They are holding the Olympics in London this year and, as a patriot, I want to see Great Britain do well. Looking at the list of events though, there seemed to be very little chance of that. What is needed, I thought, are some new events, something that we Brits can really excel at, but what? After all we are a nation of complete wankers. Then it hit me, like cum in the eye… competitive masturbation!
I decided then and there to write to the mayor of london with some of my ideas, something that could herald a new era of sporting greatness for this country of mine.
First up would be the sprinting events, better suited to the younger athlete, I envisage one of our wonderful spotty teenagers winning gold and setting a new world record in front of thousands of adoring fans by coming in under three seconds. I can see the queen hanging the medal on his twitching dong as he stands atop the podium, the national anthem playing proudly behind him.
Then there are the endurance events. Imagine the commentator, “… and its been 27 hours and 43 minutes and still this giant of a man has not come. Surely another gold for Great Britain!”
I had most fun though, dreaming up the team events, like the relay and synchronised wanking. Just imagine it, a ring of proud erect young men with their hands wrapped firmly around each other’s dicks, all coming together in perfectly timed unison. Listen to the crowd, on their feet, chanting “Cum on Britain!!!” over and over. What a delight that would be and another gold medal for us.
There has to be, of course, what I would call distance events, something like the javelin or the shot put, in fact, we could call it the ‘put shot’. My personal best is just over five feet but I am sure there are proud young men in this wonderful shithole we still dare to call great, that could perform far better than that. Get training boys. Accuracy events too, would have a place, rather like darts or archery but with a slightly stickier projectile. Winners again. GB cleaning up, topping that leader board.
And, there has to room for the more artistic, creative, events, of course. Picture something rather like the event where the girl prances around on the mat with a long ribbon. Go on, picture it.
“What about the women’s events?” I hear you ask. Isn’t that already covered though? Isn’t that what synchronised swimming is?
So come on you fine young youth of Britain, get training, go on, knock one out right now. Do it for queen and country, and if your mum walks in, just tell her you are being patriotic.
Cum on Britian. We can do it.