can do is read it and ride it’. i have grown and i have shrunk, and growing is the more painful and difficult. i have lost and i have found, and sadly i have learned more from what i have lost, although i am learning right now that if my neighbour does not turn his music down, i am going to find my cricket bat and he is going to lose some teeth.

10 responses

  1. Man I think you just described most of the human population. Only most probably don’t sit back to think about their own contradictions. Anyway, I can only provide one little nugget here. Use a baseball bat. Smaller surface area at contact, so much greater damage inflicted.

    13.08.10 at 21.42

    • what is baseball? is that the game we call rounders? like cricket but not as dangerous or as skillful and with four corners? the one little girls play here? oh, ok then – thanks 🙂

      13.08.10 at 21.54

      • Ha! I’ll make you a deal. Come to Toronto some time and I will treat you to a game of baseball watching from the bleachers where da bums sit. We will drink beer and heckle the rightfielder, and we will sit in the sun as the oldtimer next to us recounts us his days back at Jarry Park and the one time he went to Fenway Park and the way his did told him stories about the Babe. And we’ll get in a bit of a tussle with the college kids who drank before they showed up, but we’ll be best of friends by the end of it. And the score will be close, and the Blue Jays closer will need to come in during the eighth, escaping scot free; but the ninth is a different measure, with the tying run at the plate… The greatest game ever invented, my man. Bar none. Slow and ponderous at times, fast and daring at others, and no clock to watch. Legends and heroes at every turn, 100-year-old ballparks where you can smell the beer and the sweat in the seats, and traditions you would never believe, this game is ingrained in us. And yeah, my little girl plays it too. Wouldn’t have it any other way.

        13.08.10 at 22.02

        • sounds great mate – see you there

          13.08.11 at 05.43

  2. Thanks for sharing this Kyle. Sounds like you’re expanding and contracting. Hopefully what you’ve learned in the process helps you to move forward, be loving and to be open to change.

    13.08.10 at 21.21

    • if only i were that grown up huh?

      13.08.10 at 21.24

  3. You are a strong soul my kyle.

    13.08.10 at 19.02

    • strong, weak, i think its all the same in the end

      13.08.10 at 19.03

      • It is and you are right. Our strengths the same as our very weaknesses… But you are you and that is all that matters.

        13.08.10 at 19.11

        • thank you honey

          13.08.10 at 19.15

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