So now I am back. I have had the most wonderful time being abducted by aliens. We flew in and out of the rings of Saturn and sunbathed under a sulphur volcano on Io. We went skinny dipping in the methane oceans of Titan and showered under five mile high, diamond waterfalls of hot gas on Jupiter. I saw a 12 coloured rainbow from the top of a mountain on Mars and drank wine fermented in the glow of a supernova.
Best of all was all the orifice probing that goes, quite naturally, along with an alien abduction. Apparently this is not done for any scientific reason but simply because it amuses the rest of the universe. There are several billion sites on the uniweb dedicated to such sport, my favourite being uuu.fuckthatsfunny.con. They already know all there is to know about us, what with us being one of the most primitive species ever to have evolved.
I have met some amazing people. I smoked a spliff with Marie Antoinette and sucked Jo Stalin’s dick (its tiny). Did you know that Adolf Hitler was gay, and actually he said “A glass of juice,” not “Gas the Jews”? I met Joan of Arc, and let me tell you, she is nowhere near as gay as people like to think. We all smoked some fantastic Arcturan weed and the aliens paid us each $150 dollars for our time. Sadly these were Betelgeusian dollars and made of chocolate.
Anyway I am back and refreshed and ready to write some smut.
Its spring here today. Its warm again. I sat under a tree in the park and smoked a spliff. The tree was covered in a cloud of pink flowers that rained petals and I wondered if trees could be gay and concluded that this one probably was, at least during the spring. I told a jogger that she had the most amazing pink shoelaces I had ever seen. I wanted to tell her how badly she needed to invest in a good sports bra, but I didn’t and I am as ashamed of not saying that as I am proud. I wondered if the fact that I find mixed-race couples really cute made me a racist and concluded that it probably did. I saw 47 cleavages. I watched a juggler that couldn’t juggle and a painter that couldn’t paint, a woman walked past me that had a butt so cute, that I wanted to both juggle with it and paint it. I checked my phone and found that God had accepted my friend request and was also following my blog. I shared a cup of tea with a woman who smelled of cider and an ice cream with a duck that kept giving me funny looks and tried to bite me when I got up to leave.