With my laptop gone
I’ll get no posts done
But I’ve still got my phone
And its a smart one
So I could write a poem
And sit in the sun
But I can’t be fucked
so you really don’t read any other blogs?
sure i do!!
a few others
isn’t that kinda arrogant?
my friend sally calls me ‘lofty’
haha – why?
its a nickname
i get that you dumb cunt – why?
she says i’m aloof
you are boring me now – bye
“Okay, I think you should begin by logging out of Facebook.” my therapist explains.
“Oh, I do.” I say, “Every time I go out, or have to work or have friends round, I log out.”
“No, that’s not what I mean.” she says, knowing what pain her next words will cause me, “I want you to log out of Facebook permanently. You need to deactivate your account.”
“But why?” I stammer. She looks up from her notes, straight at me.
“You need to wean yourself off the internet, Kyle. We discussed this in your last session.”
“All of it?” I implore, knowing the answer before I hear it.
“Yes Kyle. All of it.”
“Especially WordPress Kyle.” she smiles, “We discussed this. You agreed it was for the best.” My head drops, in meek acknowledgement. “You see that?” she asks, gesturing, with a nod, towards the large glass pane to my right.
“The window?” I ask.
“Through that.” she urges
“Yes, Kyle. Outside.”
In the background I hear a choir singing. The tune is Desmond Dekker’s Israelites, the words are:
Me wek up in da mornin,
wantin me ganja,
me got me rocket
but me not got me rizla
Then I realise what’s going on… and wake up.
I’m not going to be around as much for the next few months. I have found a new book deal, and as a ‘so called writer’ I have to go with it. Its a dull technical tome on how to program smart-phones, much like my last book. It will contain no erections or wet pussies or orgasms (although I will try to sneak one or two past my editors) and will be as dry as hell to write, but it will mean that I can still continue to put food on my table using the words in my head. There is a certain irony to this deal – ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that I can barely operate my own smart-phone, and I am the world’s worst ever DrawSomething player.
“Writing is about the only profession where nobody is surprised that you make absolutely no money”
I would much rather be here, banging away at the keyboard with one hand, and my cock with the other, and I will still try to post at least daily. I have had a wonderful few months here and have enjoyed your company more than I can say.
I am currently in the process of knocking out the book outline and negotiating a contract that won’t leave me poorer than when I started, so I should be around for a bit.
Thank you everybody who has commented and liked and followed or just even read my ramblings. I love you all and have jacked off to every one of your comments and gravatar pics – although I’m not certain that that is a good definition of love.
~ k )
the idea of community has completely changed in recent years. it has nothing to do with geography any more.
i have dear friends on other continents and we share friends on others still. some of us have never met and may never meet. some of us haven’t seen in each other in decades, but i am part of a community on fartbook and wordpress and it is real. i have made such wonderful friends online. we small talk and gossip about each other. we even fall out at times. the human spirit shines through social networks. we share movies and music and jokes, our happinesses and our sadnesses, our pains and pleasures, our losses and gains. we spend hours and hours together. i love farcebook. I love wordpress. i love skype, and i love you. all.
i met a friend from australia the other week, we had only known each other through facebook. we got on like old pals.
my mom doesn’t do the internet, she says that my online lover is probably an 87 year old, one legged, fat man from bolton, masquerading as a beautiful woman. i hope she’s right.
The Amazing Procrastinator
The Incredible Never Washes Up Man
The Mighty Masurbator
The Awesome Can Never Find His Glasses Man
Super Watched The Wire Eight And A Half Times Man
The Daring Loves His Phone More Than His Mom Man
The Outlandish Pornography Woman
The Amazing Forgets To Water The Plants Boy
The Incredible Shrinking Dick
The Mighty Sarcasm Man
when we die
our web presence will remain
technology will allow us to animate our spirits
from beyond the grave,
they will continue to interact with the living
uploaded to the cloud,
we will be digital angels
when we die.
Every second 1.8 people die. There are around 500,000,000 Farcebook users. That means in the time it takes you to read this post eight of them will have died, four of them will have been logged in at the time. There are over 70,000,000 WordPress bloggers. One of them will have died while you were reading this. I bet you wish you hadn’t read it now, don’t you?
Earlier in the week, the wonderful tales of a charm city chick responded to a haiku I had written, in the comments section, with another haiku. I thought it was such a clever and brilliant idea that I thought I’d have a go at it myself. The result was this wonderful to and fro between me and the fantastic Reality in Progress:
from the love I have
through the pain I will embrace
to the life I want
i love this poem
it is so very clever
please write another
my body was weak
replying was put on hold
i had to get food
i understand you
we all need some nourishment
it was worth the wait
this poetry geekery
is making me laugh
it makes me laugh too
poetry can be such fun
and good for the soul
who would have known that
expression in short
i find it a thrill
to squeeze my words so tightly
into such a form
i really agree
maybe the future will be
i like that idea
let me have a go at it
here is my word – poem
truly love your word
for me another one though
‘love’ my word will be
your word is so sweet
and i find myself thinking
our words are the same
maybe all words are
same reflection of a truth
we find in all hearts.
