I wake up this morning to discover that I am single. She’s left me. In the middle of the night. For another guy.
Its a lovely little note, full of sweet comments about how much better he is in bed than I am and how fulfilled he makes her feel. I file it with all the others and then do what anyone else would do in such a situation, I change my Faecbook relationship status back to ‘single’. Next, I pop round to some friends and get myself lots of hugs, have a little rant, a little cry and a cup of tea. Then I have to get back to work.
I’m self employed, see, and my boss is a real wanker – although sometimes he’ll give me the afternoon off if I give him a hand job, (thankfully, he’s never asked me to suck his dick, I don’t think my back could take it). Once at my desk, I do what any self-respecting writer does, I go onto Farcebook, and its amazing, its like it can read my mind.
Within two hours of my declaration of singledom, Fartbook has filled my sidebar with adverts for women. The variety is astounding. I can find Christian girlfriends or date black women, I can even have a girlfriend in a uniform if I want. One says “Women over 40.” although there is no way the woman in the picture is even halfway to 40. I can date a ‘pretty Chinese girl’ or ‘1,000s of Japanese women’ and I wonder if that means you have to date them all at the same time. I’m even offered a choice of vegetarian women – why would I care what someone does or doesn’t eat?
I click on one and it takes me to a site called serioussingles.co.uk and I start to fill out my profile. There are some obvious questions, like gender and age and location. They want to know my ethnicity, which I guess is important for a lot of people, although it isn’t for me, and they want to know how much I earn, which is fair enough I guess, but I’m a writer and there isn’t a box marked ‘zero’. Next they ask me what religion I am. I scan the list for atheist or antitheist but they’re not there, and all I can click on is ‘none’, which is wrong because I believe in plenty of shit, just not any of the shit with the tick boxes on their page. Then, they start to piss me off.
The next page is about my interests, what kind of music I like, that kind of thing. I don’t get to type in genres or my favourite bands or anything, oh no. I have to pick from a list. Well, guess what? Rastabilly Skank and Bulgarian Hip-Hop weren’t even there. I get a list of bands I might like. Now sure, I like the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Primal scream, but where on that list are Bad Sin and The Tofu Love Frogs? Anyway, I click on ‘rock’ and ‘blues’ and ‘new wave’. New wave! Really? The next screen loses me completely.
The next page of my profile is all about what ‘hairstyle’ I have, and again, I don’t get to choose. I mean, why the fuck would anyone select a partner on the basis of hairstyle? I want a woman who is beautiful, its not about how “hot” she is. I don’t care if she’s bald as long as her heart shines. I look down the list and… surprise surprise, mohawk isn’t there. This is the point where I click ‘cancel’ and would have clicked ‘fuck you’ too if they had such a button.
Tonight my friends are gonna take me out and get me laid. Gonna cheer me up. I’ll go along with it, in the belief that it will work, I just hope the poor girl doesn’t mind me crying while I fuck her.
Good night, sweetheart
It’s time to go now
You’ve been so wonderful,
I don’t wish to go
Goodnight sweetheart – I will always love you x
I don’t do awards
I don’t do the blog award thing any more. I did some maths and it turns out, with over seventy-two-million WordPress blogs, that if one blogger nominates seven other bloggers, and so on, then within three months, we will have all been nominated 715 times. There is something of the chain letter about this that I don’t like.
Now don’t get me wrong, I feel so very flattered, when someone nominates me for a blogger award. I love to have my ego stroked, although, if I’m honest, I prefer to have my ego sucked, and then licked clean while I watch you stroke your ego.
Now, I swear I will never do this again, but the wonderful Bird, of some site somewhere, nominated me for the “Some bloody Award or Whatever” award, and just because she is so awesome, I will respond… Ok the rules are, I have to say seven things about me and then nominate some other bloggers or some such shit. Ok…
Shit about me:
- You already know all there is to know about me.
- I write books on how to write apps for smartphones, but can’t operate my own.
- I really do masturbate over your gravatar pics (some I laminate, so I can reuse them).
- I don’t understand why WordPress thinks that “blog” and “bloggers” are spelling mistakes but “bloogers” isn’t.
- I don’t really know how to write – I just blag it – I failed my English O Level, I was high on mushrooms.
- I am crap. at; punctuation.
- There are a lot of great authors that I’ve never read.
- I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 19.
- I’ve been making up for it ever since.
- I don’t care for the number seven.
- I wanna make you laugh
- and cry
- and sing and dance
- and come
- over and over again.
I’m not gonna nominate anyone. I would like to, but I never actually read the shit you folk write. Nevertheless, I want o give a shout out to two fantastic blogs:
She Shine On: fantastic, sexy and clever poetry.
Diirrty: naughty and witty and raw and, well, dirty.
Read them, follow them and love them, or I will have you killed.
Something sad happened tonight, I lost someone – a friend of mine’s dicksplash husband got them so in debt that she had her phone and internet cut off. I will miss her and I felt like not blogging at all… but life goes on, eh?
This post is for her x
the idea of community has completely changed in recent years. it has nothing to do with geography any more.
i have dear friends on other continents and we share friends on others still. some of us have never met and may never meet. some of us haven’t seen in each other in decades, but i am part of a community on fartbook and wordpress and it is real. i have made such wonderful friends online. we small talk and gossip about each other. we even fall out at times. the human spirit shines through social networks. we share movies and music and jokes, our happinesses and our sadnesses, our pains and pleasures, our losses and gains. we spend hours and hours together. i love farcebook. I love wordpress. i love skype, and i love you. all.
i met a friend from australia the other week, we had only known each other through facebook. we got on like old pals.
my mom doesn’t do the internet, she says that my online lover is probably an 87 year old, one legged, fat man from bolton, masquerading as a beautiful woman. i hope she’s right.
When we die
when we die
our web presence will remain
technology will allow us to animate our spirits
from beyond the grave,
they will continue to interact with the living
uploaded to the cloud,
we will be digital angels
when we die.
Every second 1.8 people die. There are around 500,000,000 Farcebook users. That means in the time it takes you to read this post eight of them will have died, four of them will have been logged in at the time. There are over 70,000,000 WordPress bloggers. One of them will have died while you were reading this. I bet you wish you hadn’t read it now, don’t you?
Seven more things
- i am a writer and a designer and a developer and a layabout
- i have been a cartoonist and a soldier and a web designer
- i have been a teacher, an addict and a street fundraiser
- i live in london but spend most of my time in facebook
- i like to do voluntary work and australian women
- i have had radio plays broadcast and a book on programming published
- i like to type in lower case because it is easier to masturbate when you don’t have to use the ‘shift’ key
Versatile Blogger Awards
It seems I missed the point of the versatile blogger award thingy… I need to write seven things about myself and nominate 15-20 other bloggers. This will be difficult as there are only six things I know about myself and every blog I follow is too good not to nominate.
Ok, seven things about me:
- I have a tiny penis.
- I have not had a drink in nearly five years.
- I do not support Arsenal.
- I have a thing for Australian women.
- They do not have a thing for me.
- I like sad stories
- I do not know seven things about myself
Here are my nominees for the versatile blogger award – in no particular order .
I am delighted to say that I have been given the enviable task of building a (WordPress) website for the fantastic progressive jazz band In Cahoots, lead by the inimitable guitarist and composer Phil Miller.
Its gonna take a week or two to put together as there is a plethora of fascinating material relating to the band who have their roots in the old Canterbury scene of the sixties and seventies and who’s line up has included some of the greatest jazz and progressive rock musicians going – including Lol Coxhill, Pip Pyle Fred Baker and Elton Dean.