Posts tagged “humour

Lioness

She is like a starving lioness, craving the kill, desperate for the taste of blood, the sensation of tearing flesh and the sweet stench of terror from her prey. She needs to feed. She longs to devour and feast. She needs to eat. Her hunger so strong that it hurts, consuming her every waking moment and drenching her dreams. It’s the only thing she can think about. She simply has to feel her teeth sinking into soft, terrified flesh. It’s in her very nature, to choke and kill and devour. She has no choice in the matter. It is who she is and it is what makes her so beautiful.

The best thing about her is that she’s coming round later tonight for what she describes as a barbecue. I’m just a little puzzled, as I don’t have a yard, but I’m sure she knows what she’s talking about, and I can’t wait to find out.


A little secret

Shhh, and I’ll let you in on a little secret.

I have very dark eyes, they are almost black, and I don’t need sunglasses. I do wear them though, in the summer, but only so that I can look at women’s tits without them realizing.

I am worried however that the slobbering might give the game away.


Relativity

In 1920 Albert Einstein undertook a lengthy lecture tour of the United States to explain his new theory of relativity. The tour was so long that, towards the end, his driver mentioned that he had heard the lecture so many times that he could probably deliver it himself. Einstein suggested that he have a go, and the following night they traded places and the great man sat in the audience with his driver’s cap on, while the driver delivered the speech – with word-perfect accuracy.

Once the lecture came to an end, the Q and A started and a student in the front row threw up his hand and asked a complicated question about the mathematical structure of the space-time continuum. Without a moments hesitation, the driver pointed out Einstein in the crowd, still wearing the driver’s hat, and said “That question is so easy, that even my driver knows the answer.”


A cautionary tale

so anyway, i had unprotected sex with this prostitute the other week, and a few days later my cock turns purple. naturally, i go see my doctor and she tells me that it will have to be amputated. now, that seems a bit extreme to me, so i get myself a second opinion and go see this classy doctor on harley street. “my doctor says its gotta be amputated,” i tell him, “tell me that’s not true.”
“oh no.” he replies, “that’s totally unnecessary. give it two or three days and it’ll fall off all by itself.”


Straight Tony

We called our mate Tony, ‘Straight Tony’. Originally because he was gay but, continually, because it wound him up so much. When we caught him flirting with a guy, we would stroll up and ask him how his wife was. It was hilarious.

It was back in the days when the pubs would shut at eleven, and he and I would go drink in this gay bar in Clapham that was open til five. I like gay bars: they’re nicely decorated, the bar snacks are better, the toilets are cleaner (if often rather busy) and I rarely get into a fight for chatting up someone’s girlfriend.

One night, Tony had got hold of this awesome Peruvian coke, and I asked him if he could lay a gram on me. “Only if you suck my dick.” he laughed. I gave him one of those looks that say ‘Are you fucking serious dude?” He was.

We found a unoccupied cubicle – nice thing about that bar was that they kept the lavs clean, so I didn’t have to worry about kneeling in a puddle of piss – and I set to it. I reckon guys are good at giving blow jobs, even if we’re not that experienced at it, because we know what it feels like to have a cock. Anyhow, Straight Tony seemed to enjoy it.

Afterwards, while I was snorting a line as long as my arm and as thick as my willie off the toilet seat, Tony giggled and said, “I would have given you the ticket anyway, you didn’t have to suck my dick.”
“I know,” I grinned back, “and I’d have sucked it anyway.”


Long distance love

Long distance love can be difficult but it has its upsides too, one being that it doesn’t matter if your farts stink.


Mary had a little crack

Mary had a little crack
Whose fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that that Mary went
The kids were sure to follow.

She took some to her school one day,
Which was against the rules.
It made the children laugh and play
To smoke some crack at school.

And so the teacher turned her out,
But still she lingered near
And waited patiently about
For the children to appear.


Pictures of my dick

Her
u leaving me?!!!
Monday, 11:46 PM

Me
wot bit of *we are thru* didnt u get?
Monday, 11:47 PM

Her
if u leave me ill post pics of ur dick all over the internet!!!
Monday, 11:47 PM

Me
u cant!
Monday, 11:47 PM

Her
try n stop me! the whole world will see how tiny it is LOL!!!
Monday, 11:49 PM

Me
no i mean i knew u wud do that – im 1 step ahead of u – i posted 100s of pics of my dick on the internet last nite! hahahaha fuk u!
Monday, 11:50 PM

Thanks to Snarkysnatch for the idea.