So now I am back. I have had the most wonderful time being abducted by aliens. We flew in and out of the rings of Saturn and sunbathed under a sulphur volcano on Io. We went skinny dipping in the methane oceans of Titan and showered under five mile high, diamond waterfalls of hot gas on Jupiter. I saw a 12 coloured rainbow from the top of a mountain on Mars and drank wine fermented in the glow of a supernova.
Best of all was all the orifice probing that goes, quite naturally, along with an alien abduction. Apparently this is not done for any scientific reason but simply because it amuses the rest of the universe. There are several billion sites on the uniweb dedicated to such sport, my favourite being uuu.fuckthatsfunny.con. They already know all there is to know about us, what with us being one of the most primitive species ever to have evolved.
I have met some amazing people. I smoked a spliff with Marie Antoinette and sucked Jo Stalin’s dick (its tiny). Did you know that Adolf Hitler was gay, and actually he said “A glass of juice,” not “Gas the Jews”? I met Joan of Arc, and let me tell you, she is nowhere near as gay as people like to think. We all smoked some fantastic Arcturan weed and the aliens paid us each $150 dollars for our time. Sadly these were Betelgeusian dollars and made of chocolate.
Anyway I am back and refreshed and ready to write some smut.