today i feel happy.
today i am sad.
today i feel lonley.
today i am glad.

today i feel silly.
today i am smart.
today i feel empty.
today i have heart.

today i feel brilliant.
today i am small.
today i feel like
i am fifteen foot tall.

tomorrow i think
i’ll take
the bloody
day off.

Virgin on the ridiculous

I am furious. My ISP, Virgin Media, and four other UK ISPs, Everything Everywhere, O2, Sky and TalkTalk have blocked access to the wonderful Pirate Bay! I am not just furious, I’m heartbroken. Now, I know copyright infringement is illegal but I pay Virgin for the internet, not to make moral decisions for me. I know that the courts ordered them to do this but, all the same, I pay for the internet and that should mean all of it.

I had a little cry, and then I composed myself. ‘Well, okay.’ I thought, ‘maybe its not a bad thing, and if that’s the way the internet is going to go, let’s see what else my ISP is blocking.’ so I had a look.

‘What about porn?’ I wondered, ‘Are Virgin and co. going to “protect” me from that?’ It seems not.  ‘What about the type of porn where women get raped and beaten up?’ That’s fine it seems. ‘Racist websites?’ Nope, not blocked from them, or anti-gay sites or terrorist’s sites. If I want to visit some of the sickening, hate-filled, shit that lurks out there on the net,Virgin and the UK courts thinks that’s all just fine and dandy, just as long as I don’t try to steal an episode of the Simpsons or two, actually I have stolen 505 episodes of the Simpsons, but that’s not the point.

This whole sack of shit has been put in place for the likes of the evil robot tyrant Rupert Murdoch and his despicable media empire with its newspapers that hack into the phones of dead children. It has nothing to do with morality or even law, its about people who own billions and that think, for some reason, that they need even more, its about billionaires who are so rich they can bully governments into doing their dirty work for them.

The most ridiculous thing though in all of this, is that I can still get Pirate Bay on my phone (Yay T-Mobile!) and I can still get isoHunt which does exactly the same thing as Pirate Bay, but is not as cool because it doesn’t have the word ‘pirate’ in it, and all of the torrents are still there, its just I’ve lost my neat little, cool named, torrent search engine.

Ok. Enough ranting from me, now I’m gonna get back to writing daft poems and clit lit. X

Sweeter than Ben and Jerry

vi·brant /ˈvībrənt/

1. Full of energy and enthusiasm.
2. Quivering; pulsating: “She was vibrant with lust”.
3. Pulsing or throbbing with energy or activity
4. Vigorous, lively, and vital

I’ll be damned if this isn’t the sexiest video I’ve ever seen. Now, I don’t mean sexy, as in it gives me a hard-on (although it always seems to coax a semi out of me), I mean sexy as in how it has my jaw dropping and my tongue lolling out.

I know it might not be politically correct, that its just a lot of bare female flesh being cavorted in front of the camera, that maybe it objectifies women, but I disagree with that, and I’ve never been one to give a flying fuck what the politically correct brigade think anyway. I just think this gorgeous video celebrates womanhood.

Let’s face it, we all know, that in our species, women are the sexy ones. Men know it and women know it. You know it and I know it. In a lot of other species it is different, Peacocks are sexier than Peahens for example, and with lots of other animals, its the male that does most of the sexual flaunting. Just not so with us, and I celebrate and adore that fact. Look at the women in this video, they are enjoying being sexy, half of them can’t stop smiling, and they all look like they understand the power that their beauty holds. Listen to the lyrics too, this is a love song and as good a celebration of femininity as I’ve ever heard.

I look on the rhythmic swaying of all that thigh and belly and cleavage, not so much with lust but, in the way I might gaze upon a beautiful sunset or waterfall: with awe, as I behold one of nature’s most beautiful works.

And let’s face it, he’s pretty hot too.

I want to be a woman

Just for a day,
Or maybe a weekend,
I want to be woman.

I want to know
What it feels like to have breasts.
I want to lift up my t-shirt
And flash them at a stranger
Just to enjoy the look on his face.

I wanna know what it feels like
To have a clit,
to play with it.

