we meet in secret, in a hotel room – you give me a peck on the cheek and tell me that as long as i do everything you say, we can meet again. if i hesitate, or fail in the slightest and you will leave and i will never see you again.
you have me undress and lay on the bed, already erect, as your eyes take in my cock, bouncing eagerly on my belly with anticipation – you step forward and blindfold me – i hear you moving and the sound of your clothes falling to the floor. i ask if you’re naked, and you tell me not to speak.
i feel you climbing onto the bed, and you tell me that i am not to touch you, that i am not to touch myself. i am not even allowed to move unless told to – you kneel over me, your legs straddling mine, looking down at me trembling with excitement, my member fit to burst.
you stroke my chest softly, with the tips of you fingers, feel my heart pounding rapidly, the way a wild beast might pound its cage in an effort to be free. you sweep your fingers down over my belly, stopping just short of my twitching shaft. you run both your hands down my sides and up over me, stopping even closer this time. you do this, again and again, getting nearer and nearer, until the lightest touch would have me overflow.
i can tell, by the way you are breathing more heavily and the light trembling of the bed, what you are doing to yourself. you remind me again, with the hint of a gasp in your voice, not to touch you and not to touch myself, knowing just how much i long to – through the mattress i feel your hips start to rock back and forth and hear your light, open-mouthed gasps reflect off the ceiling and know you have your head tilted back in ecstasy.
you lean forward, supporting yourself with your other hand on the headboard and plant the tiniest of kisses on my quivering lips. i can feel your hair brush against my skin and your breath, like sweet steam, on my cheek – your mouth hovers over mine as your orgasm erupts through you, spreading like molten, bubbling lava, to the very tips of your fingers and toes – your orgasmic moans are soft, breathy and almost whisper-like, but there is no mistaking the pleasure they portray, as you pant and pulsate over me, your body on fire with delight.
before you climb off me, you sweep a glistening fingertip over my lips, barely touching them but giving me a tantalising taste of heaven, as i lay there gasping with a mixture of unbearable frustration and momentous delight. you dress silently, still shaking with excitement, and exit the room without a sound, leaving me in the dark, glued to the spot with fear of losing you, my erection still raging like a hungry wolf.
it is only hours later when i hear an awkward cough that is not yours, that i dare take off the blindfold. only to see the ugly old, toothless maid, who has come to clean the room, standing at the end of the bed, mouth gaping and eyes bulging at the sight of my still stiff, still trembling body.
i had to go to the doctor’s today – i hate it, the depression of the waiting room, the risk of catching a cold, all the posters reminding me of all the horrible diseases and afflictions, i could, and probably will end up getting. most of all, i hate the wait. i know they’re busy and the service is stretched, but to be surrounded by miserable looking fuckers, coughing and sneezing over me is just a shitty way to spend the best part of a morning – thank fuck i’ve got minecraft on my phone, at least.
eventually, i get to see my doctor. she is a hot young asian woman, and, thanks to the recent mild weather, is displaying a cleavage that i could happily spend six months in. this makes discussing personal matters rather awkward, and after several minutes watching her staring, uncomfortably, at her computer display, she turns to me and breaks the news. “i’m very sorry mr mew, but you are going to have to stop masturbating.” i’m flabbergasted.
“what?” i exclaim, “why?” my world collapsing around me, “forever?”
“no, not forever, mr mew,” she sighs, almost scowling, “just while i finish examining you.”
i have worked at the fitness centre for five years and know all the best places to hide and watch women changing or showering. i have never been caught before, but you are sharper than most and spot me in my hiding place and drag me out, in front of the other women in the changing room, to the accompaniment of much laughter and sneering.
most of you giggle at my naked form and twitching erection, a few of you look quite angry, although one or two have looks of genuine desire in your eyes. you ask me what i was doing and even though i can only stutter, you all know that i was jerking off, as i spied on you all changing. you demand that i continue, in front of you all, and this suggestion is met with a round of cheers and more laughter. i try to protest but you pick up a hockey stick and i can see by the steel in your eyes that you wouldn’t hesitate for a second to beat me with it. one or two of the girls, that were angered at my intrusion, pick up their sticks too, and i realise that i have no choice but to perform in front of you all.
