I was recently nominated for The Booker Award by the delightful Maureen, author at Magnolia Beginnings, and although I never accept blogger award nominations – my ego being already over-inflated – this one had me thinking about all the wonderful books I have read over the years.
Here is a list of my top, all-time five:
- Catch 22 by Joseph Heller
- The Dangerous and Painful Masturbation Magic Pop-Up Book by Paul Bollokov
- Gormenghast (trilogy) by Mervyn Peake
- The Mechanism of Mind by Edward de Bono
- Narziss and Goldmund by Hermann Hesse
- 101 Recipes for Kittens by B B Q Feline
- Fermat’a Last Theorem by Simon Singh
- Catcher in the Rye J D Salinger
- Mark Twain by Huckleberry Finn
- Trainspotting by Irvin Welsh
- How to lose Friends and Irritate people byDale Carnage
- The Fractal Geometry of Nature by Benoit B Mandelbrot
- The Yoga Guide to Self-Felation by Ike A N Bendova
- Watchmen by Alan Moore
- How to Count to Five by Arthur Unknown
I’ve not followed Maureen for long but her blog is a must-follow and full of sweet, smart, well written observations and musings, and her avatar picture makes for fantastic masturbation material. Thank you Maureen.
I am honoured and delighted to have nominated myself for ‘The Total Dick Award’
The rules are simple:
- Thank the nominee and tell them why you think they deserve The Total Dick Award.
- Share ten things about yourself that demonstrate what a Total Dick you are.
- Nominate other Total Dicks.
Thank you Kyle:
You deserve this award as much as I do, and I could never have done it without you. It is your ridiculously over-inflated ego, that has, so justifiably, earned you this award. The way that, when you make love to a beautiful woman, you close your eyes and imagine you are masturbating, the way you award yourself awards, it all adds up to make you the perfect recipient of The Total Dick Award. Congratulations!
- I get a semi every time I get a new follower. Once I got four new followers in five minutes and almost came.
- I once had sext with two women at once, without either of them knowing about the other. I’d given them both the same nicknames so I could cut and paste a lot of what I wrote. We all came at the same time and it was pretty cool, but its not something I guess I should be proud of.
- When I was in the army, I went out with this barmaid called Pamela. She had one leg longer than the other (although it might have been that one leg was shorter, I can’t remember). It didn’t bother me one bit, but all my mates laughed and took the piss and I finished with her because I was too weak to take the peer pressure – I feel bad about that, to this day.
- I was an internet sex slave. For two weeks. To this incredible woman from Florida or Virginia or one of those states. She had me write her sado-masochistic tales like this one and this one and one about castration that was too frightful to ever publish. She also had me take photo’s of me doing painful and humiliating things to myself. It was all a lot of fun but two weeks in I got bored, met someone nice and decided to end it.
- I’m not actually ashamed of that last one. I am, however, ashamed that I am not ashamed of it.
- I once wrote some erotica for a fellow blogger to post on her blog as her own, and she repaid me by sending me some really naughty pictures of herself. Not ashamed of that one either, if I’m honest.
- I once sucked someone’s cock for a gram of coke.
- I volunteer at a homeless shelter for one week a year. People say that its because I’m a nice guy but that’s bullshit. The fact is that there are three times as many female volunteers as there are male volunteers. I might enjoy volunteering and I might think it worthwhile, but I do it primarily to meet pussy.
- I once accepted money to pretend to be someone’s boyfriend.
- When I was about 17, I let this girl bully me. I didn’t have to, but she was hot and being beaten up by her turned me on.
- I am a terrible liar, and two of these things are not true.
I’m not going to nominate anyone for this award, I don’t think any of you deserve it. If anyone wants to nominate themselves though, I’d love to see that…
I don’t do the blogger award thing as a rule, I worry about the exponential growth inherent in such systems. Do the math; if every blogger given an award nominates seven other bloggers, and they each nominate seven more and so on, then within two weeks, every WordPress blogger on the planet will have received that award (there are over 72 million WordPress blogs). Within a month, we will have all been nominated over a 100 times.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love being nominated, I love having my ego stroked, (although I prefer to have it sucked,) and I get so flattered that I have to jack off every time I get a nomination, and that’s the problem, too many awards and my ego would just collapse under the weight of all that love and I would most likely be discovered dead by my cleaning lady, having drowned in my own semen. Not a pleasant clean up job for anybody, as I’m sure you can imagine.
However, today I am making an exception and not because I think I am worthy of the award but because of who has nominated me: the wonderful Gypsy, author of the outstanding Through my eyes: Adventures in Borderline land. Her blog truly is outstanding, unlike my trivial and masturbatory attempts at entertaining you, her blog is a powerful, poignant, heartfelt and heart-warming journal of her struggles and victories over Borderline Personality Disorder.
