Posts tagged “satire

Lofty

so you really don’t read any other blogs?

sure i do!!
some
sometimes
yours, obviously
a few others

isn’t that kinda arrogant?

i guess
my friend sally calls me ‘lofty’

haha – why?

its a nickname

i get that you dumb cunt – why?

she says i’m aloof

you are

you are boring me now – bye


How to write clit lit

Erotic writing for women is all the rage these days, and having turned my hand to the odd dirty ditty or two in my time, I thought I’d share a few thoughts on the subject. Bearing in mind that you are writing to suit female fantasies rather than male fantasies, here are my top ten tips on how to get those pussies purring.

  1. NEVER USE EUPHEMISMS: Women hate anything subtle or clever, so never use phrases like ‘inner depths’ or ‘glowing wetness’. Call a cunt a cunt, and by the way, women love that word, so try to use the word ‘cunt’ as often as you can.
  2. NEVER INVOLVE ROMANCE: You are writing about sex not a bloody love story, so keep it that way. Women have no interest in feelings or emotions and romance turns them right off, so never have any hand holding or have your characters gaze into each other’s eyes. Never, ever have them be in love, the words ‘I love you’ will make her cunt as dry as the Australian outback.
  3. AVOID DIALOGUE: Women do not get off on words, so do not have your characters engage in conversation, unless its the occasional “Yeah, you like that bitch, don’t ya?” or a “Fucking take that, bitch!”
  4. USE PICTURES: As already mentioned, women are not aroused by words or ideas and are primarily visual, so add lots of pictures. Massive, cum drenched cocks and gigantic artificial boobs are guaranteed to get them hot, especially if the boobs are dripping with a ridiculous amount of thick white semen.
  5. AVOID POWERFUL WOMEN: Women do not like stories where the girl is in charge or has any power or deserves any respect. Wherever possible make sure your female characters are fucked by their bosses or some authoritative figure.
  6. TALK ABOUT COCK A LOT: Women have little interest in their own bodies or pleasure, so describe your male characters’ pricks in great detail and always make them infeasibly large and concentrate on his orgasm, not hers.
  7. AVOID CUNNILINGUS: No woman wants to read about how a man would go down on her, that stuff disgusts them.
  8. INCLUDE LOTS OF BLOW JOBS: Blow jobs are a guaranteed pantie wetter, so write about these in great detail. Most women would much rather choke on an unwashed cock than be fucked or eaten out.
  9. AVOID THREESOMES: Unless it is a FFM threesome avoid such scenarios. No woman has ever wanted more than one man at a time.
  10. INCLUDE LOTS OF GIRL ON GIRL ACTION: If you want to show your softer side, then you are probably gay, but if not, write about hot girl on girl action. Include as many women as you can, preferably covered in oil or mud and having them fight each other is another way to get your female readers wet. Note: cunnilingus is acceptable is such scenarios.

So there you have it. Ten certain ways to get the girls dribbling in their knickers. Have fun, and I look forward to reading the end results.