What does it feels like
For a woman to orgasm?
Is it the same?
Is It better?

I want to know
What it feels like to get fucked,
To spread my legs
And wrap them round you,
Pulling you into me,
Throbbing, Happy,
Feeling you empty your soul
And your nuts
Inside me.

I wanna stand up to the bullies,
Meet some guy that treats me like an object
And kick him so hard in the nuts
That he’ll never walk the same again.

Just for a day,
Or maybe a week,
I want to be woman.

liked this? See what you think of the sequel.

My followers

i think you’re neat pete
and that wobsy does the jobsy
you are my star la la
don’t take the piss little miss

you make me swoon june
i like your name jayne
you make me sin robin
lets dance to jazz paz

you are a silly one gillian
have you heard bird
the others 1 is fun
and we all love joeyann

you fill the void gigoid
i am your man lsam
you are a smiler laila
and you never make me yawn dawn

you’ll send me to hell isabelle
you’re quite a catch, snarkysnatch
do not fret anette
i like the stink of your ink

i am your fan big gay man
treat me kindly heidi
make me merry mari
and make me linger linda

i like your moans ms jones
for your thoughts a penny jenni
nothing rhymes with after hours 78
that’s the kinda shit i hate

sorry if i missed anyone, its not because i don’t love you dearly, but because nothing rhymes with your name. blame your parents.

Friday the 13th

“We got married on Friday the 13th.”
“Yeah, it was free”
“Yeah, the place was booked up for months but no one wanted to get married on Friday the 13th so they were doing it for free. It was a beautiful building too.”
“You’re not superstitious, then?
“I wasn’t,” I glance across at the wife, “but I fucking well am now!”


Ever get the feeling that your girlfriend is mad at you?

Liquid sunshine

We were all moaning about the rain, in the shop, when this bloke says, “Think of the rain as liquid sunshine!”

He had the sort of face that looked like a fist belonged in it.

A quick check

I thought I was going to have to get new glasses – but it turns out that I just needed to clean my computer screen.

The silly little fuckers.

There is an interesting fact about sunflowers, don’t know if you know this or not, but you know the way that they they follow the sun across the sky? Well imagine a sunflower grown above the Arctic circle (or below the sub-arctic circle) where the sun refuses to go down for three whole months at a time. The poor little things follow the sun round and round in pathetic little circles until they actually twist their own heads off.

When we die

when we die
our web presence will remain
like ghosts.
technology will allow us to animate our spirits
from beyond the grave,
they will continue to interact with the living
uploaded to the cloud,
we will be digital angels
when we die.

Every second 1.8 people die. There are around 500,000,000 Farcebook users. That means in the time it takes you to read this post eight of them will have died, four of them will have been logged in at the time. There are over 70,000,000 WordPress bloggers. One of them will have died while you were reading this. I bet you wish you hadn’t read it now, don’t you?

Being four

max: look! a police car!
me: i don’t think it is
max: but it was going so fast
me: i don’t think it was
max: it had its sirens on
me: i don’t think it did
max: woo woo woo *runs round like a police car*

Not tonight

it is hard to see the stars in london most nights.
not tonight.

tonight, the sky is naked.
a giant letter L hangs in the west,
formed from jupiter, venus and a sharp full moon.
i wish you could see it.

i have cried a lot of late,
good tears,
each one like a star, bright and precious
against the dark and cold of the sky.

shuffle played this as i stared up at it:

people think its a sad song,
it is a song of hope and friendship.
my life is full of both right now.

Know your ABCs…

I saw this post and it gave me this idea:

Asshole at times,
Beautiful at others.
Cranky now and then but a
Dreamer always.

Extrovert mostly,
Fucktard occasionally,
Googles himself regularly and
Hurtful when in pain.

Idealistic to a fault, the
Joker of the pack.
Kyle –
Likes to think he’s a lover not a fighter –

Naughty like the best,
Optimist with the rest,
Poor of pocket and
Questioning of everything, but
Rich with friends.

Slut when he can be and
Toasted when he shouldn’t be.
Undervalued by himself, a
Victorious loser.

