Grand Theft Auto
OK. So I’ve been playing GTA all night* and I have decided that it is a particularly dangerous game and should, at the very least, have a warning label.
Let me explain. It was after about 12 hours of merry mayhem – I make up my own stories and am not too into the whole violence side of the game; I’ll kill people if they irritate me or look at me funny or if I’m a bit bored, but otherwise I prefer to put on weight, dress in a shell suit, spend my nights gambling in the many casinos of Las Venturas and my days stealing police motorbikes and base-jumping off of anything I can find – Anyway I digress:
After a night of driving on the right, and looking to my left when crossing the street; I looked the wrong way when crossing the high street on my way to breakfast and nearly stepped in front of a taxi!
This game should be banned!
*San Andreas remastered, if you’re interested
I’m Famous!
“There’s no way you’re going to get a quote from us to use on your blog.”
The Guardian
.
“You can say that we’ve never heard of you, if you like.”
The Times
.
“We don’t understand what it is you’re asking.”
The Telegraph
.
“Please stop calling us.”
BBC News
Why Learn Japanese
So, why am I learning Japanese? Well, primarily to piss off the girl I’m dating; she says it’s a garbage language, and she speaks about 18 of them, so she should know what she’s talking about. Nevertheless I thought it was a bit racist and told her so. She said that when I’ve had 600 of them take a shit in my car, I’ll be in a position to judge. Then she hung up on me. Then she blocked me. I’ve really got to find out the rest of that story.
As for learning Japanese; I’m using DuoLingo, which is just brilliant! I’ve been doing it for a month and have learned around 60 words. I can say things like “Is it a small umbrella?” ‘chee-sai kasa des-ka?’ and “No, it’s a black dog” ‘ee-eh karoii eenu des’. I haven’t got to “Fuck you! You racist, smart-arsed, tight-cunted b****!” yet, I think it’s in module 19.
Still better than porn
People tend not to believe me when I say that I’ve watched very little porn. But I don’t see the point: I have an imagination.
I’ve never thought that I had a very good imagination and my masturbatory fantasies are certainly no masterpieces. There’s very little in the way of back story and although I’m proud of my character development and story arc (particularly during the denouement), I tend to rely on tried and tested themes and avoid any plot twists.
As for the casting, It’s atrocious. All the female roles are unbelievably beautiful and clearly way out of my league. Nobody, in their right mind, would believe that women like that would want to sleep with me, let alone be eager to. And yet, for some unfathomable reason, I believe every scene without question.
My own role in this nonsense is perhaps the most ridiculous of all: I cast myself as an heroic super-lover, able to maintain an erection for days, satisfying any number of women. And as if things couldn’t get any more pathetic, this character even has a bigger cock than I do and is able to produce enough ejaculate to drown a small choir.
The irony that I am, in reality, a scrawny, worn-out fifty-something who can barely keep it up for the duration of a quick restroom wank seems to pass me by completely.
That is until I finish…
And it’s still better than porn.
Please Masturbate Responsibly
I love the way she dresses and I love that she seems to have as many pairs of glasses as she does outfits. Today they are super cool – I dunno know how best to describe them – like black and retro-sexy?
“Do they make me look a bit like a librarian?” she asks when I compliment them.
“Hmmm?” I pretend to muse. “Maybe like a librarian in a porn movie.” I immediately realise what I’ve said, and I can’t tell from her expression if I’ve amused or shocked her. “I wasn’t thinking of you in a porno.” I blurt out, making it worse. She just smiles. Shit! “Not in amongst the action.” I add. What’s wrong with me?
“Do they have librarians in pornos?” she asks innocently, probably trying to help.
“I don’t know.” I lie. “Maybe just to shush people, you know, if they’re climaxing too loudly.” I try to read her face, see if I’ve gone too far. Nothing.
“Shhhh!” she tells me.
No Longer
Was showing off my new phone to my mate Karl and saying how I loved it more than my own mum, and he says
“I no longer believe you when you say that.”
No longer?!
That’s Love
As a man, I admit that sometimes I have trouble recognising and identifying my own emotions. Honestly, if I’m not hungry or horny, I don’t have a clue what it is I’m feeling. So when she wants to know how I feel about her, I’m at a bit of a loss.
She definitely makes me feel horny, and she definitely makes me feel happy. Sometimes she makes me feel hungry, especially first thing in the morning but that might be breakfast and I’m confusing her with bacon. Ignoring the hunger then, that leaves happy and horny.
That’s love isn’t it?.
