so, i’m trying to think of ways of getting her into some kinky stuff and ask her if she can think of anything we could do to spice up our sex life a little. she says that she’d like to have sex in every room in the house. now, i was hoping for whips and chains and stuff or at least handcuffs, but its a good start and if she wants to have sex in every room in the house, that’s fine with me. turns out that what she means is that she wants to have sex with all the other guys i live with.
- the women’s fa cup final
- kerry katona drunk on this morning
- the russian grannies on eurovision
- the news
- the weather
- photos of my ex on vacation with her new guy
- the queen’s speech (any year)
- the jeremy kyle show
- pride and prejudice (the novel, not the movie)
- sarah palin
So, I’m chatting, on Facebook, to this girl right, from like Germany or Russia or one of those countries, and she’s really cool you know, like funny and clever and proper dirty too. Anyway, I have quick look through her photos and find a hot one, with a lot of cleavage, and put it on my phone. Now, she’s forty-something, but she looks bloody good for her age.
In the morning, I wake up with a stiffie you could like choke a horse with, so I bring up her pic and have a good old five knuckle shuffle, a nice long one too, you know, stopping and starting, so as to make it last. I make a hellova mess, but fuck it, that’s what showers and cleaners are for, right?
Later, I tell her about it, and she’s like acting all embarrassed, but you can tell she’s as chuffed as fuck really. “Which picture?” she asks and I tell her.
Turns out I was whacking off to a picture of her daughter.
So, I’m having this hot sext with some girl from Canada or Australia or one of those countries and we’re both getting pretty close to coming when there’s a bleep and another chat box pops up. Its a friend of mine and she’s saying how her cat just died. Now, she can see that I’ve seen her message so I can’t really leave it until I’ve finished getting off and “Hang on, I’m wanking.” doesn’t feel like an appropriate response, so I try to console her and keep both the conversations going at once. It’s very confusing emotionally, like having someone cry on you shoulder whilst someone else sucks your dick. Anyway, I pretty much pull it off, until I type into the wrong boxes – the conversations ended like this:
Girl 10 hours ago
ooh god i’m about to come!!!
Me 10 hours ago
i’m so sorry to hear that, at least it was quick
Girl 10 hours ago
Friend 10 hours ago
She was hit by a truck.
Me 10 hours ago
oh fuck yes!!!
Friend 10 hours ago
so, i’m chatting to this girl on facebook one time, and she wants to skype. so i’m all like, ‘yeah’ and she’s all like, how she wants to see my cock and everything. so i’m like, ‘fuck yeah!’ i mean, i love it when a girl wants to get a glance at my lance. so i go trim up a bit, you know, shave round the base of it to make it look bigger and that, oil it up a bit too, to make it like glisten.
so, i’m like there in front of the laptop, stark bollock naked, with an erection you could hammer nails with, when she calls. now, i’ve got the camera like aimed at my face to start with, i mean you gotta have a little class when it comes to these things, haven’t you? and anyway, i wanna hear her ask.
so, we like chat for a few minutes and then she’s like ‘come on then, show me your cock.’ so i lower the camera, slowly, to make it more romantic and that, and give her an eyeful of my tower. she’s like all quiet, and i’m guessing she’s just dumbstruck at how magnificent it is and everything, and i’m like, ‘you wanna see me play with it?’ and she’s like
‘oh no. put it away. i just wanted to check that you had one. i was begining to wonder.’
so, its about a six months back, and i’m talking dirty, on facebook, to this woman in south africa, or one of those countries, and its just text, but she is awesome at that shit, and we’re both about to blow our beans when there’s this pause. now, i’m thinking, ‘ok, so she’s popped already’, and i sit back and wait for all the gory details, keeping myself on the verge of the old vinegar strokes, when she types,
“fuck off and die you sick pervert bastard!” now, i’m a little surprised, because this is not her usual modus operandi, but i’m flexible and can work with pretty much any material. so, i’m about to type back,
“go on… tell me more?” when i realise – silly cow has left her laptop open and this is her hubby, whose rumbled what she’s up to. so, i types back “hello stan, nice to meet you mate. how are you? your missus is a right dirty bitch ain’t she? you lucky fucker, you!” almost instantly he’s back at me with this wonderful stream-of-consciousness, ‘rot in hell motherfucker’ stuff and its awesome. i wish i’d kept it. i’m like pissing myself here and i type back,
“wow that’s hot stan, you’re getting me proper fucking stiff. tell me, what are you wearing right now?” and he’s all like,
“i’m gonna hunt you down you piece of shit and cut off your cock and feed it to you.” now, i’m nearly wetting myself at this point and tears are streaming down my cheeks, i’m laughing that hard.
“damn stan,” i type, “you just made me come! you’re better at this shit than your missus!” at this point he unfriends me and blocks me and it all ends there, but it was as funny as fuck, i tell ya.