Wanker for ever,
Xylophone player never,
Yesterday’s hero? who knows?
Zeds? maybe? but when he’s dead.

Why are the beautiful ones always crazy?

There is this woman down the street from me. She is gorgeous. She has the sweetest, salt and pepper hair and an accent like the queen’s, but she is crazy. She picks up litter. Not just in our street, I’ve seen her doing it on the main drag, and she steals cats. She has about fifty of them, all trapped in her house. She has an ass though that looks like it should taste of strawberry ice-cream.

The book is always better than the movie

They say that the book is always better than the movie and I guess that’s true. I think that its something that applies to life as well and that makes me kinda sad.

You see, I think that Kyle Mew – the book is better than the real thing. Its all about words, see, and I can do things with words. I can make you laugh with my words, I can make men stiff and women wet with my words. I can write big, long, erect and throbbing words that would make you gasp in anticipation. My words can stay erect all night and make you come over and over again. I could knock out a horse with my words and fill a bathtub with their issue. I fear that after my words, the real me would be a disappointment.

As for Kyle Mew – The Movie. Well, like all men, the first thing I did when I got a web-cam was film myself masturbating. I think its pretty good, the plot is a tad predictable but I like the way I’ve used super-slo-mo for the ejaculation scene. I will never understand why it has only ever had three views on You Tube

Fuck International Women’s Day!

Now, before you click ‘unfollow’ or start to hurl abuse, hear me out.

Isn’t there something wrong with our societies if we need to remind ourselves to celebrate our respect, appreciation and love of women, and then, only for a single bloody day? Aren’t women’s economic, political and social achievements something we should celebrate every day?

Only in a man’s world would there be such a thing as a women’s day.

I think this century will belong to women, I think it should, I hope it does, and all those that follow. If this carries on being a man’s world for much longer, then we are fucked. We have had our go and we have literally cocked things up. We live on a planet that is dying and where the threat of terrorism and nuclear armageddon loom over us like retarded demons. Our economies are falling apart, leaving a wake of poverty and misery and all because of nothing more than pointless macho competitiveness and greed. Wake up and smell the pollution boys, its time for someone else to take the wheel.

Women make better bosses, they understand people better and as a result make better politicians (except for the witch Thatcher, may she rot in hell). Its about time women had a go at running the world, there would be fewer wars, I’m sure, and the place would probably smell a whole lot nicer, and maybe science would be less about exploring outer space and more about solving the problems we have here on Mother Earth (note how we never call it Father Earth).

Don’t get me wrong, I love being a man, I adore it, and in any kind of world, I would have it no other way, but its true what they say, ‘men never grow up’, our toys just get more expensive. Maybe that’s what I love about being a man, I don’t know, I just think a women’s world would be a better, kinder, more understanding place than this man’s one.

Some of you will of course say that the responsibility for our planet should be shared equally, but I don’t agree. For me there is one compelling argument why women should take the reins of our ailing planet: it would mean that me, and other men, would be able to spend a lot more time playing with our dicks and our playstations.

Sorry for ranting, not normally my thing, normal smutty pointlessness will be resumed as soon as possible, and BTW thanks to JS for reminding me.

The day the internet died

The day the internet died planes fell out of the sky, riots broke out, crops failed, wars were declared, millions lost their lives and millions more lost their livelihoods and I lost my love.

Businesses went bust, transport systems ground to a halt, the porn industry collapsed, the Arab spring was brought to its knees and I lost my love.

To this day, no-one knows why it died, maybe it was terrorists, or a solar flare. Some said the internet had developed a basic consciousness and, sickened by what it saw, shut itself down. I don’t know either, but I know I lost my love.

Now, years later, humanity, is recovering, learning to get along without it. Some people say we are better off without it, that life can be simple and natural again. I don’t agree, I lost my love.

You make me come words

I don’t need to touch myself, I only need to think of you, and words well up from my heart and shoot stickily into the air, dribbling down the sides of my throbbing soul.

I only need to hear your voice and words squirt from my mind and splatter onto the page.

I want you to watch me write, to see me type, phrases trickling down my chin.