I saw this post and it gave me this idea:
Asshole at times,
Beautiful at others.
Cranky now and then but a
Googles himself regularly and
Hurtful when in pain.
Idealistic to a fault, the
Joker of the pack.
Likes to think he’s a lover not a fighter –
Naughty like the best,
Optimist with the rest,
Poor of pocket and
Questioning of everything, but
Rich with friends.
Slut when he can be and
Toasted when he shouldn’t be.
Undervalued by himself, a
Wanker for ever,
Xylophone player never,
Yesterday’s hero? who knows?
Zeds? maybe? but when he’s dead.
My 200th post is looming and I want to whore it out, to you, to be your bitch. I want to write whatever you suggest in the comments. I will do the first one and the naughtiest one. Try not to be kind to me please.
I am flattered to have been nominated for two blogger awards, and I am honoured, and fully erect, to have been nominated by Kat of the wonderful SnarkySnatch and Gabriela of the fantastic Cribbings. Both awards require me to reveal things about myself and to nominate other bloggers. Well.. as you already know, if you follow my blog, there is nothing about me that is worthy of note, other than my tiny penis and my inability to get an erection. Also, I couldn’t possibly nominate other blogs, as I never actually read any of your boring shit. What? You don’t think I’ve got a life here?
Seriously – you all know all the weird shit about me already, with the exception of a couple of things that I will reveal in this post, like how tricky it is to type in my gimp outfit. You also know that I love you all (except you, of course) and couldn’t possibly select my favourite blogs. Nevertheless I’m gonna have a try, and there will be a lot more than seven.
Where do I start? well not with SnarkySnatch or Cribbings, obviously, their blogs suck. Of course, anyone who has ever visited their sites will know that I kid about that. These are blogs whose posts I await eagerly and miss when they are not there. If you don’t already follow them, then do so now.
SnarkySnatch is one of the highlights of my day, her posts are cutting and true and beautifully satirical and at the same time, gentle and honest and sweet (although I doubt she will thank me for those last three adjectives). I never know whether to wank or giggle when I read her posts, so I tend to do both (is that wrong Kat?).
Cribbings is another blog that thrills me with its honesty and freshness. This woman writes from her heart and you can feel that in her words, there is a real artistry to what she does and she talks about anything and everything with eloquence and feeling and wit.
Thank you both for nominating me – I love you both to pieces and one day I may even bother to read your blogs.
Enough arse licking, eh? (although I would happily lick these girls butts all day and not just metaphorically – in fact, I would willingly eat a mile of their shit, just to see where it came from. Ain’t I the romantic, eh?
Here are some of the blogs that get me up in the morning. They are in no particular order but… if I had to pick a favourite it would have to be Tales of a Charm City Chick by the outstanding La La. These delightful anecdotes and snippets of 21st century city life capture what its like to be a woman today and do it with charm and humour and clever insight, although she does need to work on her spelling and grammar a bit.
If I had to pick another favourite it would most certainly be My Own Private Universe by my great friend, the drop-dead-gorgeous Robin. I love this woman and I love her blog. It is full of brilliantly clever insight and wonderfully and skilfully written. Follow her now, or I will have you killed. Her latest serialisation Ashes2Ashes is chilling and compelling and as beautiful as it is scary. Er… Robin, its not private if you blog it, ok?
If I could have just one more favourite it would be my mate Maria’s ArtfulHelix. Mostly a series of reviews of great artists and writers, ArtfulHelix has opened my mind and educated me and showed me things I thought I knew through fresh eyes.
There are so many blogs I want to mention. Like the wonderful Pete Armetta, who has the kind of romantic, deep heart that is a delight to find in a man these days. Then there is Wobsy of Mental Gymnastics whose blog is a never ending source of variety and fun and information.
Where would a mention of my favourite, most heart and cock warming blogs be without the arousing Gillian Colbert at Black door press, who I suspect is a female version of me, or Dahlia of Possessive Habits, whose dark heart thrills me to the core, or Love Sex and Marriage and Little Miss of Dirty Little Whispers, you write like 21st Century dirty little angels and I love you. You ladies fill my day with excitement, please never ever stop blogging.
A special mention has to be made of Susie Lindau, who is looking at writing naughty and, from what I’ve read, I think she will be brilliant at it, red-hot brilliant. can’t wait Susie. Also a blog I only just discovered needs a mention, June Like The Month is a blog you must check out, raw, honest and very sexy. I love people that can bare their souls like she does.
There are hundreds more ass-kicking blogs and I wish I had time to mention you all, but i got to go play with myself now.
Ok, enough arse-kissing. Know that I love every motherfucking one of you and you are all welcome to come and suck my dick anytime you want, boys as well as girls – one at a time or all together, its all good. You are like a family to me. I have found friendship and beauty and wisdom and art and greatness here on WordPress. I have found brilliance and thrills and laughter and tears through your words. Never go away or you will break my little heart.
~ k )