i start to stroke my cock up and down. tentatively at first, closing my eyes against the giggles and jeers, but when i look about, i realise how beautiful the sight before me is. i am surrounded by women of all ages and shapes, in various states of undress, and i start to thrill to the whole idea. my eyes fill themselves and almost drown in ageing thighs and chubby arms, breasts, old and young alike define themselves through towels and underwear and i realise just how gloriously beautiful all women are, regardless of age or shape.
i hear one of you clap their hands together in delight as my cock squirts its first stream of cum and i shiver with delight to the sound of gasps and giggles, my knees trembling and cum dripping through my fingers and spraying into the air. afterwards you tell me that unless i want my boss to know about my sick little games, then i am to come back at the same time tomorrow, so that you can humiliate me further.
thank you audrina of audrina1759’s blog and Maarit-Johanna of history of the ancient world for nominating me for some award or other. normally i don’t do the award thing but i’m so flattered to be nominated by these women, as their blogs are just wonderful, that i will make an exception.
the rules are as follows:
- tell seven things about yourself
- nominate 487 other bloggers
- that’s it, i think
seven things about me:
- i haven’t had sex since february
- i haven’t had coffee since 9:30
- i fantasise about posting pictures of my dick on this blog but have never had the guts
- i know how to measure the speed of light with a microwave and some proccessed cheese
- i am going to masturbate to the gravatar pictures of anyone who likes or comments on this post – you have been warned
- minds turn me on more than bodies
- i sneezed so hard this morning that my glasses flew off and landed in the toilet bowl
- an ex once super-glued my hand to my cock in my sleep
- i have only recently learned that women get sexier and more beautiful as they get older
- i can’t count to seven
- three of these things are not true (but this might be one of them)
i’m afraid i can’t nominate anyone as i never actually read any of the shite you guys write.
from now on i will only be accepting nominations for awards if they come accompanied by pictures of the nominee’s bare breasts or cum drenched pricks – ideally both.
i have the camera positioned just right and i can see you perfectly, as you spread out naked on your bed and start to stroke yourself between your legs. i just hope i’ve hidden it well enough for you not to spot it, you don’t seem to as you slide two fingers into your dripping pussy and then moisten your clit with them.
i lean into the screen to see you better and grab hold of my cock, which feels hot and desperate in my fingers. you rub yourself harder and i groan to myself at the sheer beauty of you. i long to be there with you, long for my lips to be where your fingers are, wish that i could hear your sweet moans of pleasure.
i pump my cock in time to the glorious rhythm of the rising and falling of your thrusting hips, your back arched, your fingers playing greedily with your whole pussy, plunging deep into yourself, passionately and wildly. i almost come spontaneously when you stop to take a taste of yourself and i have to slow right down so that i can come at the same time you do.
I can tell that you’re close by the way you writhe, the way your thighs shake, the way the way the fingers of your other hand dig deep into the sheets beneath you. I am close to coming too, i can feel my toes curling and my cock pulsing fiercely when, suddenly, you stop, sit up and look straight into the camera. you lean over and write something on a sheet of paper and hold it up for me to see. on it are the words ‘GET IN HERE!’ you don’t look happy and i know i am in a lot of trouble. i put my shorts on but you can still see my erection poking through when i walk through into your room. “take those ridiculous things off and stand there.” you say, gesturing to the end of the bed.
you lie back and spread your legs, raising your knees and start slipping your fingers in and out of your glistening pussy, watching how i drink in the sight with my eyes. i take hold of my throbbing member but you tell me “no” and climb onto all fours, facing me. you run a single, soaked finger down the length of my twitching prick and blow on it and then plant a tiny kiss on the tip, letting it tremble agaisnt you lips. then you open your mouth a little more, taking more of me inside you. i feel your teeth gripping it lighty and your tongue caressing it. you kneel up and face me, sliding your sweet, wet fingers over my mouth and nostrils and then throw yourself back onto the bed and bring yourself close to orgasm in front of me. in between your heavy pants and gritted screams, just before you are about to explode, you say three words to me “now, fuck me!”
- the women’s fa cup final
- kerry katona drunk on this morning
- the russian grannies on eurovision
- the news
- the weather
- photos of my ex on vacation with her new guy
- the queen’s speech (any year)
- the jeremy kyle show
- pride and prejudice (the novel, not the movie)
- sarah palin
god, how i love
looking at you.
god, how i want
just to touch you.
god, how i need
to hold you so tight.
i can’t get through the night.
god, how i love
how we have so much fun.
god, how i love
watching you come.
god, how i love
the way that we click.
god, how i love
playing with my prick.