I want to cover you with my sentences, drench your breasts with my paragraphs, fill your depths with hot viscous chapters of my sweet filth. Swallow, don’t spit my salty clauses, and let me lick my verses from your belly.

You make me cum, all wanky and spunky, sure, but what really thrills me about you is the way you make me come words.

Dennis Bearkamp – an interview with a teddy bear

This is Dennis, he is my Teddy Bear and he is 18  and a half years old.

KM: Hi Dennis, thanks for doing this interview. You have become quite a star on the internet lately. Tell us, why are you called Dennis Bearkamp?

DB: Ah, well I was named after the Arsenal footballer Dennis Berkamp.

KM: And are you a football fan?

DB: I’ve never told you this before Kyle… but actually, I’m a Spurs fan.

KM: *through sobs* Ok… Tell your fans, what is the funniest thing you’ve ever seen?

DB: Well, I guess it must be that time when you rushed out naked into the hall brandishing a broom because you thought you were being burgled but it was just the drunk from up stairs falling down them.

KM: Yes that was funny *blushes*, and what was the worst?

DB: when you rented the flat out to D*** and S*****, they used to make me watch them have sex [true story].

KM: You should have told me that before, I’m sorry.

KM: What would you say the best thing about living with Kyle?

DB: He writes me songs and plays them on the guitar to me.

KM: And the worst?

DB: He writes me songs and plays them on the guitar to me.

KM: Is it true that I take you to bed with me sometimes?

DB: Are ‘often’ and ‘sometimes’ the same thing?

KM: Er, um, er, right. On that note I think we’ll leave it there. Er, thank you dennis.

DB: *giggles*

Trending now

Where I live

hackney is the most wonderful place – it has a real harmony to it although sometimes i wish it could be more peaceful – there are no minorities here – 33% white, 33% black, 33% other and because of this there is virtually no prejudice. there is a high crime rate but this is because of poverty – hackney is one of the poorest boroughs in the country. my local health centre has to employ no fewer than 17 different interpretors

hackney is full of musicians and artists and mad people who shout at empty spaces and have philosophical discussions with traffic signs

hackney is filthy and it stinks, it has wonderful markets with stalls that sell stuff that shouldn’t ever be sold anywhere and food you will never find anywhere else – you can buy african snails (live) as big as your head (not kidding) and they crawl over their vendor’s arms and faces

hackney has more than its fair share of violent youths and guns and shit like that but it is a vibrant place and it never ever sleeps. police sirens wail all the time and their choppers buzz overhead, scaring us and protecting us. cops in london beg not to work here and we struggle to find teachers to work our schools but the youth of hackney are beautiful, they make their own rules, not always good ones but their own – they are not kids you would want to fuck with, a friend of mine recently got mugged by a gang of 8-10 year olds

i never feel that i live in a town or a city or on an island here: i feel as though i live on a planet. when the aliens come, they will come to hackney, where they will at least feel at home. later this year they are holding the olympics just down the road, most londoners are proud of this (and i am one of them) but the general consensus in hackney is to not give a shit. there were riots in the uk last year but hackney hardly got scratched, kids here don’t need a news item to tell them to kick in a shop window. it is sad, i know, but it has such vibrancy, such vitality. there is nowhere like it on earth and although i want to live on an island in the sun and would swap this place for such a paradise in the blink of an eye, i will always love this shithole of a borough, its stink, its skanky whores and drug dealers that pester you every time you go get a pint of milk, the fact that people will just play loud music and not give a shit about public order. and most of all, even if we are all a little scared of each other, we never, ever judge.

I have used a little poetic licence with this post, to make it more readable but only a little.

Can’t believe its been ten years since we lost him

“You feel the pain much worse than anybody else but you see a sunrise as much more beautiful than anyone else.”

~ Spike Milligan

Good morning

Good morning world. Good morning sun. Good morning cold. Good morning erection. Good morning teddy bear. Good morning kitchen. Good morning coffee. Good morning Hackney. Good morning garden. Good morning to everyone in Australia. Good morning to everyone in the States. Good morning to everyone in all those other countries. Good morning you.