Gypsy nominated me for the “Outstanding Blogger Award”, the rules are as follows:
- Thank the nominee.
- Share something important about yourself.
- Nominate other bloggers.
Thank you Gypsy: your blog is just awesome. It is straightforward and honest and bursting with emotion and you have helped far more people than you realise by documenting your life so bravely. Thank you.
Thank you also for encouraging me to write this next bit. Its about something I’ve never written about before (well not publicly) and if it weren’t for you, I may never have.
Something important: I was an addict. For years, I threw a large chunk of my adult life down a big dark hole. I have never written about it before because I still carry a lot of shame for having wasted so much of a life who’s every second should be savoured and not squandered.
Addiction nearly killed me, it turned me into a liar and a thief and a cheat and a rascal. I lied and stole mostly to and from the people that loved me the most, well, who tried to love me anyway, its not easy to love someone when they hate themselves. In the end I drove everyone away with my snivelling self-pity and misdirected anger.
Every day I would wake and promise myself, ‘no more’ and every day, before noon, I would have failed. The failure sapped me dry Every day, month after month, year after year, failure after failure. I lost all faith in myself. My soul nearly disappeared, I nearly extinguished my own humanity. In the end there was just this tiny, flickering spark of it left, cowering deep inside me.
One day, I decided to face my demons head on. It was that or die. seriously. I tossed a coin: heads, I go seek help (again), tails, I end it all. You can guess how it landed, and I re-entered that mill of detox and rehab and therapy and those fucking rooms. Somehow it clicked, and is still clicking five years down the road. Maybe it was because I had driven everyone away and had to do it on my own. Maybe it was because I knew the alternative was to die, but actually I think it was because I discovered the true nature of my demons. They were not the fearsome devils of my nightmares. They were not powerful angry, ugly monsters. They were me, me when I was young, and hurt and sad, the neglected me and the scared me. They were little me and they hurt. They didn’t need battling, they needed loving and accepting.
I didn’t really change, and I’m still a complete shit-bag – just ask any woman I’ve ever dated – I just learned to accept me and enjoy being me, love me even. Life hasn’t really changed that much either, there is still as much sadness and pain as there ever was, but there is laughter and love too.
Nominate other bloggers: I’m not going to nominate anyone else for this award, and its not because I don’t want to, its just that I don’t know who to nominate, because I never actually bother to read any of the shit you all write.
Thanks again to Gypsy for the honour. Everyone please visit, like, comment and follow her wonderful blog, or I will have you brutally killed and your corpse fed to your pets in front of your children.
I don’t do the blog award thing any more. I did some maths and it turns out, with over seventy-two-million WordPress blogs, that if one blogger nominates seven other bloggers, and so on, then within three months, we will have all been nominated 715 times. There is something of the chain letter about this that I don’t like.
Now don’t get me wrong, I feel so very flattered, when someone nominates me for a blogger award. I love to have my ego stroked, although, if I’m honest, I prefer to have my ego sucked, and then licked clean while I watch you stroke your ego.
Now, I swear I will never do this again, but the wonderful Bird, of some site somewhere, nominated me for the “Some bloody Award or Whatever” award, and just because she is so awesome, I will respond… Ok the rules are, I have to say seven things about me and then nominate some other bloggers or some such shit. Ok…
Shit about me:
- You already know all there is to know about me.
- I write books on how to write apps for smartphones, but can’t operate my own.
- I really do masturbate over your gravatar pics (some I laminate, so I can reuse them).
- I don’t understand why WordPress thinks that “blog” and “bloggers” are spelling mistakes but “bloogers” isn’t.
- I don’t really know how to write – I just blag it – I failed my English O Level, I was high on mushrooms.
- I am crap. at; punctuation.
- There are a lot of great authors that I’ve never read.
- I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 19.
- I’ve been making up for it ever since.
- I don’t care for the number seven.
- I wanna make you laugh
- and cry
- and sing and dance
- and come
- over and over again.
I’m not gonna nominate anyone. I would like to, but I never actually read the shit you folk write. Nevertheless, I want o give a shout out to two fantastic blogs:
She Shine On: fantastic, sexy and clever poetry.
Diirrty: naughty and witty and raw and, well, dirty.
Read them, follow them and love them, or I will have you killed.
Something sad happened tonight, I lost someone – a friend of mine’s dicksplash husband got them so in debt that she had her phone and internet cut off. I will miss her and I felt like not blogging at all… but life goes on, eh?
This post is for her x