In an empty bed,
With you on my mind
With a smile
And a hard on.
In an empty bed,
With you in my dreams
Of fucking you
Up the ass.
bash the bishop, spank the monkey,
slap the salami and tickle your pickle.
by any other name
it would be just as beautiful.
polish the pearl, pump the keg.
slam the clam and beat the meat.
by and other name
it would be just as sweet
clap your clit and flick your bean
jack off, jill off, hit the slit
whatever you call it
just fucking do it
i guess i’m a bit of an exhibitionist. i’ve always been turned on by the idea of being watched whilst performing a sexual act, particularly masturbation. so, i’m thrilled when i see that you’ve installed a hidden video camera in my room and decide to put on a real show for you.
i kneel naked in the middle of the bed, making sure that i am in the camera’s field of view, and start stroking myself gently. I am already erect and use just my finger and thumb so you can see its full, twitching length. i look away from the camera, i don’t want you to think that i know you are watching me. i pour lotion over my chest and belly. it is creamy and white and suggestive as i work it into my body, before drizzling more in thick rivulets over the tip of my bulging cock, rubbing it in with long slow pumps of my fist, letting it dribble over and through my fingers.
i take my time and lean back, my chest rising and falling rapidly as my breath quickens. i hold my hand still and let my hips do the work and my orgasm rises suddenly and explosively, shaking the bed and drawing a long satisfied moan from my lips as cum shoots in long thick streaks from my thrashing cock. i mouth your name as i come, not wanting to be too obvious and hope that you’re recording this in good enough quality to see my cum squirt and dribble over and down my shuddering chest and belly, running stickily through my fingers. my orgasm fades in long eye-watering gasps and i lift my head and slip three cum covered fingers into my mouth, tasting them and letting a little drip over my lip and down my chin before collapsing back onto the bed, a quivering, panting mess.
the next day you explain that you suspect the cleaner of stealing and have put hidden cameras around the place in the hope of catching him out. you smile and wink, before heading off to work.
i can tell by the way your friends giggle and whisper that they have all seen it. i should be mortified by this but i am, in fact, thrilled. i guess i’m a bit of an exhibitionist.
I thought it was a sweet idea at first, a way to reduce the thousands of miles that separated us, a way to bring us closer. You wanted me to promise not to touch myself until you said so, and I did. At first I thought you would just make me wait until the end of that day or maybe into the next, but you really liked the power, enjoyed the feel of my burning desire.
It was a full week before I first begged. You giggled as you shook your head, aroused by how my longing grew stronger each day, thrilled by how easily you could get me erect. You teased me mercilessly, taunting me with pictures of you wearing nearly nothing and calling me day and night, moaning and panting into the mouthpiece, telling me what you were doing to yourself, letting me hear you come, knowing exactly how wild you were driving me and loving every tantalising second of it.
Eventually you told me how long you intended to keep me waiting, saying something about a birthday treat. I grinned from ear to ear, my birthday was only days away. “Not your birthday, silly,” you giggled wickedly, “mine.”
She was as pretty as a dumpster full of sunsets and had breasts that I would have happily chewed my own elbows off, for nothing more than a glance at them unleashed, for nothing more than a description of them.
In bed she was a let down, she didn’t like all the squishy noises we made, refused to suck me off or let me come on her tits and wouldn’t kiss me after I went down on her.
After she had fallen asleep, I pulled back the covers and jacked-off to her magnificent tits. It was the 14th best wank I’d ever had.
We went out together for nearly a year. In the end she ran off with my best friend. Even after all these years, I still miss him.
So, I’m chatting, on Facebook, to this girl right, from like Germany or Russia or one of those countries, and she’s really cool you know, like funny and clever and proper dirty too. Anyway, I have quick look through her photos and find a hot one, with a lot of cleavage, and put it on my phone. Now, she’s forty-something, but she looks bloody good for her age.
In the morning, I wake up with a stiffie you could like choke a horse with, so I bring up her pic and have a good old five knuckle shuffle, a nice long one too, you know, stopping and starting, so as to make it last. I make a hellova mess, but fuck it, that’s what showers and cleaners are for, right?
Later, I tell her about it, and she’s like acting all embarrassed, but you can tell she’s as chuffed as fuck really. “Which picture?” she asks and I tell her.
Turns out I was whacking off to a picture of her daughter.
