i had to go to the doctor’s today – i hate it, the depression of the waiting room, the risk of catching a cold, all the posters reminding me of all the horrible diseases and afflictions, i could, and probably will end up getting. most of all, i hate the wait. i know they’re busy and the service is stretched, but to be surrounded by miserable looking fuckers, coughing and sneezing over me is just a shitty way to spend the best part of a morning – thank fuck i’ve got minecraft on my phone, at least.
eventually, i get to see my doctor. she is a hot young asian woman, and, thanks to the recent mild weather, is displaying a cleavage that i could happily spend six months in. this makes discussing personal matters rather awkward, and after several minutes watching her staring, uncomfortably, at her computer display, she turns to me and breaks the news. “i’m very sorry mr mew, but you are going to have to stop masturbating.” i’m flabbergasted.
“what?” i exclaim, “why?” my world collapsing around me, “forever?”
“no, not forever, mr mew,” she sighs, almost scowling, “just while i finish examining you.”
Its spring here today. Its warm again. I sat under a tree in the park and smoked a spliff. The tree was covered in a cloud of pink flowers that rained petals and I wondered if trees could be gay and concluded that this one probably was, at least during the spring. I told a jogger that she had the most amazing pink shoelaces I had ever seen. I wanted to tell her how badly she needed to invest in a good sports bra, but I didn’t and I am as ashamed of not saying that as I am proud. I wondered if the fact that I find mixed-race couples really cute made me a racist and concluded that it probably did. I saw 47 cleavages. I watched a juggler that couldn’t juggle and a painter that couldn’t paint, a woman walked past me that had a butt so cute, that I wanted to both juggle with it and paint it. I checked my phone and found that God had accepted my friend request and was also following my blog. I shared a cup of tea with a woman who smelled of cider and an ice cream with a duck that kept giving me funny looks and tried to bite me when I got up to leave.