The first thing I remember was being born. I looked around and thought “Well, fuck me! This ain’t quite what I was hoping for.” They say that we don’t remember the first year or so of our lives because our brains are still not fully developed, but that’s complete bullshit. We don’t remember because infancy is so fucking traumatic that our minds block it out, to protect us. If we could recall a single moment of it, it would drive us batshit crazy.
The next thing I remember, I was twelve and trying to force my hand down a girl called Victoria’s panties, against a dumpster behind Tescos that smelt of stale pies and fresh tramp piss.
From then on its all been kinda downhill.