Another wonderful exciting and dirty post from my favourite mystery blogger:
Immaculate Conception Academy is a strict Catholic girls school with top notch sports teams.
A star defender stands in her field hockey coach’s office, her hands behind her back with her head down, trying not to stare at the bulge in his pants. “You’ve not been doing well at practice, have you young lady?” he asks. She looks upwards through her lashes at him and admits, “No, Sir, I haven’t. Sorry, Sir.”
“Perhaps you need to feel more comfortable,” he suggests in an English accent that sends her weak at the knees, “come and sit down,” he tells her, patting his lap. She sits down gently, staring into his eyes as she does, half excited and half afraid that he will feel the radiating heat between her thighs. As she sits, she feels his hardness twitching beneath her as he places his hand on her thigh, just below the hem of her blue, pleated skirt. “You don’t want to be punished, do you?” he asks.
“Well, no, I’m,I’m just-”
“Stand up” he says to her. She stands, his eyes are glued to her upper thigh. He lifts the back of her skirt slowly, revealing a sweet, soft cheek peeking out from a pair of red lace panties. He kisses the beauty mark the rests at her tantalizing tan line. He follows it with kisses, all the way to her inner thigh and breathes her in. Her body fills with goosebumps. He hears a slight moan from her that thickens his hard-on.
He stands and holds her close to him. She can feel his cock pressing into her from behind, feel it pulse with sexual energy, as he slips his arms tight about her waist and pulls her closer, pressing himself into her. “Tell me” he says, “Tell me everything.”
“Well, sir,” she starts, a little quiver in her voice, “Its you, I can’t, its just, well, I can’t get you out of my mind. I keep having fantasies about you.” He spins her around and their eyes meet. The look they share glows like hot coals.
“What sort of fantasies do you have about me?” he asks, barely able to hide his smile and totally unable to hide his erection. She looks down at his stretched crotch, drops to her knees and undoes his zipper.
Her young, honest eyes look up at him. Biting her lip, she reaches under her skirt, inserts her fingers into herself, removes them and covers his cock with her nectar, she takes it into her mouth and begins sucking him. He leans back against his white board and groans, surprised that she knows what she is doing. He runs his fingers through her dark hair and imagines what she tastes like and wonders what her young pussy must feel like.
The desire to know her and taste her overwhelms him and, just before he is about to shoot his thick white cum into her mouth, he drops to his knees, pulls her to standing position, lifts up her skirt and pulls her dripping panties down hurriedly. Knowing what he wants, she widens her stride a little and bends over, grabbing herself by the ankles. He kneels down and first with his fingers and then his tongue and then his whole mouth he starts to caress and massage and thrust himself at her drenched, tingling wetness. Her legs quiver with pleasure and her whole body pulses with the sensation of his tongue reaching into her velvet depths. She feels how stiff he is even though she cannot see it, she feels it in the sheer lust of his longing for her, the way he licks thirstily at her, the way he knows just what she is feeling and she gasps and moans and almost squeals, never having known pleasure like this from a man. All she can think about is his cock and how much she wants it in her, filling her and coming into her in thick, long squirts, mixing with her juices and dripping from her. She wants to scream, “Fuck me! Fuck me now! Fuck me hard!” but can she?
He stops and lays her down on her back. He spreads her open, her clit exposed. He blows lightly and she jumps–every shiver up her spine is earthshaking. He kisses her clit and licks it. He laps at her sweet wetness. Finally she can’t take anymore, she needs him now. “Fuck me, fuck me please!” she cries. He kisses her belly, leaving a trail of her wetness up to and in between her breasts. He kisses her lips, deeply. Holding her hands down above her head, fingers intertwined, he begins to run his cock in and out of her. Her entire body tingles. She arches her hips. She wants to come on his cock. Now.
He holds her down and rears above her, his cock sinking into and out of her, the only point of contact between them, the only thing they can feel is the hot throbbing contact of his burning cock and her tight glistening pussy, concentrating their pleasure into that one spot. Then, as they come they grab each other and breathe together rhythmically. He fills her and collapses into her as she shudders and shakes. They kiss as their hearts pump together.
“I’m not sure if that’s quite what I meant by ‘punishment’ he says, playfully, and she giggles like a diirrty little schoolgirl.
