Wank biscuit
I was blown away last night and this morning when I read the responses to my little poem. I wrote it in seconds, on the bus on my way home alone from a depressing evening in an even more depressing meat market. I never gave it a second thought and never expected such a heart-warming response.
I never realised just how many wonderful friends I have here. Thank you all for being so sweet and making me feel so wanted. You were all exactly what I needed. Thanks especially to the wonderful Kat of SnarkySnatch who said this, melting my heart and making my day.
“Get it out baby. Get out your pain in your glorious prose but don’t ever give up on sharing your heart. I would give my left tit to be able to have a man that loves as passionately as you do. Fuck anyone that doesn’t see your hearts grace. Yeah. I said it. FUCK ANYONE. You have supported me from the very beginning when there wasn’t even a reason to. You believed in my silly ass and snatch. Your motivational words propelled me forward during many a dark time. I remember one amazing email you sent me inspiring me to continue blogging when I didn’t think I had a voice to. I did continue. This is power you have to a fellow blogger, what the hell kind of empowerment do you give to someone you love? You are a vaginal elixir. You are talented. You are witty and funny. You are loyal. You are thousand gazillion things worth writing about but you greatest gift is that you love with an open heart. How many of us can say we do the same? I am very honored to call you a friend Kyle luv.
I have said before don’t fall in love…fall off a bridge. It will hurt less. I get it. I know. I’ve been there done that. Got the t-shirt and watched the movie on Lifetime but it still doesn’t take away the sting of hurting to say I feel you sweets. At the end of the day Kyle, people are flawed and sometimes selfish. It is an ugly part of humanity. Does it make them evil to hurt us? No. But they sure as shit could show some compassion when they exit. I am sorry you are hurting luv. I truly am. I adore you tons you silly wank biscuit. Hugs and mayhem.”
Raw
I wake up this morning to discover that I am single. She’s left me. In the middle of the night. For another guy.
Its a lovely little note, full of sweet comments about how much better he is in bed than I am and how fulfilled he makes her feel. I file it with all the others and then do what anyone else would do in such a situation, I change my Faecbook relationship status back to ‘single’. Next, I pop round to some friends and get myself lots of hugs, have a little rant, a little cry and a cup of tea. Then I have to get back to work.
I’m self employed, see, and my boss is a real wanker – although sometimes he’ll give me the afternoon off if I give him a hand job, (thankfully, he’s never asked me to suck his dick, I don’t think my back could take it). Once at my desk, I do what any self-respecting writer does, I go onto Farcebook, and its amazing, its like it can read my mind.
Within two hours of my declaration of singledom, Fartbook has filled my sidebar with adverts for women. The variety is astounding. I can find Christian girlfriends or date black women, I can even have a girlfriend in a uniform if I want. One says “Women over 40.” although there is no way the woman in the picture is even halfway to 40. I can date a ‘pretty Chinese girl’ or ‘1,000s of Japanese women’ and I wonder if that means you have to date them all at the same time. I’m even offered a choice of vegetarian women – why would I care what someone does or doesn’t eat?
I click on one and it takes me to a site called serioussingles.co.uk and I start to fill out my profile. There are some obvious questions, like gender and age and location. They want to know my ethnicity, which I guess is important for a lot of people, although it isn’t for me, and they want to know how much I earn, which is fair enough I guess, but I’m a writer and there isn’t a box marked ‘zero’. Next they ask me what religion I am. I scan the list for atheist or antitheist but they’re not there, and all I can click on is ‘none’, which is wrong because I believe in plenty of shit, just not any of the shit with the tick boxes on their page. Then, they start to piss me off.
The next page is about my interests, what kind of music I like, that kind of thing. I don’t get to type in genres or my favourite bands or anything, oh no. I have to pick from a list. Well, guess what? Rastabilly Skank and Bulgarian Hip-Hop weren’t even there. I get a list of bands I might like. Now sure, I like the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Primal scream, but where on that list are Bad Sin and The Tofu Love Frogs? Anyway, I click on ‘rock’ and ‘blues’ and ‘new wave’. New wave! Really? The next screen loses me completely.
The next page of my profile is all about what ‘hairstyle’ I have, and again, I don’t get to choose. I mean, why the fuck would anyone select a partner on the basis of hairstyle? I want a woman who is beautiful, its not about how “hot” she is. I don’t care if she’s bald as long as her heart shines. I look down the list and… surprise surprise, mohawk isn’t there. This is the point where I click ‘cancel’ and would have clicked ‘fuck you’ too if they had such a button.
Tonight my friends are gonna take me out and get me laid. Gonna cheer me up. I’ll go along with it, in the belief that it will work, I just hope the poor girl doesn’t mind me crying while I fuck her.
Good night, sweetheart
It’s time to go now
Arrivederci,
tally-ho,
au revoir,
adio
You’ve been so wonderful,
I don’t wish to go
But this
completes
my show.
Goodnight sweetheart – I will always love you x
kyle mew 