blogging

show us ya tits!

i have to say just how lovely it is to have received so many messages asking me to return to blogging. i am deeply flattered.  i truly don’t believe that i am anywhere near as good at writing as some of you make out, but thank you nonetheless. reading your messages made a huge difference to my sense of self worth and my faith in my own skills. thank you all so much (you know who you are).

i was as perplexed as i was delighted to read that people think that i am deep, and as a reflection of such imagined depths, can i say this? send me a photo of your tits and i’ll start posting again.

 

love you all (hehe)


Eurotrash douche hipster

I got my first piece of hate mail, and I have to say I was as delighted as I was proud. Bravely commenting as an anonymous user on my recent poem about breasts, this brilliant fellow called me a Eurotrash, douche hipster who looks like a sloppy version of DeNiro’s character in Taxi Driver. I almost peed myself  with delight. I am seriously considering using this quote on my about page. I tried to track him down, so I could thank him properly, but his IP address only led me to Baltimore. I have a few pals there, but I know it can’t be any of them, as they can all actually write.  Really, I would recommend reading the whole comment, it is hilarious and there is a wonderful line about me writing horrible poetry about sex to make up for my lack of a life. Feel free to reply to his lovely comment, and, if you are reading Mr Anonymous, please come back and say more, I think you are fantastic and I would love to give you a guest spot.


In the news

so, the bbc have gone kind of mental today – there are riots in egypt and brazil, an earthquake in china, and barcelona are changing their manager, but there was only one item of news on the radio and tv today: woman has baby. 385,000 women give birth every day, so how is it news? she was of a normal child bearing age and was pregnant for around nine months. the child was a boy and that was not know before today but that’s still not news, only if it had been neither boy or girl would it have constituted news. this has been rolling, non-stop news since i woke up. the sun newspaper even changed its name today to “the son”. fucksake! the bbc has a “live royal baby coverage” page, with amazing facts like how the grandparents are happy about the birth. really? are they really? i would never have guessed that. thank you bbc.

fucksake!


happy something

To all of you here,
I wish a happy new year.
Have a cold glass of beer
With those you hold dear,
And please let me hear
If your life is severe,
For you are my peer,
And i want you so near.
Please go spread some cheer
With your loved ones, so dear,
And spend your next year
Without any fear.
One thing that is clear
Is that there are
Too many words
That rhyme with year.
I’ll quit while i’m ahead
And wish you all
A bloody good one!


Video games really are dangerous

People say that video games are dangerous, that they are too violent and that they corrupt our youth, who then imitate the behaviour they display in games. Now, to a degree, this is true; as a youngster, I spent a lot of time playing PacMan and think it no coincidence that my hobbies seemed to involve running around a great deal and swallowing large amounts of pills and magic fruit. However, this is not the only damage that playing video games can inflict on our fragile psyches, and certainly not the most serious, as I have recently discovered.

After a recent, 73 hour session on GTA (San Andreas, in case you’re wondering) I wandered out, in need of vodka and marijuana and completely forgot that, here in the UK, we drive on the left.  I looked the wrong way when crossing the road, and was clobbered by a number 476 bus. Fortunately, I had a cheat code activated and was able to light up the entire bus with an infeasibly large mini-gun.

I have only been able to avoid the subsequent, and comprehensive, police enquiry by laying low and then switching myself off and then on again. Nevertheless, I have returned, high-score intact and an erection for each and every one of you. Be warned, as always, all comments and likes will only inflame my passion for jerking off to your gravatar pics.

Thank you for tuning back in.


The booker award

I was recently nominated for The Booker Award by the delightful Maureen, author at Magnolia Beginnings, and although I never accept blogger award nominations – my ego being already over-inflated – this one had me thinking about all the wonderful books I have read over the years.