Contributed by an extremely talented, anonymous blogger with a wonderful imagination:
As the hotel maid dusts and tidies the room, she can feel his eyes on her, following her around, watching her flit with her bright feather duster. She bends over to pick up an imaginary piece of fluff from the floor, feeling his gaze slide up her legs as her uniform rides up her thighs, allowing him to see the tops of her stockings. She stretches up on her tip-toes to brush away an imaginary cobweb, bending one leg at the knee coquettishly, letting him appreciate her long shapely legs. She looks at him and sees something move under the sheets. He smiles at her when he realizes she has seen this. She should complain really, she thinks, say something. She doesn’t have to put up with this.
Instead, she walks into the bathroom and pretends to clean. She smiles at herself in the mirror and adjusts her cleavage, enjoying the control she has over the situation. A minute passes and suddenly he is standing naked in the bathroom doorway. “Oh, excuse me,” she says politely, “I’m almost finished, is there anything else I can do for you?” He steps closer to her, takes her hand and pulls her gently but firmly toward him. She doesn’t resist, he is devilishly handsome and impressively endowed. She can feel the heat of his manhood pressed against her. He holds her tightly as he lifts up her skirt and slips his strong hand inside her lace panties. She is wet and quivers at his touch. She pushes him away from her so she can get a look at him and then grasps him gently, pulling slowly up and down, loving the sounds it draws from him. Holding him like that she steers him to the bed.
“Sit down,” she says as she kneels down onto the floor. She looks up into his eyes and begins to lick him. He leans back and watches her tongue lick from the base to the tip. One of her hands moves to the base and the other between her legs. Without touching herself she can feel the radiation between her thighs. She begins to softly stroke her clit as she takes his cock and slaps it lightly against her tongue. She loves watching his face and his chest as the fire rises within him. She lowers her mouth down onto him, taking his whole cock into her throat. She leaves it there for a moment, slides her tongue around it and takes him in and out of her mouth again. He thrusts his hips slightly, but she doesn’t want him to get too excited yet.
She holds his hips and rises up, pinning him still, so that he cannot move. She teases him by slowing down each time she feels him get too aroused, but the sounds he makes and the feel of his rock hard cock in her mouth turn her on so much. She wants to feel him inside her. She saunters into the bathroom and places her hands and right knee on the counter and thrusts her ass out, beckoning him to enter her from behind.
He comes up behind her and grabs her, pulling her panties aside and pushing just the very tip of his rock hard member into her dripping wet pussy. He can feel her delicious juices trickling down the sides of his thick, twitching cock. She squeezes it with her pussy as if to ask him to enter her deeply, to fill her completely.
He pulls out the tip and kisses her shoulder and the curve of her neck where beads of sweat are beginning to form. He bends down to look at her juicy pussy. He circles one finger around her wetness and she moans. Hungrily, he darts his tongue into her and circles around her inner depths. She pushes back against him as he fucks her with his tongue. She cries out and just as she is about to come, he stops. “Fuck me now,” she demands. He inserts the tip and holds her hips steady. She squeezes his cock again and just as they make eye contact, he drives himself completely and intensely inside of her, but leaves it there. He holds her steady. His cock feels like a hot iron inside of her. She tries to move, she needs to be fucked by his thick cock. She needs to come.
But he is not going to let her. Not yet. She is going to have to beg for it. She tries to move again, desperate to feel him sliding in and out of her, but he holds her fast and strong. Their eyes meet in the mirror and she can see he has a wicked grin playing across his lips. “Bastard.” She smiles back, “Fuck me hard!” He gives her just one single pump, pulling almost right out of her and plunging back in to his full length before holding her still again. She struggles and her pussy throbs with desire and lust. He squeezes with his cock, pushing against her deep red depths and she squeals slightly. “Please,” she half laughs, half cries. He pulls out and pushes in again, slowly but fully. Once, twice, a little harder, a little faster. She moans uncontrollably and he stops holding her still so she can work her hips against him.
He speeds up and her heart races as he moves in and out of her, fucking her thoroughly. “Turn around and sit on the edge,” he says. She obeys. He removes her soaking wet panties from her and she wraps her legs around his strong waist. He grabs ahold of her thighs and uses them as leverage as he takes her with fury. She throws her head back and screams, “Yes, you feel so good inside me, fuck me harder!” He picks her up and pushes her back against the wall. “Fuck!” she screams, as she feels her body tingle and burn on the brink of orgasm. As their bodies sweat together, suddenly he comes into her, hard. He convulses and feels the muscles within her contract. She feels him fill her. Her eyes roll back into her head as she shakes violently and collapses into him. They stay there for a moment like that, kissing, breathing heavily, their hot combined juices seeping from her pussy, dripping down his legs.
