Posts tagged “Jesus

Please Jesus will you just fuck off

Her: Hello Sir.
Me: Hello.
Her: Thank you for answering the door. We are here to tell you some fantastic news.
Me: Is this about religion?
Her: No Sir, this is about Jesus.
Me: That’s not religion then?
Her: No Sir, we have great news for you.
Me: Have I won the lottery?
Her: Better than that Sir.
Me: Have I won two lotteries?
Her: Have you read the bible?
Me: Yes.
Her: So you are a believer then?
Me: Of course not, I’ve read the bible.
Her: Jesus died for you sins Sir.
Me: Did he? I better commit a few more of them then, make it worth his while.
Her: This is not a joking matter Sir, He really did.
Me: I wasn’t joking. Now, if you don’t mind, I was  busy masturbating just then-
Her: Thank you for time Sir. Have a nice day.

The king is dead – long live the king

Jesus walked on water – we walked on the moon
Jesus cured 73 lepers – we wiped out smallpox
fuck god, he’s small fry compared to the might and beauty that is homo sapiens

life is beautiful because we die

imagine the best sunset you ever saw and then imagine that the sky always looked like that – it would cease to be beautiful, because it would be normal. beautiful things must, by definition, be rare – the universe existed for billions of years before we were born and will continue to exist for trillions of years after we die. like those rare desert plants that only blossom for one day every 150 years, the beauty of life lies in its brevity, and its rarity.

everlasting life would, were it possible, rob our lives of their beauty. so thank god that he doesn’t exist and that tomorrow we might die.