Here is a list of my top, all-time five:

  1. Catch 22 by Joseph Heller
  2. The Dangerous and Painful Masturbation Magic Pop-Up Book by Paul Bollokov
  3. Gormenghast (trilogy) by Mervyn Peake
  4. The Mechanism of Mind by Edward de Bono
  5. Narziss and Goldmund by Hermann Hesse
  6. 101 Recipes for Kittens by B B Q Feline
  7. Fermat’a Last Theorem by Simon Singh
  8. Catcher in the Rye J D Salinger
  9. Mark Twain by Huckleberry Finn
  10. Trainspotting by Irvin Welsh
  11. How to lose Friends and Irritate people byDale Carnage
  12. The Fractal Geometry of Nature by Benoit B Mandelbrot
  13. The Yoga Guide to Self-Felation by Ike A N Bendova
  14. Watchmen by Alan Moore
  15. How to Count to Five by Arthur Unknown

I’ve not followed Maureen for long but her blog is a must-follow and full of sweet, smart, well written observations and musings, and her avatar picture makes for fantastic masturbation material. Thank you Maureen.


The seven deadly things

I said long ago, that I would no longer be accepting blogger awards, and it wasn’t because I thought that they were a pointless (but very imaginative and caring) form of chain letter, but because  being nominated gives me such an almighty erection that,  I would fear for my mortal safety, were I to be nominated more than once in quick succession. It is only thanks to the swift action, and early arrival, of my cleaning lady, Mrs Go’onanonanonagan (87 but with the tits of an 85 year old), that I was not later discovered drowned in a pool of my own semen, after having received three such awards within the space of a single afternoon.

As I lay here in my hospital bed, recovering from an ego overdose, I think it only fair that I respond to Rhonda from Help Me Rhonda (The Seven Things About Me Award), Maureen from Magnolia Beginnings (The Five Best Books Ever Award) and Mad Gay Man from Diary of a Mad Gay Man (Bitches Love Awards Award), for their flattering and honouring nominations.

As per my doctor’s orders, I will respond to each nomination with a post of its own and start with Rhonda’a ‘Seven Things About Me Award’.

The rules of this award require me to first thank the nominee, then to reveal seven embarrassing facts about myself and finally to nominate 463 other bloggers.

Thank you Rhonda:

Rhonda’s blog, Help Me Rhonda, is a witty, sweet and charming, daily dose of life-affirming wisdom and side-splitting humour, beautifully taken photographs and cleverly observed anecdotes. If you have not yet discovered her, then do so now, or I will have you cruelly murdered.

Seven things:

  1. I could read by the age of three. I kinda taught myself but was encouraged and helped by my family, who seemed to think I was possibly some kind of prodigy. Sadly it was my only trick, I simply had to learn “how to do words”, and after that I was, academically, something of a disappointment.
  2. I know 30 different ways to kiss – 31, if you include ‘on the mouth.’
  3. I think its wrong to use poetry or art to get into a woman’s head. It’s much better to use them to get into a woman’s pants.
  4. I  once was a cartoonist, for a chain of pot-selling coffee shops in the Netherlands. I used to get paid in pot and only got the job because the previous incumbent had been tied to his push-bike, by the Dutch Mafia , and thrown into a canal. A very Dutch way to die, their bikes are very heavy.
  5. I had a girlfriend who ran off with my best friend, and I still miss him.
  6. I have a notepad and pen in every room in the house. It’s because I never know when I will have an idea. I even have a notepad in the lavatory. Once, after taking a large amount of magic mushrooms, I discovered the secret to life there and, obviously, wrote it down. The following morning, upon realising  that I had run out of toilet paper, I had to use it to wipe my arse. Well? What would you have done?
  7. I have no idea what the pre-wash function on my washing machine is for.

Nominations:

Normally I claim to be unable to nominate anyone because I never bother reading any of the shite you all write. This is not actually true. I do, I avidly, read every word of all your blogs. The reason I can’t nominate anyone is because I am simply too lazy and way too busy masturbating over your gravatar images.


Soul Destruction

I don’t normally do book reviews but ‘In Her Own Words’ (part of the ‘Soul Destruction’ series) by Ruth Jacobs is such a moving and honest account of the sex industry that I simply had to give it a shout out.

Ruth studied prostitution in the late 1990s, which sparked her interest in the subject. Her novels dispel the ‘happy hooker’ myth and expose the dark world and the harsh reality of life as a call girl. She draws on her research and the women she interviewed for inspiration. She also has first-hand experience of some of the topics she writes about, such as post traumatic stress disorder and drug and alcohol addiction.)

Ruth explains what her work is about far better than I could:

In Her Own Words… Interview with a London Call Girl is the unedited transcript from an interview I undertook with a London call girl in the late 1990s. It is an enlightening and moving, first-hand account of a woman’s life affected by prostitution, exposing the emotional, psychological and social effects of living that existence. All royalties from this publication are being donated to Beyond the Streets, a charity helping women exit prostitution.

