Posts tagged “the bible

Please Jesus will you just fuck off

Her: Hello Sir.
Me: Hello.
Her: Thank you for answering the door. We are here to tell you some fantastic news.
Me: Is this about religion?
Her: No Sir, this is about Jesus.
Me: That’s not religion then?
Her: No Sir, we have great news for you.
Me: Have I won the lottery?
Her: Better than that Sir.
Me: Have I won two lotteries?
Her: Have you read the bible?
Me: Yes.
Her: So you are a believer then?
Me: Of course not, I’ve read the bible.
Her: Jesus died for you sins Sir.
Me: Did he? I better commit a few more of them then, make it worth his while.
Her: This is not a joking matter Sir, He really did.
Me: I wasn’t joking. Now, if you don’t mind, I was  busy masturbating just then-
Her: Thank you for time Sir. Have a nice day.

A right filthy fucker, that God!

Okay, so I’m in this hotel last night and for some reason the cable’s not working. Now, I’ve got a boner that you could hammer nails with, and I need to find something to bust my load to. I rummage around a bit to see if someone’s left a magazine or photo of their wife behind or something, and all I can find is this book called ‘The Bible’. Now, I’ve heard of it before and was kind of thinking that it wouldn’t be much cop as jerk off material, but fuck, I was wrong.

This whole book is full of the raunchiest, most depraved shit I’ve ever read. There’s incest and virgin raping and all sorts. Really, they should put a warning on the cover, what if some kid were to get hold of a copy? Doesn’t bare thinking about.

This God fella, I tell you, he’s a right filthy fucker. Clearly gay, but I don’t mind a bit of that and any port in a storm, eh? He moons this guy Moses (Exodus 33:17-23) and fondles this other guy Jacob’s balls (Genesis 32:25). And the things some of his buddies get up to, its fucking debauched, I tell you. This one bloke, right, Lot, his name is, has drunken sex, in a cave, with two of his own daughters (Genesis 19:30-36) and this other geezer, Jacob, fucks his own sisters and his handmaid in this awesome MFFF foursome (Genesis 29: 21-28).

My favourite bit though was when this guy, Judah, fucks his own daughter-in-law thinking she is a whore (Genesis 38:15-16).

Its not all depravity mind, some of it is quite educational, and has some handy tips on masturbation (Judah 38:8-10).

I tell you, this book is fucking hot and I’m gonna take a copy with me whenever I’m away from home. My only criticism would be that this God bloke clearly doesn’t like women and I don’t like all that misogynistic stuff: no place for it these days, and I skipped all the virgin raping and the bit where he cuts off this chick’s hand for touching some guy’s cock.

All in all though, The Bible has gotta be some of the best porn who’s pages I have gotten all sticky. Seriously, get a copy. Just make sure your children don’t find it.