He puts her down. “I love you,” he says to her.
“I told you that you would like it if I dressed up for you,” she says, smiling. “Next time I want to be your dirty school girl.” He spanks her butt and they run, laughing, into the other room.
Hey! I’m featured on WordPress’s Topics page, under the topic of Masturbation! I’m also featured on their Flash Fiction page. So I’m a wanker and a flasher. Proudest day of this blogger’s life. *sheds tear*
It seems I am already inspiring others to write about what a wanker I can be, like Rebekkah. Thank you Rebekkah
If you are wondering what I was doing typing ‘masturbation’ into the search field of WP’s Topics page, then this is clearly the first time you’ve visited my blog.
Do you know know what I like to think about when I masturbate?
I want to touch you
all the time
and hold you and squeeze you.
I could spend all day,
all night too,
just stroking you
and looking at you.
I love to watch you come,
the way you quiver
I want to rub exotic oils
all over you
and spend hours
teasing you to climax.
I love you more than anything
or anyone I’ve ever known.
I so wish I could kiss you,
but you are not big enough
and my head wont
bend down that far.
Maybe if I took up yoga?
We have never met,
Never held hands,
Never walked along the beach
And pressed our toes in the sand.
We have only words
And occasionally skype,
But I feel your love
In every word you type.
I love you to death,
And I love you to bits.
It would be so sweet though
To come on your tits.
I want you right now,
I’m fed up with waiting,
Because internet love
Is just masturbating.
She watches him through a thin crack in the curtains, watches him undress, testing the water with his hand, before stepping under the steaming shower. Her hand slips down into the black satin of her panties feeling her own warmth and wetness, her eyes glued to the sight of his strong hands lathering up his magnificent body, her clit tingling as he caresses himself, water and bubbles running down his naked body, outlining each delicious curve. She plays with herself gently, not wanting to come too soon, not wanting to miss a second with him, brushing her hard, hot clit softly and slowly, feeling little rushes of pleasure spread outwards through her.
Sometimes they would bump into each other in the store on the corner and chat. She derived guilty delight knowing she had seen him naked. Naked and more, because the other night he had masturbated in the shower. He had taken his time too. stroked his chest and belly with the other hand, eyes closed, pleasure etched on his face. She had watched transfixed as he brought himself to climax, biting her lip at the sight of his cum running down his length and through his fingers, drowning in his open mouth, feeling his excitement, watching through misted eyes as his body shuddered and rocked. They came together.
She starts to come as he steps out of the shower and begins to dry himself, her orgasm like a million tiny electric storms ravishing her whole body, hot heavy gasps erupt from her chest, her pussy exploding with sensation. For a second she thinks he is looking at her, but reasons that he can’t possibly see her through the tiny gap in the curtain. She doesn’t realise that her feet are poking out from under it.
After he is gone and she has had a quick shower herself, she switches on her notebook and Googles video cameras, thinking she could record him and watch him any time she wants. There is a knock at the door, she slips on her red silk dressing gown and answers it. Its him, wearing nothing but a towel and a smile.
Okay, so I’m in this hotel last night and for some reason the cable’s not working. Now, I’ve got a boner that you could hammer nails with, and I need to find something to bust my load to. I rummage around a bit to see if someone’s left a magazine or photo of their wife behind or something, and all I can find is this book called ‘The Bible’. Now, I’ve heard of it before and was kind of thinking that it wouldn’t be much cop as jerk off material, but fuck, I was wrong.
This whole book is full of the raunchiest, most depraved shit I’ve ever read. There’s incest and virgin raping and all sorts. Really, they should put a warning on the cover, what if some kid were to get hold of a copy? Doesn’t bare thinking about.
This God fella, I tell you, he’s a right filthy fucker. Clearly gay, but I don’t mind a bit of that and any port in a storm, eh? He moons this guy Moses (Exodus 33:17-23) and fondles this other guy Jacob’s balls (Genesis 32:25). And the things some of his buddies get up to, its fucking debauched, I tell you. This one bloke, right, Lot, his name is, has drunken sex, in a cave, with two of his own daughters (Genesis 19:30-36) and this other geezer, Jacob, fucks his own sisters and his handmaid in this awesome MFFF foursome (Genesis 29: 21-28).