This charity publication and the cause is very close to my heart, partly because the woman I
interviewed was a very dear friend, a wonderful person, and who had a terribly sad life, with
childhood sexual abuse and then being pimped on the streets from the age of fifteen. As
she is no longer alive, this is the reason I wanted the royalties to be donated to Beyond the
Streets.

The stigma a significant section of society has against prostitutes and prostitution is mainly
due to lack of knowledge. 75% of prostitutes have been sexually and physically abused as
children, 70% have experienced multiple rapes, and 67% meet the criteria for posttraumatic
stress disorder, which is a major cause of suicide.

With this publication, I hope to show the reality of life for women working in prostitution,
the effects it has on them psychologically, emotionally, in relationships with men, how they
are viewed and how they feel they are viewed by society as outsiders and outcasts, often
judged and looked down on. Seeing them as real people, with real feelings, and acquiring
an insight into their tormented childhoods and painful present lives, allows people who are
not in that life to gain an informed perception of who these women really are, and with that
knowledge, are less likely to judge but instead develop compassion.

Extract from “In Her Own Words… Interview with a London Call Girl”

From a young age, from like being fifteen, I’ve been hardened to it. The first…when I first
started doing it, I cried my eyes out every day and just scrubbed myself in bleach and…I felt
like I’d been raped. It was just…it really screwed my mind up. And there’s this feeling when
you get…when you’re with a client and it’s like sometimes when you feel like…you grab your
fists and it’s like, “Get off me! Get off me!” And it’s like…you know you can’t push them off
you, right? Because you know you’re getting paid for it. So it’s basically allowing yourself to.
be raped, right? But you can’t even fight them back or say, “Get off me.” It’s like…and you

cry while it’s happening and all this shit, and you go home and you cry yourself to sleep after
all that shit, and it happens to you a lot of times until eventually that feeling goes away,
and that feeling…you don’t get that feeling anymore. It gets less and less and less. And you
become hardened in your like…your heart and your soul to it, and this is when you get the
hatred for the men.

To download your copy of In Her Own Words… Interview with a London Call Girl for 77p
visit this Amazon page in the UK or this one in the US for $1.20

To find out more about Ruth Jacobs and her Soul Destruction series of novels visit
www.soul-destruction.com


Some award or other

thank you audrina of audrina1759’s blog and Maarit-Johanna of history of the ancient world for nominating me for some award or other. normally i don’t do the award thing but i’m so flattered to be nominated by these women, as their blogs are just wonderful, that i will make an exception.

the rules are as follows:

  • tell seven things about yourself
  • nominate 487 other bloggers
  • that’s it, i think

seven things about me:

  1. i haven’t had sex since february
  2. i haven’t had coffee since 9:30
  3. i fantasise about posting pictures of my dick on this blog but have never had the guts
  4. i know how to measure the speed of light with a microwave and some proccessed cheese
  5. i am going to masturbate to the gravatar pictures of anyone who likes or comments on this post – you have been warned
  6. minds turn me on more than bodies
  7. i sneezed so hard this morning that my glasses flew off and landed in the toilet bowl
  8. an ex once super-glued my hand to my cock in my sleep
  9. i have only recently learned that women get sexier and more beautiful as they get older
  10. i can’t count to seven
  11. three of these things are not true (but this might be one of them)

nominations:
i’m afraid i can’t nominate anyone as i never actually read any of the shite you guys write.

from now on i will only be accepting nominations for awards if they come accompanied by pictures of the nominee’s bare breasts or cum drenched pricks – ideally both.

thank you again to audrina1759 and Maarit-Johanna for nominating me, and if you do not already follow these girls, do so now, or i will have you killed.


You lot are disgusting: poll results

and i love you for it!

Thank you to everyone who voted in my little poll the other day. The most voted for topic with 18% was BDSM. Second at a close 15% was MMF threesome. Now, seeing as the wonderful Rois suggested I write a BDSM MMF story the other day, I thought I’d combine the two and write something that 33% of you asked for.

I am currently without my laptop and am working on a computer that is bigger and older and louder than me. Nevertheless, my next post will be the one most people asked for.