Try This
Next time you’re watching a show with a sign-language interpreter: turn the volume down and imagine that they are describing a series of sexual acts.
It’s hilarious and, at times, quite disgusting. Honestly, I was genuinely shocked at some of things the woman interpreting the lunchtime news was suggesting. some of which I’m sure is still illegal in some southern states.
Ignore the subtitles (but not the facial expressions) as you watch the clip here, and tell me she’s not talking dirty.
And she looks like such a nice girl!
Of course, no offense is intended to anyone who has a hearing impairment or who uses sign-language. In fact I’m actually very jealous of all the great sex you guys are having.
The Vagina Tax
MINISTER ONE: OK hear me out on this. [PAUSE] How about we put a tax on vaginas?
MINISTER TWO: You want to tax vaginas?
MINISTER ONE: Well, not the vaginas themselves, just anyone who has one.
MINISTER TWO: You mean women?
MINISTER ONE: Well that makes it sound like we’re discriminating. It’s just that these stats show that the owners of vaginas are far more productive and creative, both economically and socially than any other group. It makes perfect fiscal sense. Vaginas are a gold mine.
MINISTER TWO: It might seem a little fairer if we taxed penises as well?
MINISTER ONE: WHAT!? Tax people for having a penis!? That is literally the stupidest fucking idea I have ever heard in my life! The fuck is wrong with you!? Seriously!? Tax people for having a penis!? Have you got a brain tumour or something? Listen to yourself man! I mean, WHAT THE FUCK??!!
The Sun Has Got Its Huff On
I’ve decided to only fall in love once a day from now on.
Today it is the gorgeous Helen Arney talking out of her Uranus.
Since I Met Him…
I’ve smoked cannabis,
Cheated at poker,
Lied to my husband,
Danced naked under the stars.
I’ve slapped him,
Kissed him,
Told him a dirty secret,
Blamed a fart on him.
I’ve been ticked off by the police,
Seen a hole in the sky,
Convinced some people I was psychic,
Lost £10,000.
I’ve stood up to a bully,
Been a bully.
Been kicked out of a library.
Broken into a cemetery.
Since I met him I’ve
Lost my religion,
Found my faith,
Fallen in love.
It’s been quite an afternoon.
A.
Rotten
I Watched Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride last night. It was delightful and very sweet. I fell in love with Emily here: the titular corpse.
The maggot in the eyeball made for a challenging wank at first, but I leaned into it, and I have to say, I fancy her something rotten.
Old Gay John
I bumped into an old mate today, someone I haven’t seen in years. He told me that Old Gay John had died. Old Gay John was one of the guys that used to hang around on the corner, way back when I first moved here. He wasn’t gay, we just called him that because he hated it so much. He wasn’t old either or called John.
You give my soul a hard-on
you give my soul a hard-on,
you make my heart erect,
my being throb and pulsate,
my very core erupt.
you make my psyche tingle,
you make my mind inflate,
my life force squirt and dribble,
my spirit ejaculate.
All Sticky
when i taste your flesh,
i want it all sticky.
when i kiss your breasts,
i want them all sweaty.
when you fuck my face,
i want you to stink.
when i lick your arse,
i want you to reek.
when i kiss your tits,
i want to taste your cunt,
and when i lick your lips,
i want to taste my cum.
Just while i finish…
i had to go to the doctor’s today – i hate it, the depression of the waiting room, the risk of catching a cold, all the posters reminding me of all the horrible diseases and afflictions, i could, and probably will end up getting. most of all, i hate the wait. i know they’re busy and the service is stretched, but to be surrounded by miserable looking fuckers, coughing and sneezing over me is just a shitty way to spend the best part of a morning – thank fuck i’ve got minecraft on my phone, at least.
eventually, i get to see my doctor. she is a hot young asian woman, and, thanks to the recent mild weather, is displaying a cleavage that i could happily spend six months in. this makes discussing personal matters rather awkward, and after several minutes watching her staring, uncomfortably, at her computer display, she turns to me and breaks the news. “i’m very sorry mr mew, but you are going to have to stop masturbating.” i’m flabbergasted.
“what?” i exclaim, “why?” my world collapsing around me, “forever?”
“no, not forever, mr mew,” she sighs, almost scowling, “just while i finish examining you.”
The party
so, the party is in full swing. everyone is having a good time. the music is rocking, the booze flowing and the smoke billowing. i’m playing a game of acid chess with a hot italian chic. it involves no pieces and no board and i think i’m winning. everyone is having a great time, that is until he shows up.