My favourite bit though was when this guy, Judah, fucks his own daughter-in-law thinking she is a whore (Genesis 38:15-16).
Its not all depravity mind, some of it is quite educational, and has some handy tips on masturbation (Judah 38:8-10).
I tell you, this book is fucking hot and I’m gonna take a copy with me whenever I’m away from home. My only criticism would be that this God bloke clearly doesn’t like women and I don’t like all that misogynistic stuff: no place for it these days, and I skipped all the virgin raping and the bit where he cuts off this chick’s hand for touching some guy’s cock.
All in all though, The Bible has gotta be some of the best porn who’s pages I have gotten all sticky. Seriously, get a copy. Just make sure your children don’t find it.
Little Jackie Horner
Sat in the corner,
Flicking away at her bean;
She put in her thumb,
As she started to come,
And said ‘What a good girl I’ve been!
They are holding the Olympics in London this year and, as a patriot, I want to see Great Britain do well. Looking at the list of events though, there seemed to be very little chance of that. What is needed, I thought, are some new events, something that we Brits can really excel at, but what? After all we are a nation of complete wankers. Then it hit me, like cum in the eye… competitive masturbation!
I decided then and there to write to the mayor of london with some of my ideas, something that could herald a new era of sporting greatness for this country of mine.
First up would be the sprinting events, better suited to the younger athlete, I envisage one of our wonderful spotty teenagers winning gold and setting a new world record in front of thousands of adoring fans by coming in under three seconds. I can see the queen hanging the medal on his twitching dong as he stands atop the podium, the national anthem playing proudly behind him.
Then there are the endurance events. Imagine the commentator, “… and its been 27 hours and 43 minutes and still this giant of a man has not come. Surely another gold for Great Britain!”
I had most fun though, dreaming up the team events, like the relay and synchronised wanking. Just imagine it, a ring of proud erect young men with their hands wrapped firmly around each other’s dicks, all coming together in perfectly timed unison. Listen to the crowd, on their feet, chanting “Cum on Britain!!!” over and over. What a delight that would be and another gold medal for us.
There has to be, of course, what I would call distance events, something like the javelin or the shot put, in fact, we could call it the ‘put shot’. My personal best is just over five feet but I am sure there are proud young men in this wonderful shithole we still dare to call great, that could perform far better than that. Get training boys. Accuracy events too, would have a place, rather like darts or archery but with a slightly stickier projectile. Winners again. GB cleaning up, topping that leader board.
And, there has to room for the more artistic, creative, events, of course. Picture something rather like the event where the girl prances around on the mat with a long ribbon. Go on, picture it.
“What about the women’s events?” I hear you ask. Isn’t that already covered though? Isn’t that what synchronised swimming is?
So come on you fine young youth of Britain, get training, go on, knock one out right now. Do it for queen and country, and if your mum walks in, just tell her you are being patriotic.
Cum on Britian. We can do it.
I think I’m a pervert, because I just don’t seem to get turned on by the same things that other guys do. Do you know what my favourite “porn” is? scrolling through a sexy conversation I’ve had with a woman I’m keen on, or one that has talked dirty to me, reading the words she has written to me. Looking into a woman’s imagination gets me hotter than looking down her panties, although that does it for me too and any of you wanna share, please feel free to send those pics/vids in, just add a few lines or two of text though please.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed in any way to porn or sexy images and often masturbate to pictures and video but, and this is where you will realise just what a sicko I am, I tend to look at faces. a good come face will do it to me every time. No matter how wide her legs are spread or how much boobage is on display, no matter how splattered she might be with cum (why do guys/I find that so sexy?) she might be, if she has a cheeky grin or a sexy smile, then that is probably what I will be looking at when I come.
When I masturbate, I tell myself stories (rather than imagine situations), some of which you may have read here, and when I can’t put a decent plot together, when I can’t imagine a beginning, a middle and an end, or when my characters feel unformed or the set-up unbelievable, I struggle to come. Even though I think Beyonce Knowles and Germaine Greer are gorgeous, I would far rather fantasise about a woman I know. It gets worse though, and I hate to admit this, but I fantasise about foreplay when I play with myself, I fantasise about massaging her back or feet or washing her hair, about turning her on. See, I told you I was weird. I told you I was a pervert. Please help me find decent professional help.