“oh fuck!” i hear someone mutter and i look up and there he is, surveying the revelry. you can feel the atmosphere drain from the room. most of us try to pretend we haven’t seen him, but it does no good.
“quiet everyone!” he shouts, “there’s something i need to say.” as the sound dies down, a few eyes roll as we reluctantly look his way. “i just want you all to know that i love you. all of you.” there is a general murmur and a few ‘thanks mate’ and ‘that’s nice’. hoping that’s it, everyone tries to get back to the fun, but i’ve been here before and i know there’s no chance of that, not now. “excuse me!” he barks, drawing all our attentions back to him,” but didn’t i just say something?” you can almost taste the collective sigh.
“we love to too man.” someone says and the rest of us nod and utter in agreement.
“well then,” he demands, “don’t you think it would be a nice idea if you all starting singing some songs about me, about how cool it is that i love you all so much?” everyone realises that this cunt is way too boorish to be ignored and somebody starts humming.
the italian chic and i sneak out the back, unseen, with a couple of others, and as we’re waiting for a bus she asks me “who was that asshole?”
“oh him,” i say, “that’s god.”
What a cunt!
“cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt. cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt? cunt! cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt… cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt! cunt?”
“and that’s supposed to be what?”
“modern art, apparently”
“seriously?”
“seems so.”
“what a cunt!”
For the rest of the day
You won’t believe what happened to me on the way to work
Go on?
I bent down to tie my laces, and a crazy woman attacks me!
No shit!
Yeah! She starts slapping my ass, and when i turn to confront her, she pushes me onto my knees and shoves my face between her legs! Then, when I turn to pick up my case, she tries to bum me!
Oh my god! What did you do?
I had a hard-on for the rest of the day.
Nothing sexier
there is nothing
sexier for me,
than a woman
writing dirty poetry.
Wondering
i’ve got this pedometer app on my phone. its really cool and tells me how far i’ve walked. i guess it works by measuring the up/down motion of each step, i’ve never really given it much thought. until today.
as i was about to go out for a jog, i checked that the app was on. it drains the battery, so i often switch it off if i know i’m settled for the evening. it was on, and in fact it said that i’d walked 3,247 paces already today. now, this was impossible. i’d only been out of bed for 20 minutes and had walked no further than the loo and the kitchen. 3,247 paces is almost two miles.
i checked the times of this supposed jaunt, only to discover that it had happened before i’d even got out of bed. then, it hit me. when i’d woken up, after listening to the news, i’d checked my phone and read my mail. a sweet and sexy friend of mine had sent me some pictures of herself, and i had spent some considerable time ‘enjoying’ them. it would seem that my trusted app is not so accurate when it comes to measuring up/down motions as i thought it was.
now i’m left wondering how many 20 minute wanks have been logged as two-mile jogs. maybe that explains why i’m putting on weight.
Asshole!
you ride me. rising and falling with growing passion and vigour, feeling me drive deeper and harder into you, feeling your lust growing with every thrust
Stop it Kyle! I’ve got ppl here!
your pussy glows with a wet, hungry heat
I fucking mean it. Stop! I can’t touch myself right now!!!
but you will … your thighs tremble and your whole body tingles with delight as you reach down and tighten my collar by a single notch
Asshole!
you see the fear in my eyes and drink it in like strong liquor – your power magnifying your pleasure a hundred-fold – you stare deep into my soul and lap up the helplessness you find there, and you tighten the collar by another notch
I kinda hate you right now!
as my panic rises, you ram yourself harder and and faster onto me, my cock bulging like my eyes, your pussy so wet and hot, it burns. you know you shouldn’t, but you tighten my collar further still. your control over me, so thrilling that you cannot help but scream with such primitive and animal delight that it sets off several car alarms
I told you! I CAN’T touch myself right now!!!
but i know you are
the terror in my eyes is so intoxicating, it sends your mind to a whole new place. and as your orgasm crashes into you like a 100 mile an hour juggernaut into a brick wall, you know you will not let go until you are spent, no matter what.
I fucking hate you! Asshole!!!
did you come?
You know i fucking did!
so who really has the power?
Asshole!
I love you.
Everyfuckingwhere
i wanna lick you
everyfuckingwhere.
lick your shoulders
and your neck,
lick your feet,
and lick your hair.
lick your belly
and your toes,
lick your asshole,
lick your nose.
lick your chin
and lick your back,
lick your nostrils,
lick your crack.
lick your ears
and your eyes,
lick your pussy,
lick your thighs.
lick your knees
and your armpits,
lick your elbows,
lick your tits.
kyle mew 